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Parent Emeritus
Decisions, decisions... Now what??
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<blockquote data-quote="LMack" data-source="post: 679247" data-attributes="member: 20043"><p>Thanks for all the support folks! It is helpful to know you are not alone. We have lived in a very conservative area where everything you did, wore, drove, ate, your entire life was somehow open for judgement and discussion by anyone who knew you. Not showing up at church on sunday was cause for phone calls and speculation. It is a fiercely competitive place that takes "keeping up with the Joneses" to a new level. The kids felt all this pressure as well as the pressure of school and peers. Basic America, I think, but so unhealthy. Now that we are away from it we can see the damage that type of pressure can cause. We felt that we did our best to not participate in all that and just "do our own thing" but... I am wondering if that upbringing is contributing to his actions. His older sister handled it better and is thriving in her university life. It is so hard to not compare them, and yes, I know the damage comparison can cause. </p><p></p><p>We are definitely trying to stay calm and take things one at a time, s l o w l y. We found out about all this over the christmas break while he was home with us. I can say that it has been difficult to react calmly to it- I am known to be something of a drama queen (in a good way I hope) - and I think he was a little surprised that we didn't blow up over it. After sitting on this for a month and talking it over constantly, my husband and I are close to a game plan. I am an optimistic person with a twisted sense of humor so I know we will come through this. I am just praying that this is a freshman year thing and we come through it with our son intact and still liking us. I will deal with whatever comes, but I will do my best to keep myself and my husband with our heads above water and still thinking life is funny. Because it is!</p><p></p><p>So I went for a long run this morning. That is my best time for thinking and clearing my head (and my sinuses, but that's gross. sorry). I am mostly calm, but I still get that tiny adrenaline tingle when I think about him. Just a little spike of fear. That's the hard part of being the adult - you can see all the potential outcomes and know that most of them are seriously unfortunate. Just breathe, right? That's why running is so good. All you do is breathe!</p><p></p><p>Here's the game plan as it sits right now: </p><p>He does not want to talk to us so we will respect that (for now) and I am composing a letter. In this letter we will state clearly up front that his welfare is our first priority and that we love him to the moon and back. However, we will not tolerate certain behaviors (which happen to be illegal anyway) and in order for our financial support to continue in the form of tuition and living expenses he will need to meet certain criteria. We will list our expectations clearly. Then we will detail the consequences of failure to meet these expectations. The choice will be his. </p><p></p><p>I am terrified he will not choose wisely but will hope, pray, and plan to expect that he will. As many of you mentioned in your responses, tuition is paid for the current semester so we have a natural deadline already set for us. Many of you also mentioned that I should post on other people's threads. I now understand the value of support and understanding, but I do not feel that I am even remotely qualified to comment on the situations of others. I am so new to all this. But if I can spread some sunshine, I will. Thanks everyone!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LMack, post: 679247, member: 20043"] Thanks for all the support folks! It is helpful to know you are not alone. We have lived in a very conservative area where everything you did, wore, drove, ate, your entire life was somehow open for judgement and discussion by anyone who knew you. Not showing up at church on sunday was cause for phone calls and speculation. It is a fiercely competitive place that takes "keeping up with the Joneses" to a new level. The kids felt all this pressure as well as the pressure of school and peers. Basic America, I think, but so unhealthy. Now that we are away from it we can see the damage that type of pressure can cause. We felt that we did our best to not participate in all that and just "do our own thing" but... I am wondering if that upbringing is contributing to his actions. His older sister handled it better and is thriving in her university life. It is so hard to not compare them, and yes, I know the damage comparison can cause. We are definitely trying to stay calm and take things one at a time, s l o w l y. We found out about all this over the christmas break while he was home with us. I can say that it has been difficult to react calmly to it- I am known to be something of a drama queen (in a good way I hope) - and I think he was a little surprised that we didn't blow up over it. After sitting on this for a month and talking it over constantly, my husband and I are close to a game plan. I am an optimistic person with a twisted sense of humor so I know we will come through this. I am just praying that this is a freshman year thing and we come through it with our son intact and still liking us. I will deal with whatever comes, but I will do my best to keep myself and my husband with our heads above water and still thinking life is funny. Because it is! So I went for a long run this morning. That is my best time for thinking and clearing my head (and my sinuses, but that's gross. sorry). I am mostly calm, but I still get that tiny adrenaline tingle when I think about him. Just a little spike of fear. That's the hard part of being the adult - you can see all the potential outcomes and know that most of them are seriously unfortunate. Just breathe, right? That's why running is so good. All you do is breathe! Here's the game plan as it sits right now: He does not want to talk to us so we will respect that (for now) and I am composing a letter. In this letter we will state clearly up front that his welfare is our first priority and that we love him to the moon and back. However, we will not tolerate certain behaviors (which happen to be illegal anyway) and in order for our financial support to continue in the form of tuition and living expenses he will need to meet certain criteria. We will list our expectations clearly. Then we will detail the consequences of failure to meet these expectations. The choice will be his. I am terrified he will not choose wisely but will hope, pray, and plan to expect that he will. As many of you mentioned in your responses, tuition is paid for the current semester so we have a natural deadline already set for us. Many of you also mentioned that I should post on other people's threads. I now understand the value of support and understanding, but I do not feel that I am even remotely qualified to comment on the situations of others. I am so new to all this. But if I can spread some sunshine, I will. Thanks everyone! [/QUOTE]
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