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Deep Breaths...trying to stay at least semi-detached
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704135" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So ready to live. What a brilliant and insightful post. You touched so many of my hurt places by your own sharing of your pain, I do not feel so bad, knowing that somewhere on Earth there is somebody (you) who feels like I do. That we share this. That by both of us feeling this together we help each other carry the pain, and negotiate a way to live outside of it.</p><p></p><p>Oh how heavy and hopeless this feels. How old and tired I feel. In 10 years I have aged 20.OMG. You know my son is adopted, too? And near 100 percent of his travails are related to his birth circumstances and parents. I thought my love would cure all, but it does not cure life, that I have learned the hard way.</p><p></p><p>Oh, so ready to live, he knows with every fiber of his being that you love him. His doubt, their doubts, are about their own unlovability in relation to their experience of rejection and abandonment. <em>Why did they not want to take care of me? Why did they do this to me?</em> (My son was born drug exposed and we later found out acquired at birth the Hepatitis from his mother.) In my son's case there is a sense he does not deserve my love and support, and works to undermine it. Nor does he feel he deserves the sweetness of life itself. It breaks my heart. I struggled my whole life with the sense that I was undeserving: <em>What is wrong with me, that I do not deserve (this or that); </em>things that felt beyond my reach.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I fear that I transmitted my own limitations to him. That I trained him to have this orientation towards life. But then I remind myself that every single thing that I felt I deserved but was beyond my reach, I fought and fought for. In this way I changed. While I may not have gotten what I wanted, the process of fighting changed me.</p><p></p><p>Except now I am being called upon to lay down my arms. <em>Fighting for this or that has no positive effect with him, for him.</em></p><p></p><p>I have no control. None. I keep on and on, with the same result. Who's the fool here?</p><p>I think you might have a point here. On another thread a dad reminds me to keep it simple. He is right. There is really no room or use here for all of the convolutions we bring to the table. There is room for food and to eat. That is it.</p><p>OMG. Reading this I see myself. Except in my case it goes deeper still. I had a father who went off the deep end in amorality, alcoholism, drugs and a deep cynicism, except worse than that. He went to the bottom. </p><p></p><p>I had idolized him as a child. Handsome and charming and fun. His demons destroyed him or his choices destroyed him. And I believe I have a hard time quelling my dread of what did happen, to what could happen.</p><p></p><p>When I should feel hope and strength, I feel dread and brokenness, a horrible dearth of control to stop what I cannot stop. This downward trajectory of my father has defined my life. I post a lot about my mother. I almost never, try not to ever think about my father--this black hole. </p><p></p><p>And I think this very black hole, is where I fall into with my son. That most everything I do is a frantic effort to not fall back in myself.</p><p>Well. My anger lasted about 18 hours. and it is very cold here and I am so sad, too.</p><p>Two nights now I cannot sleep.</p><p>Lil. How many times have I posted this very thing? I think so ready to live and I were separated at birth.</p><p>No. We are ruining our years. But the upside of this, is we can learn to reverse it, and put into place practices and a way to be, that fuels rather than defeats us.</p><p>I appreciate the viewpoint, but I do not think this is so for me.</p><p>Now, here you nail it. This is it. This is where I want to go.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, so ready to live.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704135, member: 18958"] So ready to live. What a brilliant and insightful post. You touched so many of my hurt places by your own sharing of your pain, I do not feel so bad, knowing that somewhere on Earth there is somebody (you) who feels like I do. That we share this. That by both of us feeling this together we help each other carry the pain, and negotiate a way to live outside of it. Oh how heavy and hopeless this feels. How old and tired I feel. In 10 years I have aged 20.OMG. You know my son is adopted, too? And near 100 percent of his travails are related to his birth circumstances and parents. I thought my love would cure all, but it does not cure life, that I have learned the hard way. Oh, so ready to live, he knows with every fiber of his being that you love him. His doubt, their doubts, are about their own unlovability in relation to their experience of rejection and abandonment. [I]Why did they not want to take care of me? Why did they do this to me?[/I] (My son was born drug exposed and we later found out acquired at birth the Hepatitis from his mother.) In my son's case there is a sense he does not deserve my love and support, and works to undermine it. Nor does he feel he deserves the sweetness of life itself. It breaks my heart. I struggled my whole life with the sense that I was undeserving: [I]What is wrong with me, that I do not deserve (this or that); [/I]things that felt beyond my reach. Sometimes I fear that I transmitted my own limitations to him. That I trained him to have this orientation towards life. But then I remind myself that every single thing that I felt I deserved but was beyond my reach, I fought and fought for. In this way I changed. While I may not have gotten what I wanted, the process of fighting changed me. Except now I am being called upon to lay down my arms. [I]Fighting for this or that has no positive effect with him, for him.[/I] I have no control. None. I keep on and on, with the same result. Who's the fool here? I think you might have a point here. On another thread a dad reminds me to keep it simple. He is right. There is really no room or use here for all of the convolutions we bring to the table. There is room for food and to eat. That is it. OMG. Reading this I see myself. Except in my case it goes deeper still. I had a father who went off the deep end in amorality, alcoholism, drugs and a deep cynicism, except worse than that. He went to the bottom. I had idolized him as a child. Handsome and charming and fun. His demons destroyed him or his choices destroyed him. And I believe I have a hard time quelling my dread of what did happen, to what could happen. When I should feel hope and strength, I feel dread and brokenness, a horrible dearth of control to stop what I cannot stop. This downward trajectory of my father has defined my life. I post a lot about my mother. I almost never, try not to ever think about my father--this black hole. And I think this very black hole, is where I fall into with my son. That most everything I do is a frantic effort to not fall back in myself. Well. My anger lasted about 18 hours. and it is very cold here and I am so sad, too. Two nights now I cannot sleep. Lil. How many times have I posted this very thing? I think so ready to live and I were separated at birth. No. We are ruining our years. But the upside of this, is we can learn to reverse it, and put into place practices and a way to be, that fuels rather than defeats us. I appreciate the viewpoint, but I do not think this is so for me. Now, here you nail it. This is it. This is where I want to go. Thank you, so ready to live. [/QUOTE]
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