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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 557939" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>TL welcome to PE, perhaps not a place you actually want to be though. This detaching thing is a real drag isn't it, it has layer after layer of stuff we parents have to keep on learning about and then mastering in order to stay sane. When I read your post I thought, he could be here in No. Ca. I could walk right by him. It made me think about a young, good looking boy, perhaps around your sons age, who was pan handling at a shopping center I often go to. He was holding up a sign, he was pretty well dressed and had a dog with him. I drove out and as I was driving home I thought, gee, <em>he is someones son, that could be my kid someday..</em>...........so I drove back and went back into the shopping center and drove past him, rolled down the window and gave him $20. I haven't seen that many of those kids here, but when I do, I give them money, always thinking about their moms. </p><p></p><p>You and I may not have any experience being 'out there' without a job or a place to live, but many kids do it. Janet pointed that out in another thread. I grew up in the 60's where our entire generation was '<em>finding ourselves.....</em> many of us were pan handling,..... living in 'communes' .....living alternative lifestyles our parents not only didn't understand, but were appalled by. I recall leaving Grand Central Station in NYC when I was about 19, and walking right into a girl with a cup asking for money. Yikes, I went to HS with her! We grew up in an affluent Long Island community, this was unheard of! Now I see her on Facebook, she's a Mom and grandma and lives in Florida. Somehow she survived somehow as most of the kids who were "out there" finding themselves did. </p><p></p><p>I remember listening to Joseph Campbell on TV talking about the 'Heroes journey' and the reason Star Wars was so popular was because it was the path young people had to take to grow into adulthood. He said Luke Skywalker left home to find himself and had to battle the forces within himself, good and evil in order to find his true self. An interesting note was that Campbell spoke about his own youth and that his parents flipped when he dropped out of college at about your sons age and stayed in his room reading book after book on myths and other cultures, what he was fascinated with. And of course, that lead him to become the world renowned expert he ultimately became. He had his own Heroes journey.</p><p></p><p>We don't know our kids destinies, with their mental 'issues' and perhaps even their substance abuse, they are trying to find themselves and find a path that makes sense to them, one in which they can comfortably live and survive. We're not a part of that journey, and I think many really need to separate from us <em>completel</em>y in order to even have it, so they can do it all on their own, without our interference. I look back on those young people I went to school with who took a path like your son has, and 'out there' they found themselves, their frontal cortex finished forming, and they transitioned into adulthood. As a young man, your son may have a very strong need to find his independence his own way, especially having been adopted. A few of my friends who were adopted had much more of a need to <em>find out who they were</em> and make an exhaustive search for the SELF, in most cases, putting their parents through a lot of turmoil. Some kids, of any generation, have to really put a distance between themselves and their parents in order to understand themselves and come out the other side as whole and distinct authentic adults. </p><p></p><p>I may be just rambling aimlessly here, just some thoughts I had while reading your post. Whenever I read your posts I have a sense of a young man who is really trying to find himself and CA. is often the place young people go to do that. I wanted to be in CA. from the time I was 15 on. And, when I read that his friend abandoned him, although that's a horror to a Mom, it may offer him a big dose of resourcefulness he didn't know he had. TL, I have had life throw me a bunch of curve balls which forced me to grow up and quickly figure out the landscape to survive .....and as a very young person, I knew I could be dropped from a plane in Ethiopia with nothing, and survive <em>and thrive.</em> Life can either knock us down or offer us remarkable skills to be able to not only function and survive, but to thrive and succeed. Every choice your son makes, under whatever circumstances he is presently facing, offers him more courage and strength, self understanding, perseverance and knowledge he'll never forget and be able to use for the rest of his life. I just think your son is on an important and meaningful path right now and your ability to be non judgmental and loving to him as he walks this path is commendable and in my opinion, necessary. I always think you do a wonderful job in riding that invisible very thin line between loving your son and keeping all the boundaries intact, which is certainly a ride on the razors edge and you do it beautifully.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 557939, member: 13542"] TL welcome to PE, perhaps not a place you actually want to be though. This detaching thing is a real drag isn't it, it has layer after layer of stuff we parents have to keep on learning about and then mastering in order to stay sane. When I read your post I thought, he could be here in No. Ca. I could walk right by him. It made me think about a young, good looking boy, perhaps around your sons age, who was pan handling at a shopping center I often go to. He was holding up a sign, he was pretty well dressed and had a dog with him. I drove out and as I was driving home I thought, gee, [I]he is someones son, that could be my kid someday..[/I]...........so I drove back and went back into the shopping center and drove past him, rolled down the window and gave him $20. I haven't seen that many of those kids here, but when I do, I give them money, always thinking about their moms. You and I may not have any experience being 'out there' without a job or a place to live, but many kids do it. Janet pointed that out in another thread. I grew up in the 60's where our entire generation was '[I]finding ourselves.....[/I] many of us were pan handling,..... living in 'communes' .....living alternative lifestyles our parents not only didn't understand, but were appalled by. I recall leaving Grand Central Station in NYC when I was about 19, and walking right into a girl with a cup asking for money. Yikes, I went to HS with her! We grew up in an affluent Long Island community, this was unheard of! Now I see her on Facebook, she's a Mom and grandma and lives in Florida. Somehow she survived somehow as most of the kids who were "out there" finding themselves did. I remember listening to Joseph Campbell on TV talking about the 'Heroes journey' and the reason Star Wars was so popular was because it was the path young people had to take to grow into adulthood. He said Luke Skywalker left home to find himself and had to battle the forces within himself, good and evil in order to find his true self. An interesting note was that Campbell spoke about his own youth and that his parents flipped when he dropped out of college at about your sons age and stayed in his room reading book after book on myths and other cultures, what he was fascinated with. And of course, that lead him to become the world renowned expert he ultimately became. He had his own Heroes journey. We don't know our kids destinies, with their mental 'issues' and perhaps even their substance abuse, they are trying to find themselves and find a path that makes sense to them, one in which they can comfortably live and survive. We're not a part of that journey, and I think many really need to separate from us [I]completel[/I]y in order to even have it, so they can do it all on their own, without our interference. I look back on those young people I went to school with who took a path like your son has, and 'out there' they found themselves, their frontal cortex finished forming, and they transitioned into adulthood. As a young man, your son may have a very strong need to find his independence his own way, especially having been adopted. A few of my friends who were adopted had much more of a need to [I]find out who they were[/I] and make an exhaustive search for the SELF, in most cases, putting their parents through a lot of turmoil. Some kids, of any generation, have to really put a distance between themselves and their parents in order to understand themselves and come out the other side as whole and distinct authentic adults. I may be just rambling aimlessly here, just some thoughts I had while reading your post. Whenever I read your posts I have a sense of a young man who is really trying to find himself and CA. is often the place young people go to do that. I wanted to be in CA. from the time I was 15 on. And, when I read that his friend abandoned him, although that's a horror to a Mom, it may offer him a big dose of resourcefulness he didn't know he had. TL, I have had life throw me a bunch of curve balls which forced me to grow up and quickly figure out the landscape to survive .....and as a very young person, I knew I could be dropped from a plane in Ethiopia with nothing, and survive [I]and thrive.[/I] Life can either knock us down or offer us remarkable skills to be able to not only function and survive, but to thrive and succeed. Every choice your son makes, under whatever circumstances he is presently facing, offers him more courage and strength, self understanding, perseverance and knowledge he'll never forget and be able to use for the rest of his life. I just think your son is on an important and meaningful path right now and your ability to be non judgmental and loving to him as he walks this path is commendable and in my opinion, necessary. I always think you do a wonderful job in riding that invisible very thin line between loving your son and keeping all the boundaries intact, which is certainly a ride on the razors edge and you do it beautifully. [/QUOTE]
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