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Detaching with grandkids?
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<blockquote data-quote="DDD" data-source="post: 452402" data-attributes="member: 35"><p>I, too, completely understand. "Detaching" has not been my strong point with GFGmom's first baby. He's 24 and still lives with us. Yes there are special circumstances but...truthfully I never expected that his Mom would never get her act together. I did better with her second son (he lived with us seven years) and have stayed detached from her daughter who has never even spent the night at our house. As I said I truly understand.</p><p></p><p>I was able to get easy child/difficult child living with us with-o going for custody. I did suggest it but there was no way she would give up "her baby". Truthfully I did believe she would mature eventually (not much has taken place) so I proposed that he stay with us so she wouldn't have to (l) find babysitters (2) pay for daycare (3) worry about getting him to his MD appointments (4) be able to work and play at her convenience knowing he was safe (5) agreeing we would coparent so he would have a stable environment......and the big one (6) she could keep her food stamps and child support to adequately support herself. Then, I had her sign a Durable Power of ATtorney giving me the right to get his medical care and later take care of school paperwork etc. That was priceless over the years (and yes I did pay her for her time and gas to go sign the paperwork at the attorneys office). She also was assured that she could visit whenever she wanted and she could take him with her whenever she wanted to.</p><p></p><p>Sound bizarre?? Yep! But in our case it worked. He has had a stable home since he was born. Due to his Mom and his own teen choices he is not living the life we hoped. on the other hand he has never had a day with-o love, structured parenting, and a set of values demonstrated on a daily basis. She, on the other hand, has gotten to "play Mom" by taking him off to visit friends etc. when he was all clean and appropriately dressed and well behaved. She loved being praised for her great son. Plus she has had money to do her thing which is very important to her. One year in elementary school she decided he should live with her and his little brother. In his memory it was a year or so. In fact he lasted about six months and, lol, he called us at least three or four times a week to pick him up and bring him home.</p><p></p><p>Am I suggesting you follow our course? No. It has been a long hard road and financially devestating. Would we go back and change our choices? No. Based on how she parented his brother we know he would never have felt safe and secure. Our retirement money went to rehab programs and brain surgery and post care. So in our 70's we are living a life on the financial edge and still work daily. It's a big decision. I wish you well in find the right path for you and your family. Sending caring supportive hugs your way. DDD</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DDD, post: 452402, member: 35"] I, too, completely understand. "Detaching" has not been my strong point with GFGmom's first baby. He's 24 and still lives with us. Yes there are special circumstances but...truthfully I never expected that his Mom would never get her act together. I did better with her second son (he lived with us seven years) and have stayed detached from her daughter who has never even spent the night at our house. As I said I truly understand. I was able to get easy child/difficult child living with us with-o going for custody. I did suggest it but there was no way she would give up "her baby". Truthfully I did believe she would mature eventually (not much has taken place) so I proposed that he stay with us so she wouldn't have to (l) find babysitters (2) pay for daycare (3) worry about getting him to his MD appointments (4) be able to work and play at her convenience knowing he was safe (5) agreeing we would coparent so he would have a stable environment......and the big one (6) she could keep her food stamps and child support to adequately support herself. Then, I had her sign a Durable Power of ATtorney giving me the right to get his medical care and later take care of school paperwork etc. That was priceless over the years (and yes I did pay her for her time and gas to go sign the paperwork at the attorneys office). She also was assured that she could visit whenever she wanted and she could take him with her whenever she wanted to. Sound bizarre?? Yep! But in our case it worked. He has had a stable home since he was born. Due to his Mom and his own teen choices he is not living the life we hoped. on the other hand he has never had a day with-o love, structured parenting, and a set of values demonstrated on a daily basis. She, on the other hand, has gotten to "play Mom" by taking him off to visit friends etc. when he was all clean and appropriately dressed and well behaved. She loved being praised for her great son. Plus she has had money to do her thing which is very important to her. One year in elementary school she decided he should live with her and his little brother. In his memory it was a year or so. In fact he lasted about six months and, lol, he called us at least three or four times a week to pick him up and bring him home. Am I suggesting you follow our course? No. It has been a long hard road and financially devestating. Would we go back and change our choices? No. Based on how she parented his brother we know he would never have felt safe and secure. Our retirement money went to rehab programs and brain surgery and post care. So in our 70's we are living a life on the financial edge and still work daily. It's a big decision. I wish you well in find the right path for you and your family. Sending caring supportive hugs your way. DDD [/QUOTE]
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