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General Parenting
"Detaching" without being "Detached" is tough!
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 384169" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Daisy, I know how hard and how frustrating this can be. I think you're definitely on the right path with detaching, but you need to take it a few steps further. Beyond just not doing any favours for her, I think you need to put her squarely in the Do-to-Get category. You are required to provide her with food, shelter, clothing, and the other basic necessities of life. You are NOT required to provide her with her favourite food, or nice clothes, or any creature comforts. At all. If difficult child is unwilling to show you even the most basic civility, then you need to return the favour.</p><p></p><p>Here's what I recommend:</p><p></p><p>1) Strip her room. Mattress on the floor. A laundry basket in which to keep her clothes. No door, but perhaps a curtain for privacy. No toys, games, electronics or computers, no fun stuff at all.</p><p>2) Provide her with the minimum number of outfits she needs to keep her body decently covered. They don't have to be nice. Or fashionable. Goodwill or consignment clothes are certainly good enough, especially if she's going to cut them up. If she does cut them up, do not replace the items. Let her live with the consequences.</p><p>3) Do not let her have food in her room. If she's going to treat your home like a boarding house, then she can live with boarding house rules. Meals are served at a certain time of your choosing. She must eat in the kitchen or dining room, or wherever you deem appropriate. If she's not hungry at meal time, she can wait for the next one. No snacking or grazing. If necessary, padlock the cupboards so that she can't raid the pantry and take food to her room.</p><p>4) Determine whether there are any areas of the house that you don't want difficult child to trash (office, front room, den...whatever) and then don't let her have access to those spaces. </p><p>5) If difficult child leaves her stuff lying around, take it away. Donate it, throw it out, sell it, or just take it and lock it up. If she's not willing to take care of her stuff then she clearly doesn't need it.</p><p></p><p>I know it sounds extreme, and it can be hard to implement, but I think it might reduce your stress levels even further.</p><p></p><p>We put difficult child on this level of lockdown right before he got his permanent Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement. He had a terrible problem with stealing and destroying other people's things, was on house arrest at the time, and was unbearable to be around. We lived like that for nearly a year. difficult child's room was stripped: bed, night table, no stuff other than bedding, 7 outfits (one per day), and a book or newspaper. He was allowed to eat only at designated meal or snack times, he was only allowed in certain rooms of the house and then only under supervision. No electronics except for a clock radio, no television or computer access. Phone calls only with permission and all monitored.</p><p></p><p>It was brutal to set up, and husband and I had to be very strict with ourselves in order to maintain it, but difficult child thrived in the structure. It took away much of the chaos that he thrives on, and allowed the rest of us to calm down and have some peace.</p><p></p><p>Sending hugs.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 384169, member: 3907"] Daisy, I know how hard and how frustrating this can be. I think you're definitely on the right path with detaching, but you need to take it a few steps further. Beyond just not doing any favours for her, I think you need to put her squarely in the Do-to-Get category. You are required to provide her with food, shelter, clothing, and the other basic necessities of life. You are NOT required to provide her with her favourite food, or nice clothes, or any creature comforts. At all. If difficult child is unwilling to show you even the most basic civility, then you need to return the favour. Here's what I recommend: 1) Strip her room. Mattress on the floor. A laundry basket in which to keep her clothes. No door, but perhaps a curtain for privacy. No toys, games, electronics or computers, no fun stuff at all. 2) Provide her with the minimum number of outfits she needs to keep her body decently covered. They don't have to be nice. Or fashionable. Goodwill or consignment clothes are certainly good enough, especially if she's going to cut them up. If she does cut them up, do not replace the items. Let her live with the consequences. 3) Do not let her have food in her room. If she's going to treat your home like a boarding house, then she can live with boarding house rules. Meals are served at a certain time of your choosing. She must eat in the kitchen or dining room, or wherever you deem appropriate. If she's not hungry at meal time, she can wait for the next one. No snacking or grazing. If necessary, padlock the cupboards so that she can't raid the pantry and take food to her room. 4) Determine whether there are any areas of the house that you don't want difficult child to trash (office, front room, den...whatever) and then don't let her have access to those spaces. 5) If difficult child leaves her stuff lying around, take it away. Donate it, throw it out, sell it, or just take it and lock it up. If she's not willing to take care of her stuff then she clearly doesn't need it. I know it sounds extreme, and it can be hard to implement, but I think it might reduce your stress levels even further. We put difficult child on this level of lockdown right before he got his permanent Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement. He had a terrible problem with stealing and destroying other people's things, was on house arrest at the time, and was unbearable to be around. We lived like that for nearly a year. difficult child's room was stripped: bed, night table, no stuff other than bedding, 7 outfits (one per day), and a book or newspaper. He was allowed to eat only at designated meal or snack times, he was only allowed in certain rooms of the house and then only under supervision. No electronics except for a clock radio, no television or computer access. Phone calls only with permission and all monitored. It was brutal to set up, and husband and I had to be very strict with ourselves in order to maintain it, but difficult child thrived in the structure. It took away much of the chaos that he thrives on, and allowed the rest of us to calm down and have some peace. Sending hugs. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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"Detaching" without being "Detached" is tough!
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