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"Detaching" without being "Detached" is tough!
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 384338" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Oh Daisy, it is difficult! And I agree with your Dr, kinda sorta. Did he also discuss creating boundaries for yourselves? You have certain rights and should be able to create healthy boundaries that you all can live with.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Like your daughter, my difficult child also hated showering. I mean, she liked showering once she was in there, but she hated having to go through the whole shabang to get into the shower, and the follow up care. She is still like this. She showers more frequently these days (I would say maybe twice weekly) but she still smells and her hair grosses me out at times, her facial skin looks ruddy and dirty and her breath smells rancid. That said, H and I stopped being polite about it. We laid down the rules on showering (at least once a week with difficult child checking in before and after). Then we detached from this particular behavior. After a while we would simply say, "Okay, you smell, you stink - get a shower in or sleep somewhere else" and then walk away. She would say things like, "Gee thanks Mom" or especially to H, "Yeah well you don't smell so great either". We went through a time when she would either wet her hair to make it seem like she showered or she would just keep adding deoderant or worse, Axe spray from one of her boyfriend's - another amazing thing we couldn't understand...how can they stand her stench? In regards to her stuff being everywhere, I told her (and easy child!) if they leave anything lying around, I will throw it out and not replace it. If her room was a mess, that's her business, but the rest of the home is shared. She rarely left anything lying around after pulling a few items from the dumpster a couple of times. Yes, I followed through with throwing out her things that were left lying around! I even threw out something of easy child's, who pitched a fit - only once. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">The thing is, detaching doesn't mean you stop caring or things don't bother you anymore. What you can be doing instead of obsessing on how she's still bothering you, is to focus on something just for you and H or the rest of the family. It's true, the more you hassle her about showering or cleaning up after herself, the more she will fight back. But stop fighting about it. Instead, lay down your own boundaries of what is acceptable and what's not. If she leaves stuff lying around, throw it out right then and there so she knows it won't be tolerated. If she begins to reek, tell her - "YOU SMELL, go shower!" .... Just don't do it every day. Or every other day. Say it maybe once a week or so, but not every day. If you say it everyday, it's useless. </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">My difficult child is 21, this is one of those things that's part of her - I don't fight it anymore. Instead, if she complains of zits, I may grab the facial scrub and suggest she use it for a few days to see if there's an improvement - that it works for me! If she complains about having to shower just to shave her legs, I exclaim how much I love that just shaved feeling on my legs. Instead of making it about her, I make it about me. She once asked if I thought that dry shampoo stuff works and I shrugged and said no. She never pursued it. Apparently, she has a full beauty kit at her boyfriend's house these days and showers there regularly. I don't buy it because her hair still looks greasy to me. She claims it is 'product', such as straightening gel, etc. Maybe it is. The thing is, that after years of practicing detachment, it seems I just don't even care anymore. If her boyfriend doesn't mind, who am I to care? She's rarely home anymore. And her boyfriend cleans her room for her because he's a neat freak and can't sleep when he's over if it's all messy. He even changes her sheets for her because she hates to do that also! </span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I realize yours is only 15, so you will have to smell her for a few more years and I'm sorry. Detaching was the most difficult thing for me to work through, but it's wonderful and freeing! I think your Dr is smart to tell you to not react to her, but on the other hand, I think you need to put into place some boundaries you can live with before you detach from her behaviors. It is your home after all, and you have a right to live there without horrible odor and mess. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 384338, member: 2211"] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Oh Daisy, it is difficult! And I agree with your Dr, kinda sorta. Did he also discuss creating boundaries for yourselves? You have certain rights and should be able to create healthy boundaries that you all can live with.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Like your daughter, my difficult child also hated showering. I mean, she liked showering once she was in there, but she hated having to go through the whole shabang to get into the shower, and the follow up care. She is still like this. She showers more frequently these days (I would say maybe twice weekly) but she still smells and her hair grosses me out at times, her facial skin looks ruddy and dirty and her breath smells rancid. That said, H and I stopped being polite about it. We laid down the rules on showering (at least once a week with difficult child checking in before and after). Then we detached from this particular behavior. After a while we would simply say, "Okay, you smell, you stink - get a shower in or sleep somewhere else" and then walk away. She would say things like, "Gee thanks Mom" or especially to H, "Yeah well you don't smell so great either". We went through a time when she would either wet her hair to make it seem like she showered or she would just keep adding deoderant or worse, Axe spray from one of her boyfriend's - another amazing thing we couldn't understand...how can they stand her stench? In regards to her stuff being everywhere, I told her (and easy child!) if they leave anything lying around, I will throw it out and not replace it. If her room was a mess, that's her business, but the rest of the home is shared. She rarely left anything lying around after pulling a few items from the dumpster a couple of times. Yes, I followed through with throwing out her things that were left lying around! I even threw out something of easy child's, who pitched a fit - only once. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]The thing is, detaching doesn't mean you stop caring or things don't bother you anymore. What you can be doing instead of obsessing on how she's still bothering you, is to focus on something just for you and H or the rest of the family. It's true, the more you hassle her about showering or cleaning up after herself, the more she will fight back. But stop fighting about it. Instead, lay down your own boundaries of what is acceptable and what's not. If she leaves stuff lying around, throw it out right then and there so she knows it won't be tolerated. If she begins to reek, tell her - "YOU SMELL, go shower!" .... Just don't do it every day. Or every other day. Say it maybe once a week or so, but not every day. If you say it everyday, it's useless. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]My difficult child is 21, this is one of those things that's part of her - I don't fight it anymore. Instead, if she complains of zits, I may grab the facial scrub and suggest she use it for a few days to see if there's an improvement - that it works for me! If she complains about having to shower just to shave her legs, I exclaim how much I love that just shaved feeling on my legs. Instead of making it about her, I make it about me. She once asked if I thought that dry shampoo stuff works and I shrugged and said no. She never pursued it. Apparently, she has a full beauty kit at her boyfriend's house these days and showers there regularly. I don't buy it because her hair still looks greasy to me. She claims it is 'product', such as straightening gel, etc. Maybe it is. The thing is, that after years of practicing detachment, it seems I just don't even care anymore. If her boyfriend doesn't mind, who am I to care? She's rarely home anymore. And her boyfriend cleans her room for her because he's a neat freak and can't sleep when he's over if it's all messy. He even changes her sheets for her because she hates to do that also! [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue][/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I realize yours is only 15, so you will have to smell her for a few more years and I'm sorry. Detaching was the most difficult thing for me to work through, but it's wonderful and freeing! I think your Dr is smart to tell you to not react to her, but on the other hand, I think you need to put into place some boundaries you can live with before you detach from her behaviors. It is your home after all, and you have a right to live there without horrible odor and mess. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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"Detaching" without being "Detached" is tough!
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