I am struggling with detaching but I believe that it is the right thing to do - trouble is it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. This is long but I though it might help. It's an email my husband sent me yesterday:
Ok, its time for a long-winded letter from me.
Let me start with the obvious: men are different than woman. You (a woman) have your way of dealing with this (Alex) and I (a man) have my way. Neither is all right and neither is all wrong; it simply is what is.
I wont address the other obvious things in detail. Youll just have to trust me: I love Alex; I wish that he was with us and normal; I worry about him 24/7; and inside I cringe at every phone call and every thing we hear about him or from him. I can stand toe to toe with you and be as emotional, sad, and angry as you. He is my son and I am devastated over these events.
The difference between us is, of course, how we handle it. I have no interest in the way you handle it and you have none in mind. No problem. The problem is that I would do nothing to change how you handle it and completely understand how you are going about it. But you can not deal with mine and hate me for it. Let me try to explain my side of the story. Right or wrong, this is what I believe and you have as much chance of changing my mind on this as I have of changing yours.
I have, what I believe to be, a complete grasp of reality and truth in this situation. It is my belief (as I have said before) that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that we can do to change current and future events of Alexs life. He has set his feet on his path; one that he believes to be correct and meant for him. It is meaningless to the situation how wrong or how misguided his decisions are. It is his path and he will walk it regardless of what forces work against it. He will walk it until he decides it is the wrong path and then he will set about changing it. Or not.
Here is my proof. You spend a great deal of time in correspondence with others in similar situations; you talk to other parents; you talk with support groups; you read every web-site you can to educate yourself on the topics; youre in contact with people all over the country trying to make sense of all of this; you read his on-line stuff and that of his friends; you talk to parents of his friends; you read books on the subjects; and probably a lot more that I dont know about. Yet, Alex remains gone.
Hes been to psychologists, psychiatrists, hospitals, in-patient drug rehab, out-patient drug rehab, one-on-one counseling, jail, detention, home arrest, emergency rooms, and the back of a police car; yet he remains gone and committed to his path.
I have chosen to move on with my life. That doesnt mean move on without Alex. That statement has nothing to do with, and has no effect on, my love for him, my worry, or my sadness. The door to our home and to my heart will always be open to him. But I have a wife, a daughter, two pets, a job, and a house to worry about as well. And I can do something about them; with them; for them. I cannot do anything with or for Alex because he has chosen to not be a part of our lives right now.
Dont saddle or dismiss me with You (meaning me) dont want to be around someone who doesnt want to be around you. That is still very true and always will be; I cant change that. But that doesnt apply to blood. I want Alex in our house, even if he doesnt want to be there. I want him in school even though he doesnt want to be there; I want him to have a good life, even though good has a different meaning to him than to us. But, hes not here. He has chosen to stay away. He has chosen other things and other people over us for right now; hopefully not for a long period of time. I will not ever hold that against him or reject him because he has rejected us. I simply know that he is not doing any of this to hurt us; we bring the hurt on ourselves because we miss him and worry so much. We have very little to do with it in the grand scheme of things, really. He left because he wanted to be on his own, making his own decisions, and not being told what to do. Its all wrong, its all backwards, its crazy, I hate it as much as you, but it is the situation as it exists, and we cannot change it no matter what we do.
I simply know the truth: he has his own priorities and his own life. And we are not a part of that for the time being. We may be again, and need to keep working towards that
you in your way and me in mine.
One final thing: what would you be doing or how would you feel if Alex were 20 or 21? I can hear your answer from here, But hes not. Hes only 17!!) Maybe this is the gap between us. It might be as simple as me saying that he is mentally as old as a 20 year old (or thinks he is) and so that is how I will treat him and view these situations. You might say he is still a child and 17 means 17. I get it; and it would certainly help explain why we dont see eye to eye on this. But believe me, I think about his age all the time; but then I look at his life and what he is doing now and I dont see a 17 year old. Lets dont go around in circles on this. Lets agree to disagree that I think he is older than 17, and you feel that he should be treated like a 17 year old, because that is how old he is.
I realize that there is nothing very new in what I have said. And I realize that you can easily dismiss it all because of all you have learned and the things you have discussed with others. I accept that. But I look around and I dont see Alex, and I know that we wont see him until he is ready to see us. I know that we are beyond making changes in his life. The changes must come from him and we must be ready to help him if he asks. Short of that I am not going to loose the rest of my life because of one part of my life. I want that part back, but I dont want to loose any more of it.
I love you.
