My difficult child is not quite 13 and if I haven't detached somewhat, I would be in a locked ward. As I tell her all the time, I can offer her the resources (therapy, medications, etc), but I simply cannot do the work for her. I can guide her, hold her hand, show her the way and be her support, but she has to take me up on the offer. I told her that no matter how much I want to be able to do it for her, I can't and even at almost 13 she has to want to help herself. I finally told her that if she doesn't want to use these resources or try to find others that she feels might be better, that is fine; it's her life and her choice. However, I will not let her dump her misery on me anymore.
by the way, this came about after a long meltdown one night after which she was still refusing any kind of help. I told her I could see how miserable she was and I wanted better for her. Her response was, "So?! I'm not going to die!" Simply put, it's easier to do this than to have to do something that will take some work. She had said that numerous times before, but that time something clicked. I just thought, why am I killing myself trying to help her when she doesn't even care.
It seems to have worked as she has willingly gone back on medications and has talked to me about therapy. *knock on wood, throw salt, sign of the cross* Don't want to jinx it. When she was forced to own her problems instead of making them someone else's, it opened her eyes.
