I grew up in the most dysfunctional family in the world.
- I remember seeing my dad pushing my mom down in the chair and the police were at my house
- I remember my little sister lighting a match and dropping it because it burned her and we were home alone
- I remember helping feed babyfood to my baby brother and he wouldn't eat (being baby you know) and my dad told me to eat the baby food and I did because I was hungry
- I remember having to sit on the sofa and be as quiet as a mouse because dad was watching Godzilla & King Kong on tv (black & white might I add !!)
= I remember my 5th birthday and crying because all I wanted was a birthday cake and I did not have one.
I remember my mom leaving my dad and going into hiding - I was 5 years old - All of the above happened before my 5th birthday and I am the oldest child
- when I am 8 years old I am shipped from Texas to Washington State to live with an aunt I didn't know because we were homeless (by now mom has 5 children & 3 step children & we lived in a tent on the lake)
- I saw my mom a year later and she brings me back to Louisiana
- when I am 12 years old - my mom disappears - my grandfather puts out a missing person report on her - the police question me intensly because my step-dad tell them that my mom tells me everything and I was scared because I didn't know where my mom was
- find out mom ran off with some man - and won't take any of her children back (my youngest sister is now 4 & half years old) because new man doens't want children
This is where I have trouble with detachment. This is how I see it. My children think I am over protective and so do many others - but no one knows what I went through as a kid and how STRONGLY I feel!! Now, I have taught my children how to cook, clean, and how to be a good person of society. I am VERY involved in EVERYTHING they do - and I think I do pretty damn good considering how I was taught.
My youngest easy child is not my biological child - he is my sisters child. She had him and let things happen so that he was taken away by the state - I stepped in to help her - I did NOT want her to be like mom - I wanted her to be a good mom to her son (she was 24 when she had him) - but no matter what I did - she seemed to not care! She seemed to not want him - I ended up adopting him because he would have been lost in the system forever. I love him so much and jus tdon't under stand how a parent can "DETACH" from their child -
Yes, my heart is breaking all the time with my difficult child - but I CANNOT detach - very, very, VERY bad experience for me. I don't want to be critical - I just don't understand - for a long time I hated my mom for what she did - but now - I love my mom. I talk to her, see her - & she regrets all that she has done - but she is STILL with the same man who didn't want any of us and convinced her of the same. My mother has no self esteem - neither does my sister (I'm guessing). But my relationship will never be the same with her and I do not want that with my difficult child.
I respect everyone's decisions that they make - I jsut don't understand.
I guess I will suffer forever....
