I adopted my son when he was 22 months. He had been through a lot. Plus he was drug exposed. There is not a door in my house, except the front door that has not been punched through. While my son never hit me he did kind of push me, and once blocked me with a martial arts move and broke my foot.
My son's and my relationship was harmonious and loving until he was about 15. He became resistant and oppositional but still nothing serious. At 18 the extreme moodiness started. At 21 he began to threaten suicide. When 23, he says he began making attempts *by then he was out of the house and he has been hospitalized for suicidality multiple times.
He has not worked pretty much for the last 4 years, and now he is on SSI for mental illness. So our experience is pretty much consistent with what Insane states:
My son is now 27. Let me tell you how I see things looking back.'
I was never equipped to handle a mentally ill adult person in my home. I hung on way too long, until he was 23 before I asked him to leave. Forced him to leave.
My significant other feels guilt that he did not try harder, do more. I do not so much. These young men must find a way to live in the world as they can.
One member here *she may soon respond handled things differently than did I.
And I think she was right. As soon as her son was 18 or so, she applied on his behalf for SSI, applied for him for subsidized housing, and set him up independently. She is his payee, I think. This young man from the time he was a young person had the experience of being independent to the extent he was able.
She was spared the endless fighting that my son and I had, the extreme sadness and guilt and frustration I had. It did not serve my son, I think, that I had expectations of him on which he could not deliver. Still, I think, our relationship is dysfunctional.
I feel resentful and I personalize too much.
I would follow this other member's lead. Demand that your adult son be independent, and help him achieve independence to the extent he is able.
I think I cut off too much support with the expectation he would step in and do it. He did not.
This is all very hard. There is no way that is right. We have to keep trying and trying, and re-tuning our responses.
I am glad you found us. Take heart. You will find great support here, and a way to walk through this.
Let me restate: You are not equipped to take care of a developmentally disabled adult. There are residential set-ups, even shared apartments where young people can live "independently." Parents cannot do this. However much we love them.
Posting helps. Take care.
COPA
