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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 174165" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>klmno, you asked, "But what do you do when others in difficult child's life think you are "too easy" if you don't ground them for a month or a swift, quick "do it and get it done" punishment is not reacting appropriately? I'm not talking about a neighbor down the street- I'm talking about sd's, and others that we pretty much HAVE to deal with?"</p><p></p><p>We're not perfect, but we've been able to implement a lot of the things listed here. We especially had to put in place the immediate, short punishments rather tan the longer ones. The school, in our case, had a severe, and badly delayed, punishment system which at times delayed punishment for up to six months for infractions such as hitting another kid (even when it might have been in self-defence) - and the system came in for Kindergarten kids right through to Grade 6. Kindergarten kids can be as young as 4 years old.</p><p></p><p>So a School District giving ME a hard time - they can go take a flying leap.</p><p></p><p>We do get hassled by easy child 2/difficult child 2 for being too lenient with difficult child 3 in discipline. The thing is, we've learnt a bit more since she was that small. We also have had to customise a lot to suit what each kid can handle (or not). We know what works for us NOW.</p><p></p><p>And easy child 2/difficult child 2 has a very short memory - sister in law was staying with mother in law, so were we. easy child 2/difficult child 2 wanted to read a book to her younger cousin - my girl was 4, her cousin was 3. The two girls were dressed, but had climbed into bed to read the book, snuggled under the bedclothes. sister in law shooed them out. "You shouldn't get back into bed once you're up and dressed," she said to them. "You don't have to be in the bed to read a book."</p><p>I watched to make sure that easy child 2/difficult child 2 had pulled up the bedclothes and re-made the bed. </p><p>Then about fifteen minutes later I heard sister in law getting VERY angry. "I told you girls to get out of the bedroom. You can read the book on the couch. It is very disobedient to get back onto the bed."</p><p>She then came and spoke to me. Well, aren't you going to do something about your insolent child? After I had told them to get out of the bed, they went right back and sat OON the bed to read the book. I wanted them out of there, it's not right to stay in the bedroom during the day."</p><p>I tried to say that sister in law had actually not forbidden them to sit ON the bed, at which point she turned away in disgust. "No wonder the girl's so disobedient," she said. "You let her get away with everything. And now she's teaching my daughter to disobey."</p><p></p><p>I must point out here in sister in law's defence - since that time, she has spent time observing how we handle difficult child 3 and said to her mother, "I don't know how Marg is so patient with him; I don't think I could be. But clearly it is the right thing to do because he is so well-behaved and is doing so well, compared to how he used to be."</p><p></p><p>I also must point out that a lot of sister in law's problems with her younger daughter (only a few months older than difficult child 3) revolve around lack of trust - she is very strict with her girls and rides them hard, but ten doesn't trust them (especially her younger one) because the girl has learned to be sneaky and to hide things from her mother. But I think the hiding things is a learned behaviour brought about by the strictness plus the mother's suspicions, which are not helped by their father also being inconsistent in what he tells people. I feel sorry for sister in law, although I am pleased that her girls are growing up into genuine PCs. Even the younger one's 'sneakiness' is not on a grand scale; the girl has enough innate common sense to make sound decisions of her own. It's just a pity that her mother isn't ready to give her a bit more leg-rope on her surfboard, so to speak.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, I even stood my ground with sister in law & mother in law, although I avoided confrontation over it. I just laid low and did things my way. It is amazing how quickly even an autistic child can learn, that different people have different standards, but the standards that matter are the parents'.</p><p>And now mother in law & sister in law are happy with how I handle difficult child 3. </p><p></p><p>I've done it my way, and it has worked out. For the bulk of my child's life, the most important thing is going to be how I handled him, not how I modified how I handled him in order to keep family members and the school district happy.</p><p></p><p>I suspect if I had caved all those years ago, I would still be fighting many more battles with my kids and I would STILL be getting complaints about how soft and inconsistent I am as a parent. And they'd have more chance of being right - self-fulfilling prophecy!</p><p></p><p>Sara, thanks for posting this article. It's not something I would normally get to see.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 174165, member: 1991"] klmno, you asked, "But what do you do when others in difficult child's life think you are "too easy" if you don't ground them for a month or a swift, quick "do it and get it done" punishment is not reacting appropriately? I'm not talking about a neighbor down the street- I'm talking about sd's, and others that we pretty much HAVE to deal with?" We're not perfect, but we've been able to implement a lot of the things listed here. We especially had to put in place the immediate, short punishments rather tan the longer ones. The school, in our case, had a severe, and badly delayed, punishment system which at times delayed punishment for up to six months for infractions such as hitting another kid (even when it might have been in self-defence) - and the system came in for Kindergarten kids right through to Grade 6. Kindergarten kids can be as young as 4 years old. So a School District giving ME a hard time - they can go take a flying leap. We do get hassled by easy child 2/difficult child 2 for being too lenient with difficult child 3 in discipline. The thing is, we've learnt a bit more since she was that small. We also have had to customise a lot to suit what each kid can handle (or not). We know what works for us NOW. And easy child 2/difficult child 2 has a very short memory - sister in law was staying with mother in law, so were we. easy child 2/difficult child 2 wanted to read a book to her younger cousin - my girl was 4, her cousin was 3. The two girls were dressed, but had climbed into bed to read the book, snuggled under the bedclothes. sister in law shooed them out. "You shouldn't get back into bed once you're up and dressed," she said to them. "You don't have to be in the bed to read a book." I watched to make sure that easy child 2/difficult child 2 had pulled up the bedclothes and re-made the bed. Then about fifteen minutes later I heard sister in law getting VERY angry. "I told you girls to get out of the bedroom. You can read the book on the couch. It is very disobedient to get back onto the bed." She then came and spoke to me. Well, aren't you going to do something about your insolent child? After I had told them to get out of the bed, they went right back and sat OON the bed to read the book. I wanted them out of there, it's not right to stay in the bedroom during the day." I tried to say that sister in law had actually not forbidden them to sit ON the bed, at which point she turned away in disgust. "No wonder the girl's so disobedient," she said. "You let her get away with everything. And now she's teaching my daughter to disobey." I must point out here in sister in law's defence - since that time, she has spent time observing how we handle difficult child 3 and said to her mother, "I don't know how Marg is so patient with him; I don't think I could be. But clearly it is the right thing to do because he is so well-behaved and is doing so well, compared to how he used to be." I also must point out that a lot of sister in law's problems with her younger daughter (only a few months older than difficult child 3) revolve around lack of trust - she is very strict with her girls and rides them hard, but ten doesn't trust them (especially her younger one) because the girl has learned to be sneaky and to hide things from her mother. But I think the hiding things is a learned behaviour brought about by the strictness plus the mother's suspicions, which are not helped by their father also being inconsistent in what he tells people. I feel sorry for sister in law, although I am pleased that her girls are growing up into genuine PCs. Even the younger one's 'sneakiness' is not on a grand scale; the girl has enough innate common sense to make sound decisions of her own. It's just a pity that her mother isn't ready to give her a bit more leg-rope on her surfboard, so to speak. The thing is, I even stood my ground with sister in law & mother in law, although I avoided confrontation over it. I just laid low and did things my way. It is amazing how quickly even an autistic child can learn, that different people have different standards, but the standards that matter are the parents'. And now mother in law & sister in law are happy with how I handle difficult child 3. I've done it my way, and it has worked out. For the bulk of my child's life, the most important thing is going to be how I handled him, not how I modified how I handled him in order to keep family members and the school district happy. I suspect if I had caved all those years ago, I would still be fighting many more battles with my kids and I would STILL be getting complaints about how soft and inconsistent I am as a parent. And they'd have more chance of being right - self-fulfilling prophecy! Sara, thanks for posting this article. It's not something I would normally get to see. Marg [/QUOTE]
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