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Did I give birth to an unicorn? Or three easy steps to become a guru
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 665083" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think this has merit, Cedar. </p><p></p><p>I think my whole life collapsed in front of me, when it was too late to fix any of it. </p><p>The dream I posted just above demonstrates that this is true. </p><p></p><p>I think by putting myself back in bed over and over again I am trying to put myself in her place. As if to say, I will die so that you can come back. Please, Mama, come back. It was a mistake. I made a mistake to go in the wrong direction. Let me correct it, please. Come back.</p><p></p><p>I keep going back to bed and back to bed. And it is not working. But I do not know how to stop going back to bed. </p><p></p><p>Telling myself it is not my fault does not help. Because everything is my fault. Everything is my responsibility. That is the way the game is set up. My whole life.</p><p>Yes, Cedar. I think that what is making this so hard is that we are having to reconstruct identities from the bottom up. Because everything we know of ourselves we did defensively, to accommodate the limits of our mothers. </p><p></p><p>All I want, now, is the chance to have a "rest of my life" outside of bed. Instead, I keep going backwards. There is something that I am missing and I do not know what.</p><p>Me, too. There was always built into that, their wanting for us to take responsibility. Like the mother's saying, it is not my fault. I am doing the best I can. And with that the daughter has to be OK with what she does get which is a bad bargain. And the mother is off the hook. The other piece of it is that the mother wants to be consoled and indulged for how bad she feels. How she feels injured by even being asked to give more or to act differently. </p><p></p><p>So even wanting more is a crime against the mother which gets turned against the daughter. Who is accused for wanting something. Anything at all. And punished for that. (My sister does this to me, too.)</p><p>Thank you, Cedar. Except that I could not live my life over so that I could have been with her. And had a mother.</p><p>Horrible guilt. And loss. My mother was so stunning. Funny. Interesting. Poised. </p><p></p><p>But she hurt me and I could not be who I needed to be, when I was close to her. She cost me my life. So, I chose to leave her. It is regret that I am working through. </p><p></p><p>And I fear it is costing my me life, now. That mourning the life I left behind, I am surrendering any chance of a life, now and in the future.</p><p>Then, how come I am back to bed? When will it be enough?</p><p></p><p>My mother was impossible. She was self-indulgent, dramatic, hard an cunning. She chose herself.</p><p></p><p>Yet she loved me. She tried to change. She tried to love me. I just cannot find my way out of this thicket.</p><p>In who, Cedar? That is what it comes down to. </p><p></p><p>We had nobody to trust. We were let down by everybody. Even ourselves. </p><p></p><p>My life was built on a foundation built on sand. And it caved in. And now I look at everything from that scary place. Knowing that nothing is solid. Nothing is stable. Nothing is safe.</p><p></p><p>And yet I believe to a large extent in M. In his heart and wisdom and strength. I believe in myself. In my mind and creativity. In my own integrity. I believe in my animals. That has to be enough to start over.</p><p></p><p>He is home now. Maybe we can walk today. That is my new plan. We will buy a new collar for Romy. And I will walk each of the dogs every day and once a day M and I can together take them both.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 665083, member: 18958"] I think this has merit, Cedar. I think my whole life collapsed in front of me, when it was too late to fix any of it. The dream I posted just above demonstrates that this is true. I think by putting myself back in bed over and over again I am trying to put myself in her place. As if to say, I will die so that you can come back. Please, Mama, come back. It was a mistake. I made a mistake to go in the wrong direction. Let me correct it, please. Come back. I keep going back to bed and back to bed. And it is not working. But I do not know how to stop going back to bed. Telling myself it is not my fault does not help. Because everything is my fault. Everything is my responsibility. That is the way the game is set up. My whole life. Yes, Cedar. I think that what is making this so hard is that we are having to reconstruct identities from the bottom up. Because everything we know of ourselves we did defensively, to accommodate the limits of our mothers. All I want, now, is the chance to have a "rest of my life" outside of bed. Instead, I keep going backwards. There is something that I am missing and I do not know what. Me, too. There was always built into that, their wanting for us to take responsibility. Like the mother's saying, it is not my fault. I am doing the best I can. And with that the daughter has to be OK with what she does get which is a bad bargain. And the mother is off the hook. The other piece of it is that the mother wants to be consoled and indulged for how bad she feels. How she feels injured by even being asked to give more or to act differently. So even wanting more is a crime against the mother which gets turned against the daughter. Who is accused for wanting something. Anything at all. And punished for that. (My sister does this to me, too.) Thank you, Cedar. Except that I could not live my life over so that I could have been with her. And had a mother. Horrible guilt. And loss. My mother was so stunning. Funny. Interesting. Poised. But she hurt me and I could not be who I needed to be, when I was close to her. She cost me my life. So, I chose to leave her. It is regret that I am working through. And I fear it is costing my me life, now. That mourning the life I left behind, I am surrendering any chance of a life, now and in the future. Then, how come I am back to bed? When will it be enough? My mother was impossible. She was self-indulgent, dramatic, hard an cunning. She chose herself. Yet she loved me. She tried to change. She tried to love me. I just cannot find my way out of this thicket. In who, Cedar? That is what it comes down to. We had nobody to trust. We were let down by everybody. Even ourselves. My life was built on a foundation built on sand. And it caved in. And now I look at everything from that scary place. Knowing that nothing is solid. Nothing is stable. Nothing is safe. And yet I believe to a large extent in M. In his heart and wisdom and strength. I believe in myself. In my mind and creativity. In my own integrity. I believe in my animals. That has to be enough to start over. He is home now. Maybe we can walk today. That is my new plan. We will buy a new collar for Romy. And I will walk each of the dogs every day and once a day M and I can together take them both. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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