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Did we do the right thing?
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 551377" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>Welcome! You are right, your story is similar to many of us. And you are doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>You can not make your son to shape up, but you shouldn't help him to not to do so either. Kicking him out, making him suffer consequences of his choices, let him find a hard way, that he has to earn nice things in life give him a chance to man up. It may take time or unfortunately he may never do it, but at least you are giving him an intensive. </p><p></p><p>Stealing tends to point to addiction (or personality disorder, but that you probably would had noticed before) and drugs are of course a common possibility. It can however also be some other addiction, that are harder to spot, because they do not show or smell. Behavioural addictions are common and much harder to notice than substance abuse. And can be just as serious and lead to same situations than substance abuse. For example my son is recovering gambler, often very well hidden addiction (even from family members) that often leads to stealing and other crimes to get money and unfortunately too often ends up to suicide. Don't get too caught up to the idea that it is drugs, it may be, it may be something else, he will not tell you or look for help before he is ready, but it is clear your son has some unacceptable behaviours. Try to make sure he can not steal from you any more. Assume he is lying to you often. </p><p></p><p>You can however find out what kind of resources there would be for him to get help, when he wants it. As they say, advise is cheap, that is something you can give him. Information about shelters, work service programs or job openings, treatment he would have access to. That kind of things. It is difficult, but there is very little you can do, if he is not ready to help himself. Letting him find out how harsh reality really is, may help on that.</p><p></p><p>Don't feel too guilty about him being spoiled, no skills etc. I have come to conclusion that mostly, when raising a child, modeling is, what works, if it works. I have seen extremely spoiled kids do just fine, they just model their parents responsible life style even if they have used to get everything. If spoiling would make kids unsuccessful, my High School reunions should have really different sort of people attending. Many of my classmates were extremely spoiled, most do really well for themselves now. When your kid fails to model you, it's not likely something relatively small you did (like maybe spoiling them or something similar.) It's either something in the kids wiring or something rather dramatic that happened to them on the way. Or both.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child has now been out of our home year and a half. He is in the unique position that he does have a uncommon skill, that currently brings him roof over his head and food in to his mouth (and very good support system to help him to make it.) If he works hard and is lucky, it may bring him much more in future. We didn't exactly kick him out, but rather gave him a permission to go. He was still a minor, when he was caught stealing both from home and from friends/place of 'work' and while we didn't actually kick him out, the outcome has a lot of similarities. He did have a place to go and he did have treatment lined up, that was a condition for everything. Still it was his choice. And continues to be his choice. We can help with practicalities (for example I still manage his money to help him not to relapse. It is his own request), we can encourage and praise the good effort, we can help to finance positive choices if we choose to do so (we are paying some therapy costs just now while waiting and hoping other sources to come through, and if not, are going to continue paying. He really needs this therapy), we can give sound advise (any kid moving on their own needs those) and we can support emotionally. But we have to let them make their own decisions and carry the consequences from them. It is cute, when 3-year-old thinks it's mommy's fault he fell, because she warned about it. It is dysfunctional and not doing anyone any favours, when 23-year-old blames mom, because she made it possible for him to make a mistake.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 551377, member: 14557"] Welcome! You are right, your story is similar to many of us. And you are doing the right thing. You can not make your son to shape up, but you shouldn't help him to not to do so either. Kicking him out, making him suffer consequences of his choices, let him find a hard way, that he has to earn nice things in life give him a chance to man up. It may take time or unfortunately he may never do it, but at least you are giving him an intensive. Stealing tends to point to addiction (or personality disorder, but that you probably would had noticed before) and drugs are of course a common possibility. It can however also be some other addiction, that are harder to spot, because they do not show or smell. Behavioural addictions are common and much harder to notice than substance abuse. And can be just as serious and lead to same situations than substance abuse. For example my son is recovering gambler, often very well hidden addiction (even from family members) that often leads to stealing and other crimes to get money and unfortunately too often ends up to suicide. Don't get too caught up to the idea that it is drugs, it may be, it may be something else, he will not tell you or look for help before he is ready, but it is clear your son has some unacceptable behaviours. Try to make sure he can not steal from you any more. Assume he is lying to you often. You can however find out what kind of resources there would be for him to get help, when he wants it. As they say, advise is cheap, that is something you can give him. Information about shelters, work service programs or job openings, treatment he would have access to. That kind of things. It is difficult, but there is very little you can do, if he is not ready to help himself. Letting him find out how harsh reality really is, may help on that. Don't feel too guilty about him being spoiled, no skills etc. I have come to conclusion that mostly, when raising a child, modeling is, what works, if it works. I have seen extremely spoiled kids do just fine, they just model their parents responsible life style even if they have used to get everything. If spoiling would make kids unsuccessful, my High School reunions should have really different sort of people attending. Many of my classmates were extremely spoiled, most do really well for themselves now. When your kid fails to model you, it's not likely something relatively small you did (like maybe spoiling them or something similar.) It's either something in the kids wiring or something rather dramatic that happened to them on the way. Or both. My difficult child has now been out of our home year and a half. He is in the unique position that he does have a uncommon skill, that currently brings him roof over his head and food in to his mouth (and very good support system to help him to make it.) If he works hard and is lucky, it may bring him much more in future. We didn't exactly kick him out, but rather gave him a permission to go. He was still a minor, when he was caught stealing both from home and from friends/place of 'work' and while we didn't actually kick him out, the outcome has a lot of similarities. He did have a place to go and he did have treatment lined up, that was a condition for everything. Still it was his choice. And continues to be his choice. We can help with practicalities (for example I still manage his money to help him not to relapse. It is his own request), we can encourage and praise the good effort, we can help to finance positive choices if we choose to do so (we are paying some therapy costs just now while waiting and hoping other sources to come through, and if not, are going to continue paying. He really needs this therapy), we can give sound advise (any kid moving on their own needs those) and we can support emotionally. But we have to let them make their own decisions and carry the consequences from them. It is cute, when 3-year-old thinks it's mommy's fault he fell, because she warned about it. It is dysfunctional and not doing anyone any favours, when 23-year-old blames mom, because she made it possible for him to make a mistake. [/QUOTE]
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