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Difficult child and stepchildren
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<blockquote data-quote="WearyMomof2" data-source="post: 742577" data-attributes="member: 23447"><p>My husband has joint '50/50' custody, one week at each parent. In the beginning, it might have been closer to actually 50/50. Now, things have been changed so that I do not have them in the afternoons on our weeks, they are only here when my husband is here. We have been to family therapy but, the boy's mother objected to our therapist's advice and now there is a court order that she must agree to the boys' therapist. Currently my husband and stepsons go to a separate therapist once a week that is primarily a way for them to complain to their dad about my son.</p><p></p><p>I hate how my son is being treated. We can punish my stepsons for their behavior towards my son but we haven't figured out a day to punish them for their attitude. My son's behavior has gotten worse over the years. My husband and I married 3.5 years ago but we knew each other from work and we got together because of our boys. My son had tremendous difficulties making friends, so we got together at first for them socialize. When we started dating, I had hoped our boys would become friends. We hadn't planned on getting married but the baby changed that. My son's difficulties multiplied when we moved. He was so disorganized. He managed to misplaced his backpack on the way out the door to school. Then, we were late and my stepson' mother gets notified her boys were tardy. This just started a pattern where my son got more disorganized and anxious. My son started new behaviors, like blaming his stepbrothers for everything he couldn't find or had broken. Unfortunately, there were times I did believe him and punished my stepsons for things I later realized they didn't do. You read the step parenting books and they don't tell you how to help kids adjust to things that aren't going to be fair. My stepsons were used to certain house rules that simply didn't work for my son and even for the rules we did have, there were times I'd pick my battles with him to avoid his emotional outbursts. I was doing everything I could. My son got ADHD coaching and a therapist, he was diagnosed with anxiety and the medication started working. We were doing everything we could to make it work for all the boys but my stepsons would go to their mother and complain things weren't fair and tattle on my son. If it had just been our family, I think things would have been better but we had their mother involved. For example, at school my son lost a textbook and blamed my stepson who attended the same school. He was upset and ashamed and and in the moment, he blamed his stepbrother. Had I been called, I could have fixed the situation. Instead, his teacher believed my son and referred my stepson for discipline. His mother was notified and it became a huge deal. I just wish it could have been handled where my stepson understood how embarrassing this is for my son and protected him. Instead my stepson told the vice principal about every other time my son had blamed him for taking things he had lost and tried his best to get my son punished at school.</p><p></p><p>We were in family therapy for about a year. What my stepsons do is complain about my son's behavior to us in front of him and escalate it. We punish them if they bicker or fight with him, so they started to ignore him, which is so much worse for my son but hard to punish. The therapist said we needed more time with all the boys on their own and when that didn't work, the two younger boys having quality time with my son, hoping they could find some common ground. Unfortunately, during one of these times they were having time together, my son got upset, started an argument, and shoved the youngest backwards where he hit his head on the tile floor. Again, it was a time when I wish we could have handled this as a family but the ex was called before we had figured out what happened and my stepson had an unnecessary ER visit. It was a month before the boys came back to our house and then it was with new custody rules, the therapist was fired and we were to 'properly supervise my son'. Truth is, my stepsons escalated the situation. I'm not saying my son is blameless, he shouldn't have gotten upset and the youngest didn't deserve to be hurt but my son gets vilified because he picked on the younger one. He says he did it because he was overwhelmed dealing with one of them when youngest started in too, he lost it and shoved him. Instead of resolving the situation between them, their mother has decided the situation is to be solved by separating the boys. She tells her boys to not talk to my son when we've made it clear we view that as bullying. The older boys have been told by their mother not to leave the youngest with my son, even if their dad is with him. 6 months later during further custody mediation about my son, my son was gave the youngest stepson a black eye. My mom was babysitting, I was at an appointment for my daughter and the boys once again escalated a situation with my son and he lashed out, sucker punched the youngest. I can't make any justifications for this, instead, I am still horrified and very concerned about why he would do this, this prompted his neuropsychological evaluation and many visits to mental health professionals to get the help he needs. The problem was is we're at a point now where the my stepsons ignore my son as much as possible and my husband agrees with it. He walked into custody mediation and allowed his ex to write the custody rules that affect my son. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The toughest thing about my daughter is that she isn't that affected by the outside world. My son can cry and she is perfectly fine. My daughter will have these epic meltdowns where she cries for an hour and my son is wreck the whole time. My stepsons are good with my daughter. I have to give them that. The oldest two grew up being expected help with their little brothers and it's automatic they help with her. I wish they felt the same way about their stepbrother. For example, my stepsons are eagle eyed when it comes to my son leaving out toys and items that are choking hazards for toddlers. But they always have to make a big deal about it. They can't just put the legos, etc away, they must come and tell their dad that my son left out something he shouldn't.</p><p></p><p></p><p>He is much better without his stepbrothers. Partly, that is being able to have a set schedule, my stepsons' schedules are crazy busy. Without them, he will still be overemotional and have moments where he gets very upset but if we don't make a big deal of it. He recovers quickly from it and it doesn't trigger his anxiety. He does so much better without the boys that I get upset when my husband accepts first right of first refusal parenting time. His ex gets the boys anytime husband uses a babysitter, including me, so they are with their mom almost all the time after school and during breaks. When his ex uses a babysitter on weekends, husband could get the boys but I've asked him not to. A few weekends ago, husband could have had the two oldest when his ex was out of town with the two youngest at a sport tournament but he let them stay with his parents instead. More and more, his 50/50 custody is more like every other weekend parenting whether he admits it or not. I hope at some point, we could move somewhere more affordable and just accept the child support payment in exchange for official every other weekend visitation. It would be so much better for my son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WearyMomof2, post: 742577, member: 23447"] My husband has joint '50/50' custody, one week at each parent. In the beginning, it might have been closer to actually 50/50. Now, things have been changed so that I do not have them in the afternoons on our weeks, they are only here when my husband is here. We have been to family therapy but, the boy's mother objected to our therapist's advice and now there is a court order that she must agree to the boys' therapist. Currently my husband and stepsons go to a separate therapist once a week that is primarily a way for them to complain to their dad about my son. I hate how my son is being treated. We can punish my stepsons for their behavior towards my son but we haven't figured out a day to punish them for their attitude. My son's behavior has gotten worse over the years. My husband and I married 3.5 years ago but we knew each other from work and we got together because of our boys. My son had tremendous difficulties making friends, so we got together at first for them socialize. When we started dating, I had hoped our boys would become friends. We hadn't planned on getting married but the baby changed that. My son's difficulties multiplied when we moved. He was so disorganized. He managed to misplaced his backpack on the way out the door to school. Then, we were late and my stepson' mother gets notified her boys were tardy. This just started a pattern where my son got more disorganized and anxious. My son started new behaviors, like blaming his stepbrothers for everything he couldn't find or had broken. Unfortunately, there were times I did believe him and punished my stepsons for things I later realized they didn't do. You read the step parenting books and they don't tell you how to help kids adjust to things that aren't going to be fair. My stepsons were used to certain house rules that simply didn't work for my son and even for the rules we did have, there were times I'd pick my battles with him to avoid his emotional outbursts. I was doing everything I could. My son got ADHD coaching and a therapist, he was diagnosed with anxiety and the medication started working. We were doing everything we could to make it work for all the boys but my stepsons would go to their mother and complain things weren't fair and tattle on my son. If it had just been our family, I think things would have been better but we had their mother involved. For example, at school my son lost a textbook and blamed my stepson who attended the same school. He was upset and ashamed and and in the moment, he blamed his stepbrother. Had I been called, I could have fixed the situation. Instead, his teacher believed my son and referred my stepson for discipline. His mother was notified and it became a huge deal. I just wish it could have been handled where my stepson understood how embarrassing this is for my son and protected him. Instead my stepson told the vice principal about every other time my son had blamed him for taking things he had lost and tried his best to get my son punished at school. We were in family therapy for about a year. What my stepsons do is complain about my son's behavior to us in front of him and escalate it. We punish them if they bicker or fight with him, so they started to ignore him, which is so much worse for my son but hard to punish. The therapist said we needed more time with all the boys on their own and when that didn't work, the two younger boys having quality time with my son, hoping they could find some common ground. Unfortunately, during one of these times they were having time together, my son got upset, started an argument, and shoved the youngest backwards where he hit his head on the tile floor. Again, it was a time when I wish we could have handled this as a family but the ex was called before we had figured out what happened and my stepson had an unnecessary ER visit. It was a month before the boys came back to our house and then it was with new custody rules, the therapist was fired and we were to 'properly supervise my son'. Truth is, my stepsons escalated the situation. I'm not saying my son is blameless, he shouldn't have gotten upset and the youngest didn't deserve to be hurt but my son gets vilified because he picked on the younger one. He says he did it because he was overwhelmed dealing with one of them when youngest started in too, he lost it and shoved him. Instead of resolving the situation between them, their mother has decided the situation is to be solved by separating the boys. She tells her boys to not talk to my son when we've made it clear we view that as bullying. The older boys have been told by their mother not to leave the youngest with my son, even if their dad is with him. 6 months later during further custody mediation about my son, my son was gave the youngest stepson a black eye. My mom was babysitting, I was at an appointment for my daughter and the boys once again escalated a situation with my son and he lashed out, sucker punched the youngest. I can't make any justifications for this, instead, I am still horrified and very concerned about why he would do this, this prompted his neuropsychological evaluation and many visits to mental health professionals to get the help he needs. The problem was is we're at a point now where the my stepsons ignore my son as much as possible and my husband agrees with it. He walked into custody mediation and allowed his ex to write the custody rules that affect my son. The toughest thing about my daughter is that she isn't that affected by the outside world. My son can cry and she is perfectly fine. My daughter will have these epic meltdowns where she cries for an hour and my son is wreck the whole time. My stepsons are good with my daughter. I have to give them that. The oldest two grew up being expected help with their little brothers and it's automatic they help with her. I wish they felt the same way about their stepbrother. For example, my stepsons are eagle eyed when it comes to my son leaving out toys and items that are choking hazards for toddlers. But they always have to make a big deal about it. They can't just put the legos, etc away, they must come and tell their dad that my son left out something he shouldn't. He is much better without his stepbrothers. Partly, that is being able to have a set schedule, my stepsons' schedules are crazy busy. Without them, he will still be overemotional and have moments where he gets very upset but if we don't make a big deal of it. He recovers quickly from it and it doesn't trigger his anxiety. He does so much better without the boys that I get upset when my husband accepts first right of first refusal parenting time. His ex gets the boys anytime husband uses a babysitter, including me, so they are with their mom almost all the time after school and during breaks. When his ex uses a babysitter on weekends, husband could get the boys but I've asked him not to. A few weekends ago, husband could have had the two oldest when his ex was out of town with the two youngest at a sport tournament but he let them stay with his parents instead. More and more, his 50/50 custody is more like every other weekend parenting whether he admits it or not. I hope at some point, we could move somewhere more affordable and just accept the child support payment in exchange for official every other weekend visitation. It would be so much better for my son. [/QUOTE]
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