Barbara, Janet's prayer was in response to my post. Holidays are hard on us parentss whose difficult child's are lost to us. My difficult child has missed several family birthday celebrations, two Christmases, two Easter's, three weddings, two babtisms, and the list goes on and on. And it has only been a little over a year that he has been in the penal system. I think that I will always think of him when I wake up in the morning of a holiday. I do not want to fight those thoughts but after I feel them I say a prayer for him. Then I try very hard to put him out of my mind and enjoy the celebrations such as they are. I am getting better at it but it is hard. That is why I posed. I was having a hard time pushing the thoughts away. The friends here helped me do that, they acknowledeged my feelings and sent hugs and support so I didn't feel so down.
It truly is not a matter of not appreciating what we do have it is a matter of longing for a child we love. I believe that longing is natural and that it needs to be acknowledged. The key is not letting it take over the holiday and cast a cloud over whatever is planned.
I am so very thankful that my daughter has the gathering at her house. Thankful that my other kids come and participate. Thankful to be able to watch my grandchildren play and get rambuncious.
I have lived with dysfunction all my life but the holidays were always made special. They were always a day of reflection on family and friends. Everyone always got along everyone always chipped in and worked together. When difficult child was using drugs and erratic that was taken away from our family. He was so disruptive. I pray that someday he will be able to once again be present and pleasant at our family gatherings. But truthfully untill he can once again just enjoy us and blend with us, I know in my heart it is better he isn't in attandance.
Funny I feel no guilt saying that. I love him, I long for him but I also love my family and hold dear the tradition of peace and togetherness at holidays and family gatherings. I and they need that and deserve that. And for my grandchildren that goes double.
I'm sending (((HUGS))) to you Barb, I do know of your pain. Maybe if you do as I try to do, and just set aside a time in the morning to think of your son and say a prayer for him and then put thoughts of him aside for the rest of the day? -RM
