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difficult child has now sold (ebay) all the gifts he received from us last year...
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 487677"><p>While I appreciate your concern and I am genuinely touched by the sentiment behind it, I have to disagree; I love my son and yes - he is often in my thoughts. But my life is not about him. This is the "Difficult Adult Child" board so I post about my "Difficult Adult Child" 99% of the time. I don't post about my wonderful 2 younger boys, my PITA job, my husband, my volunteer work, my lousy tennis game, the great book I just finished, my ridiculous craft project that is turning out hideously, my love of cooking, my penchant for Hersey's kisses with- Almonds, the wonderful vacation I took last week... please be assured I have a full life. I don't post about it because it's irrelevant to the subject at the top of the page. I come here to check in, to touch base with the wonderful women who were my lifeline that awful first week, and because it reminds me not to enable. And when I read posts by Nancy, and TL and PG (in particular), it drives home the fact that my difficult child has begun a journey down a really dark path. That reminder fortifies my belief that H and I cannot pretend he is OK and we were right to draw a line in the sand!</p><p></p><p>Is my son an addict? I don't know, but I do know that using pot is costing him a lot more than it is benefiting him and that's enough for me. There is so much I don't know because it all happened so abruptly. I found out my son was using pot (prolifically) at 2pm on Monday August 29. Until that date, I thought that everything was mostly OK. Yes we had some hiccups but nothing that was atypical to any young man's first summer home after college. At 7pm on 8/29, we expressed our concern about his drug use combined with his 2.2 GPA; we asked him to stay home and regroup, and when he balked, we told him we could not financially support his return to school knowing he planned to use drugs. At 7:20 pm he moved out AGAINST OUR WISHES and went back to school. He LEFT and lives nearly 5 hours away! Can you imagine that unfolding in the course of 5 hours? ABRUPT doesn't begin to explain it. Since that day, I have had little contact with him, I didn't hear from him for over a month. I have no idea how he is supporting himself. I've seen him for a few hours on 3 occasions. Our relationship is undergoing a slow thaw and he seems to be reaching out a bit. He is about to come home for an extended stay and I am concerned. I want to reach out to the easy child inside my difficult child and that's the dilemma I post about. (And the dilemma for which I sought therapy)</p><p></p><p>MM-you posted that I seem to feel guilty that I am not paying difficult child's tuition. I had to chew on that for a while. I feel HORRIBLE but I don't feel guilty. Because it never dawned on us that difficult child would leave & go back to school, there were times early on that I wondered if we should've paid his tuition and rent and kept quiet. I felt like we threw him from the frying pan into the fire and was worried (and still am a bit) that he would do something desperate to earn the immediate $6000 he had been counting upon. I got over that wish by remembering the only thing worse than difficult child being back at school and partying too much WITHOUT our money/approval is for him to be back at school and partying too much WITH our money/(tacit) approval. </p><p> </p><p>I am not desperate for his approval. If I were, I could easily obtain it at great personal cost. That's my stumbling block. I struggle between my mommy heart and the part of me that wants to shake some sense into him.</p><p> </p><p>Now this is way too long and if you have gotten this far, I thank you. Somehow I must have gotten off on the wrong foot here and for that I apologize. I represented myself as wishy washy or singularly fixated when I am not. I am very concerned for my son. I won't hide or apologize for that; I wouldn't want to be any other way and it's important for me to be a part of his life. But I post here as an OUTLET because it's safe (and because writing is my outlet) and this is the ONLY place I go to when I stew. So, yes when I am here - I AM often stewing, but when I am not here, I am not stewing. I hope this makes sense.</p><p></p><p>And Star* - just caught your post and I agree. The gift we bought him is a last time thing if it disappears.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 487677"] While I appreciate your concern and I am genuinely touched by the sentiment behind it, I have to disagree; I love my son and yes - he is often in my thoughts. But my life is not about him. This is the "Difficult Adult Child" board so I post about my "Difficult Adult Child" 99% of the time. I don't post about my wonderful 2 younger boys, my PITA job, my husband, my volunteer work, my lousy tennis game, the great book I just finished, my ridiculous craft project that is turning out hideously, my love of cooking, my penchant for Hersey's kisses with- Almonds, the wonderful vacation I took last week... please be assured I have a full life. I don't post about it because it's irrelevant to the subject at the top of the page. I come here to check in, to touch base with the wonderful women who were my lifeline that awful first week, and because it reminds me not to enable. And when I read posts by Nancy, and TL and PG (in particular), it drives home the fact that my difficult child has begun a journey down a really dark path. That reminder fortifies my belief that H and I cannot pretend he is OK and we were right to draw a line in the sand! Is my son an addict? I don't know, but I do know that using pot is costing him a lot more than it is benefiting him and that's enough for me. There is so much I don't know because it all happened so abruptly. I found out my son was using pot (prolifically) at 2pm on Monday August 29. Until that date, I thought that everything was mostly OK. Yes we had some hiccups but nothing that was atypical to any young man's first summer home after college. At 7pm on 8/29, we expressed our concern about his drug use combined with his 2.2 GPA; we asked him to stay home and regroup, and when he balked, we told him we could not financially support his return to school knowing he planned to use drugs. At 7:20 pm he moved out AGAINST OUR WISHES and went back to school. He LEFT and lives nearly 5 hours away! Can you imagine that unfolding in the course of 5 hours? ABRUPT doesn't begin to explain it. Since that day, I have had little contact with him, I didn't hear from him for over a month. I have no idea how he is supporting himself. I've seen him for a few hours on 3 occasions. Our relationship is undergoing a slow thaw and he seems to be reaching out a bit. He is about to come home for an extended stay and I am concerned. I want to reach out to the easy child inside my difficult child and that's the dilemma I post about. (And the dilemma for which I sought therapy) MM-you posted that I seem to feel guilty that I am not paying difficult child's tuition. I had to chew on that for a while. I feel HORRIBLE but I don't feel guilty. Because it never dawned on us that difficult child would leave & go back to school, there were times early on that I wondered if we should've paid his tuition and rent and kept quiet. I felt like we threw him from the frying pan into the fire and was worried (and still am a bit) that he would do something desperate to earn the immediate $6000 he had been counting upon. I got over that wish by remembering the only thing worse than difficult child being back at school and partying too much WITHOUT our money/approval is for him to be back at school and partying too much WITH our money/(tacit) approval. I am not desperate for his approval. If I were, I could easily obtain it at great personal cost. That's my stumbling block. I struggle between my mommy heart and the part of me that wants to shake some sense into him. Now this is way too long and if you have gotten this far, I thank you. Somehow I must have gotten off on the wrong foot here and for that I apologize. I represented myself as wishy washy or singularly fixated when I am not. I am very concerned for my son. I won't hide or apologize for that; I wouldn't want to be any other way and it's important for me to be a part of his life. But I post here as an OUTLET because it's safe (and because writing is my outlet) and this is the ONLY place I go to when I stew. So, yes when I am here - I AM often stewing, but when I am not here, I am not stewing. I hope this makes sense. And Star* - just caught your post and I agree. The gift we bought him is a last time thing if it disappears. [/QUOTE]
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difficult child has now sold (ebay) all the gifts he received from us last year...
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