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difficult child is bk to the usual in school
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 378037" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Fight the guilt. The more you take her out of school when she calls the more she will call. She may or may not adjust to the school schedule, but if you keep making her go in the morning and making her stay no matter what, the more she is going to learn that she cannot get out of school. It may take a while, but leaving her there to figure it out is EXACTLY what the tdocs and psychiatrists told us to do. IF you can stay strong she is now old enough that it just might work that she figures her own ways to cope (and use skills she has been taught by all the docs over the years) and she will figure out a way to handle the day in school. in my opinion she needs to be left in school to figure out how to cope with this. School is a fact of life, or should be. If you homeschool her it is going to be a LOT more battles and you already are pretty self aware enough and know she will wear you down and do very little, if any school work. </p><p> </p><p>Why not tell her that she can call you from the nurse's office during the day if she is sick, but she is not allowed to use her cell phone to call/text you during the school day? It would force her to only call home when she could get an adult to see it was needed, give you a set group of hours to be alone and sleep or get things done, AND let difficult child know that you love her enough to make sure she starts to get some time to be independent. If she gets bored enough in the nurse's office, she just might start to spend more time with the other kids.</p><p> </p><p>I KNOW her anxiety is high. And that she counts on you to talk her down when it is. I also know she has had years of therapy and help to learn to manage this herself. She is in middle school and really is old enough to start to handle this on her own more. She is also very used to just calling and coming home when she is bored or doesn't like what is going on in school. IF there is a true problem at school you will be notified by the nurse, office staff or principal/VP. Otherwise maybe being allowed to handle this on her own by not being able to keep calling you over and over during the day, and by not being able to use anxiety as a reason to come home when she doesn't want to be at school will help her in the long run.</p><p> </p><p>I am JUST guessing, and not suggesting you just ignore her anxiety. I am suggesting you allow the adults at school to handle it. The nurse, counselor, etc... will be able to see real panic and anxiety. But by NOT being able to just text/call you on her cell and get you to come get her, you are encouraging independence and handling her own problems, AND you are telling her that school is important and she has to go there and stay there.</p><p> </p><p>It also may put a degree of distance between you, so that you each get some time to be yourseelves with-o the constant contact with each other. </p><p> </p><p>I think I am garbling this. I just mean that it may actually be good for both of you to not be together always and for difficult child to learn that just because she is anxious doesn't mean she needs you as her "fixer" and her crutch. I hope that comes out as it is meant, which is not harsh or mean or uncaring. difficult child will likely accuse you of not caring when you start refusing to read her texts during the school day and refusing to come get her or speak endlessly to her on the phone during the day. This is a new school and in time someone will be able to take time to talk her through times of high anxiety.</p><p> </p><p>YOU have to be strong and not give in when she calls you to come get her. NOT UNFEELING. It will be very hard and you can let her know that separating like this isn't easy for either of you, but you feel she is old enough to handle this so you have to be mature enough and strong enough to help her handle it the best way you can - by giving her time and space to figure it out. </p><p> </p><p>If you keep going to get her you not only interfere in her education, you also teach her that she cannot cope without you, that she isn't strong enough or smart enough to use the tools she has to handle this.</p><p> </p><p>Hugs to you both, and I hope this made sense.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 378037, member: 1233"] Fight the guilt. The more you take her out of school when she calls the more she will call. She may or may not adjust to the school schedule, but if you keep making her go in the morning and making her stay no matter what, the more she is going to learn that she cannot get out of school. It may take a while, but leaving her there to figure it out is EXACTLY what the tdocs and psychiatrists told us to do. IF you can stay strong she is now old enough that it just might work that she figures her own ways to cope (and use skills she has been taught by all the docs over the years) and she will figure out a way to handle the day in school. in my opinion she needs to be left in school to figure out how to cope with this. School is a fact of life, or should be. If you homeschool her it is going to be a LOT more battles and you already are pretty self aware enough and know she will wear you down and do very little, if any school work. Why not tell her that she can call you from the nurse's office during the day if she is sick, but she is not allowed to use her cell phone to call/text you during the school day? It would force her to only call home when she could get an adult to see it was needed, give you a set group of hours to be alone and sleep or get things done, AND let difficult child know that you love her enough to make sure she starts to get some time to be independent. If she gets bored enough in the nurse's office, she just might start to spend more time with the other kids. I KNOW her anxiety is high. And that she counts on you to talk her down when it is. I also know she has had years of therapy and help to learn to manage this herself. She is in middle school and really is old enough to start to handle this on her own more. She is also very used to just calling and coming home when she is bored or doesn't like what is going on in school. IF there is a true problem at school you will be notified by the nurse, office staff or principal/VP. Otherwise maybe being allowed to handle this on her own by not being able to keep calling you over and over during the day, and by not being able to use anxiety as a reason to come home when she doesn't want to be at school will help her in the long run. I am JUST guessing, and not suggesting you just ignore her anxiety. I am suggesting you allow the adults at school to handle it. The nurse, counselor, etc... will be able to see real panic and anxiety. But by NOT being able to just text/call you on her cell and get you to come get her, you are encouraging independence and handling her own problems, AND you are telling her that school is important and she has to go there and stay there. It also may put a degree of distance between you, so that you each get some time to be yourseelves with-o the constant contact with each other. I think I am garbling this. I just mean that it may actually be good for both of you to not be together always and for difficult child to learn that just because she is anxious doesn't mean she needs you as her "fixer" and her crutch. I hope that comes out as it is meant, which is not harsh or mean or uncaring. difficult child will likely accuse you of not caring when you start refusing to read her texts during the school day and refusing to come get her or speak endlessly to her on the phone during the day. This is a new school and in time someone will be able to take time to talk her through times of high anxiety. YOU have to be strong and not give in when she calls you to come get her. NOT UNFEELING. It will be very hard and you can let her know that separating like this isn't easy for either of you, but you feel she is old enough to handle this so you have to be mature enough and strong enough to help her handle it the best way you can - by giving her time and space to figure it out. If you keep going to get her you not only interfere in her education, you also teach her that she cannot cope without you, that she isn't strong enough or smart enough to use the tools she has to handle this. Hugs to you both, and I hope this made sense. [/QUOTE]
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