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difficult child is good in outside world, but horrible at home.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 386898" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Have you tried the CPS methods described in "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? Sometimes we have to change direction and I have seen that especially with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), the CPS approach seems to work a lot better. Go to the Early Childhood forum and look at the sticky there on how to adapt "Explosive Child" to younger children. See if there is something there. because clearly, what you're doing now is not working FOR YOU. It is working for him, but you need more, and I think you do need a change.</p><p></p><p>The CPS methods I found were actually easier for me, oncer I got into the habit and changed my mindset. But otherwise, a lot of what yo are already doing is right. But there is something in there that is setting him off, and you need to think and try to identify what it is. It is not necessarily a wrong thing, but still needs to be identified. You ten make your own quiet list on what you feel MUST be addressed (and it sounds to me like respect for you needs to be higher on that list) and then focus on that one area and let the rest go hang. For now.</p><p></p><p>With Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) especially, to teach respect you have to show respect, even if he is not respecting you first. Someone has to go first and it should be the adult, especially the adult who doesn't have a disorder. But he will model his behaviour on how you behave to him. These kids work by "do as I do" and NOT by "do as I say", simply because what you do always sends a far stronger message that they can much more easily understand. it's like having traffic signals at the crossroads where the word "stop" is written on the light in small print, but the light shows green. What do you do? Do you even see the word? Or just respond to the green light? If you were taught to respond to both the green light, and the word, you would be confused by the mixed message perhaps, but still be more likely to respond to the bigger, more obvious signal and choose that option.</p><p></p><p>It's very much like this for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids, for whom some signals are far stronger than others. And their mimicry is incredible. They will do as you do, say as you say, right down to the hand gestures, the tone of voice and all. For example, husband has a way of speaking when he gets angry, which I (after years of living with him) understand and accept in my own way. But it really triggers difficult child 3, and he then dishes the same stuff back, only it's the same stuff tempered with difficult child 3's misplaced sense of outrage and lack of understanding (plus overblown sense of personal entitlement). A nasty combination. difficult child 3 is trying to be like his father, but in the wrong way. husband does what he does, because it is how HE was taught, and what worked on him when he was a kid. And it has worked for him, in general. Until now.</p><p></p><p>I want to make it clear - husband is a good dad, he really is. But he was raised to be strict, to be strong, and to stand firm. And with these kids, it then can become the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. These kids have an amazing capacity for self-control, but if they sense that we are trying to control them, all that inner strength of their (which they also inherited from us as well as learned form us) gets targeted right at us and our attempts to control. So we do better when we focus on teaching self-control. For parents who have always felt that their place is to be in control, this is very difficult. But believe it or not, you are still not necessarily relinquishing control. Just moving the goal posts.</p><p></p><p>We try, we work on how we talk to difficult child 3, we grit our teeth over some things and recognise that once he gets angry, his chance of learning appropriate behaviour has just gone south. It becomes almost "anti-learning". We get better results (although often too slowly for our satisfaction) if we ease back and work with him when he is calmer. If he begins to escalate, we ease back. Then pick up again when he is calmer.</p><p></p><p>It can be frustrating, but as you see progress it can make it easier. They do get there. But it can take longer than you expect. But then - there can also be other surprises along the way.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 386898, member: 1991"] Have you tried the CPS methods described in "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? Sometimes we have to change direction and I have seen that especially with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), the CPS approach seems to work a lot better. Go to the Early Childhood forum and look at the sticky there on how to adapt "Explosive Child" to younger children. See if there is something there. because clearly, what you're doing now is not working FOR YOU. It is working for him, but you need more, and I think you do need a change. The CPS methods I found were actually easier for me, oncer I got into the habit and changed my mindset. But otherwise, a lot of what yo are already doing is right. But there is something in there that is setting him off, and you need to think and try to identify what it is. It is not necessarily a wrong thing, but still needs to be identified. You ten make your own quiet list on what you feel MUST be addressed (and it sounds to me like respect for you needs to be higher on that list) and then focus on that one area and let the rest go hang. For now. With Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) especially, to teach respect you have to show respect, even if he is not respecting you first. Someone has to go first and it should be the adult, especially the adult who doesn't have a disorder. But he will model his behaviour on how you behave to him. These kids work by "do as I do" and NOT by "do as I say", simply because what you do always sends a far stronger message that they can much more easily understand. it's like having traffic signals at the crossroads where the word "stop" is written on the light in small print, but the light shows green. What do you do? Do you even see the word? Or just respond to the green light? If you were taught to respond to both the green light, and the word, you would be confused by the mixed message perhaps, but still be more likely to respond to the bigger, more obvious signal and choose that option. It's very much like this for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids, for whom some signals are far stronger than others. And their mimicry is incredible. They will do as you do, say as you say, right down to the hand gestures, the tone of voice and all. For example, husband has a way of speaking when he gets angry, which I (after years of living with him) understand and accept in my own way. But it really triggers difficult child 3, and he then dishes the same stuff back, only it's the same stuff tempered with difficult child 3's misplaced sense of outrage and lack of understanding (plus overblown sense of personal entitlement). A nasty combination. difficult child 3 is trying to be like his father, but in the wrong way. husband does what he does, because it is how HE was taught, and what worked on him when he was a kid. And it has worked for him, in general. Until now. I want to make it clear - husband is a good dad, he really is. But he was raised to be strict, to be strong, and to stand firm. And with these kids, it then can become the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. These kids have an amazing capacity for self-control, but if they sense that we are trying to control them, all that inner strength of their (which they also inherited from us as well as learned form us) gets targeted right at us and our attempts to control. So we do better when we focus on teaching self-control. For parents who have always felt that their place is to be in control, this is very difficult. But believe it or not, you are still not necessarily relinquishing control. Just moving the goal posts. We try, we work on how we talk to difficult child 3, we grit our teeth over some things and recognise that once he gets angry, his chance of learning appropriate behaviour has just gone south. It becomes almost "anti-learning". We get better results (although often too slowly for our satisfaction) if we ease back and work with him when he is calmer. If he begins to escalate, we ease back. Then pick up again when he is calmer. It can be frustrating, but as you see progress it can make it easier. They do get there. But it can take longer than you expect. But then - there can also be other surprises along the way. Marg [/QUOTE]
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