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difficult child is good in outside world, but horrible at home.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 386918" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Marg has excellent points, but in this situation she is completely off the mark. The ONE thing that we can absolutely NOT tolerate, compromise on, or allow to continue is any kind of physical violence. I don't care how old he is, he simply cannot stay in your home if he hits, punches, and otherwise batters you.</p><p> </p><p>YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.</p><p> </p><p>It isn't popular to address the idea of a child abusing a parent. People don't want to talk about it because they don't want to admit it could happen to them. I would make a couple of appointments. First, get an intake appointment for couselling at a domestic violence center. If nothing else they can help you work through your emotions. Contact his psychiatrist to discuss hospitalization and placement out of the home until such time as he can be SAFE while living in your home. You are going to have to be SO STRONG and SO ADAMANT or they will pat you on the head and ignore both you AND your son.</p><p> </p><p>You also need to get social services to be involved. You may have to file a petition with the court to get him into a group home, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or therapeutic foster home. The first thing should be the psychiatric hospital so that anything that can be done is done. That is where it will get tough because they will want to send him home after a couple of days. And you will miss him (but not the abuse he gives you). You MUST tell the people at the psychiatric hospital that he cannot come home until he has PROVEN that he can make safe choices while living in a home. </p><p> </p><p>There are a bunch of reasons for this. Regardless of what people say, you don't do this to punish your child, or out of hate, anger, bitterness or vindictiveness. You do it in the hopes that you can have a safe, loving bond with your child at some point in the future. You also work to teach him to make SAFE choices so that when he is an adult he won't live his life in a prison or jail.</p><p> </p><p>The biggest reason to do it? To SAVE your son from a lifetime of guilt and remorse and regret. If your son manages to hurt you seriously, or to kill you, he will NEVER RECOVER. It will be an enormous tragedy and a giant waste. NO loving paarent wants their child to shoulder that burden, and it is what WILL happen if you don't work NOW to stop your son from being violent and hurting you. Wiz was violent - esp to Jess and I. He actively wanted us to die. He was 11 or 12 when he managed to cause some nerve damage in my left hand as he tried to go through me to get to Jessica. Wiz is 19 now, 20 very soon. Every time we are together I hide it if I feel any pain or weakness in that hand. He will hold it, rub it, even kiss it to try to make it better - and he HATES to touch people, esp their hands and other than this he has only actually kissed me a handful of times in the last 5 years. I DON"T remind him, and do all I can to help him not remember it. He worked hard to change and there is no reason for him to feel guilt, not in my eyes.</p><p> </p><p>If the worst happens, it will be SO HARD for anyone to convince your son you love him regardless. I know it is NOT what you want for your son. PLEASE work to get him into a placement where he will be unable to hurt you or anyone else. He NEEDS to learn to make safe choices, and while you are being abused this way you simply cannot change the dynamic enough without a boatload of help, the kind that are there 24/7 to make sure that everyone is safe.</p><p> </p><p>Just because he is young does NOT mean he won't do things that have permanent consequences. one of our jobs as parents is to protect our kids from things that have consequences that they won't understand or be able to handle but would hurt them for years and years to come. Stopping this cycle of abuse is one of those things. </p><p> </p><p>I am so sorry. I have lived this, and I cannot see ANY way that you can create that loving bond that your son needs with you until he is able to make safe choices. There is time to work on other things like respect once no one is being hurt. Violence cannot be tolerated. it just can't.</p><p> </p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 386918, member: 1233"] Marg has excellent points, but in this situation she is completely off the mark. The ONE thing that we can absolutely NOT tolerate, compromise on, or allow to continue is any kind of physical violence. I don't care how old he is, he simply cannot stay in your home if he hits, punches, and otherwise batters you. YOU ARE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. It isn't popular to address the idea of a child abusing a parent. People don't want to talk about it because they don't want to admit it could happen to them. I would make a couple of appointments. First, get an intake appointment for couselling at a domestic violence center. If nothing else they can help you work through your emotions. Contact his psychiatrist to discuss hospitalization and placement out of the home until such time as he can be SAFE while living in your home. You are going to have to be SO STRONG and SO ADAMANT or they will pat you on the head and ignore both you AND your son. You also need to get social services to be involved. You may have to file a petition with the court to get him into a group home, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or therapeutic foster home. The first thing should be the psychiatric hospital so that anything that can be done is done. That is where it will get tough because they will want to send him home after a couple of days. And you will miss him (but not the abuse he gives you). You MUST tell the people at the psychiatric hospital that he cannot come home until he has PROVEN that he can make safe choices while living in a home. There are a bunch of reasons for this. Regardless of what people say, you don't do this to punish your child, or out of hate, anger, bitterness or vindictiveness. You do it in the hopes that you can have a safe, loving bond with your child at some point in the future. You also work to teach him to make SAFE choices so that when he is an adult he won't live his life in a prison or jail. The biggest reason to do it? To SAVE your son from a lifetime of guilt and remorse and regret. If your son manages to hurt you seriously, or to kill you, he will NEVER RECOVER. It will be an enormous tragedy and a giant waste. NO loving paarent wants their child to shoulder that burden, and it is what WILL happen if you don't work NOW to stop your son from being violent and hurting you. Wiz was violent - esp to Jess and I. He actively wanted us to die. He was 11 or 12 when he managed to cause some nerve damage in my left hand as he tried to go through me to get to Jessica. Wiz is 19 now, 20 very soon. Every time we are together I hide it if I feel any pain or weakness in that hand. He will hold it, rub it, even kiss it to try to make it better - and he HATES to touch people, esp their hands and other than this he has only actually kissed me a handful of times in the last 5 years. I DON"T remind him, and do all I can to help him not remember it. He worked hard to change and there is no reason for him to feel guilt, not in my eyes. If the worst happens, it will be SO HARD for anyone to convince your son you love him regardless. I know it is NOT what you want for your son. PLEASE work to get him into a placement where he will be unable to hurt you or anyone else. He NEEDS to learn to make safe choices, and while you are being abused this way you simply cannot change the dynamic enough without a boatload of help, the kind that are there 24/7 to make sure that everyone is safe. Just because he is young does NOT mean he won't do things that have permanent consequences. one of our jobs as parents is to protect our kids from things that have consequences that they won't understand or be able to handle but would hurt them for years and years to come. Stopping this cycle of abuse is one of those things. I am so sorry. I have lived this, and I cannot see ANY way that you can create that loving bond that your son needs with you until he is able to make safe choices. There is time to work on other things like respect once no one is being hurt. Violence cannot be tolerated. it just can't. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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