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difficult child is so selfish
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 208468" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>While I agree in principle with cutting back to bare basics when a child isn't pulling their weight, I don't agree with removing stuff that is already in the child's possession - after all, that isn't what happens to us as adults. If we don't pull our weight and lose our jobs, then we lose our income but what we already own doesn't get taken away. However, we do sometimes have Occupational Therapist (OT) make a choice to sell what we own in order to have money to live on.</p><p></p><p>I also think any punishment needs to be immediate and to also be directly related to the problem. It also shouldn't be punishment, but consequences.</p><p></p><p>What I mean - I will use this as an example.</p><p></p><p>Heather is feeling ghastly, the animals need to be at the very least fed and watered. Who is going to do it? Heather has limited energy. difficult child SAYS she also feels ghastly and has no energy, because she was out having fun. (It's a sort of "me, too" and competition for who has the most right to complain, in difficult child's eyes. Very immature and doesn't do a darn thing to resolve any practical problems).</p><p></p><p>So Heather makes a choice - the animals need to be cared for, so she uses EVERY SCRAP of her energy and ability at the moment to feed them and do what needs to be done. At which point she now has NO energy left to do anything more. The animals' paws can't operate a tin opener; difficult child's hands can.</p><p></p><p>So when difficult child comes and whines that she's hungry and wants dinner, then the response is obvious: "Sorry darling, I'm just too ill. I had only limited energy and I used it all up and then some, taking care of YOUR animals." (Don't over-emphasise the 'your').</p><p></p><p>You would need to follow through, Heather, and just stay in bed. Make it clear that this is serious, you're not just whining (like she is) but you genuinely are too tired to cook dinner because you did too much already.</p><p></p><p>Two possible outcomes - </p><p></p><p>1) she will step up to the plate and cook dinner. Might make a mess, but you have to live with that. The mess isn't to be cleaned by you, either, until you feel better. She needs to see that you don't just wave a magic wand and make things happen, that it is work and you do it because it is a labour of love.</p><p></p><p>OR</p><p></p><p>2) She will whine, throw a tantrum, scream at you for failing to care for her basic needs.</p><p></p><p>Take heart - she cannot starve to death by missing one meal. And if she had helped when you needed it, you wouldn't be too tired to cook her dinner.</p><p></p><p>Consequences. Immediate. Connected to the problem.</p><p></p><p>I think it's got the best chance.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 is like this sometimes; I have walked away rather than engage in it. But whatever you do, try to not show any emotion over it, other than perhaps boredom with her. She does seem to enjoy the drama she can manufacture around herself and you need to avoid feeding it in any way. Instead, deprive her of an audience because you are too tired, feel too ill and have better things to expend your limited energy on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 208468, member: 1991"] While I agree in principle with cutting back to bare basics when a child isn't pulling their weight, I don't agree with removing stuff that is already in the child's possession - after all, that isn't what happens to us as adults. If we don't pull our weight and lose our jobs, then we lose our income but what we already own doesn't get taken away. However, we do sometimes have Occupational Therapist (OT) make a choice to sell what we own in order to have money to live on. I also think any punishment needs to be immediate and to also be directly related to the problem. It also shouldn't be punishment, but consequences. What I mean - I will use this as an example. Heather is feeling ghastly, the animals need to be at the very least fed and watered. Who is going to do it? Heather has limited energy. difficult child SAYS she also feels ghastly and has no energy, because she was out having fun. (It's a sort of "me, too" and competition for who has the most right to complain, in difficult child's eyes. Very immature and doesn't do a darn thing to resolve any practical problems). So Heather makes a choice - the animals need to be cared for, so she uses EVERY SCRAP of her energy and ability at the moment to feed them and do what needs to be done. At which point she now has NO energy left to do anything more. The animals' paws can't operate a tin opener; difficult child's hands can. So when difficult child comes and whines that she's hungry and wants dinner, then the response is obvious: "Sorry darling, I'm just too ill. I had only limited energy and I used it all up and then some, taking care of YOUR animals." (Don't over-emphasise the 'your'). You would need to follow through, Heather, and just stay in bed. Make it clear that this is serious, you're not just whining (like she is) but you genuinely are too tired to cook dinner because you did too much already. Two possible outcomes - 1) she will step up to the plate and cook dinner. Might make a mess, but you have to live with that. The mess isn't to be cleaned by you, either, until you feel better. She needs to see that you don't just wave a magic wand and make things happen, that it is work and you do it because it is a labour of love. OR 2) She will whine, throw a tantrum, scream at you for failing to care for her basic needs. Take heart - she cannot starve to death by missing one meal. And if she had helped when you needed it, you wouldn't be too tired to cook her dinner. Consequences. Immediate. Connected to the problem. I think it's got the best chance. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is like this sometimes; I have walked away rather than engage in it. But whatever you do, try to not show any emotion over it, other than perhaps boredom with her. She does seem to enjoy the drama she can manufacture around herself and you need to avoid feeding it in any way. Instead, deprive her of an audience because you are too tired, feel too ill and have better things to expend your limited energy on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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