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difficult child living with Grandparents?
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<blockquote data-quote="DDD" data-source="post: 327850" data-attributes="member: 35"><p>As a Grandparent who is still raising a easy child/difficult child (now 22) and who raised a younger difficult child for a total (in and out) of eight years my perspective is not necessarily the same as others. GFGmom is not cut out to be a Mom which obviously is different from your situation. You did your best with your difficult child and you are successfuly parenting the other children.</p><p> </p><p>Often I read that Grandparents are severe enablers and I don't necessarily agree with that label. I am not saying in your case that is not true but I am saying I don't support the idea that enabling is the big difference. Here are some of the reasons why. (1) You were raised by the same couple and you turned out with fine values. (2) Each of us is "different" as we slide along the age scale. I, for example, as a young Mother wanted and also expected my children to be as close to perfect as I could imagine. By my thirties I had chilled quite a bit and was thankful for what was good and began to accept that each of the kids was different in nature from each other <strong>and </strong>different than their cousins and family friends. As I moved into my forties etc. my perceptions of them and of myself evolved to another place. (3) Some kids are more successful when they have less stress & don't have the chaos of siblings to cope with. (4) Most grandparents have learned alot about parenting as a result of having traveled the road before. (5) I have never met grandparents who eager to give up the perks of aging to retravel the old road. There is sacrafice involved...mostly the loss of peace of mind that comes from only worrying about what to wear for card night or when the early bird specials take place or which cruise might best suit them.</p><p> </p><p>on the other hand the parents of a difficult child out of the home naturally have some issues with "someone else" parenting their child or children. It is not how the Norman Rockwell pictures depict. The parents suffer two major losses. They "lose" their child and they "lose" the comfortable give and take that comes with having parents alive and well to share fun times with. My husband and I have, in many ways, "lost" our other children/grandchildren as a result of parenting the boys. We have "lost" our connection with peers as our life is not typical for seniors.</p><p> </p><p>From both sides of the equation there are important emotional loses that are endured. I may not be impartial on this subject <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/redface.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":redface:" title="redface :redface:" data-shortname=":redface:" /> but I really think there can only be one Captain. Ideally parents/grandparents have the same basic values and there is no reason for conflict. If you believe that a particular choice is not in the best interests of your child you will be able to share that with your parents in a non-confrontational way.</p><p> </p><p>I believe your feelings are understandable. I relate to your parents too. difficult child's are called difficult child's because they are difficult to raise for anyone. You and your husband are fortunate that you did not have to remain in chaos and you didn't have to seek an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that would mortgage your home to the max or turn your child over to "the system" which rarely helps in the long run.</p><p>Hugs. DDD</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DDD, post: 327850, member: 35"] As a Grandparent who is still raising a easy child/difficult child (now 22) and who raised a younger difficult child for a total (in and out) of eight years my perspective is not necessarily the same as others. GFGmom is not cut out to be a Mom which obviously is different from your situation. You did your best with your difficult child and you are successfuly parenting the other children. Often I read that Grandparents are severe enablers and I don't necessarily agree with that label. I am not saying in your case that is not true but I am saying I don't support the idea that enabling is the big difference. Here are some of the reasons why. (1) You were raised by the same couple and you turned out with fine values. (2) Each of us is "different" as we slide along the age scale. I, for example, as a young Mother wanted and also expected my children to be as close to perfect as I could imagine. By my thirties I had chilled quite a bit and was thankful for what was good and began to accept that each of the kids was different in nature from each other [B]and [/B]different than their cousins and family friends. As I moved into my forties etc. my perceptions of them and of myself evolved to another place. (3) Some kids are more successful when they have less stress & don't have the chaos of siblings to cope with. (4) Most grandparents have learned alot about parenting as a result of having traveled the road before. (5) I have never met grandparents who eager to give up the perks of aging to retravel the old road. There is sacrafice involved...mostly the loss of peace of mind that comes from only worrying about what to wear for card night or when the early bird specials take place or which cruise might best suit them. on the other hand the parents of a difficult child out of the home naturally have some issues with "someone else" parenting their child or children. It is not how the Norman Rockwell pictures depict. The parents suffer two major losses. They "lose" their child and they "lose" the comfortable give and take that comes with having parents alive and well to share fun times with. My husband and I have, in many ways, "lost" our other children/grandchildren as a result of parenting the boys. We have "lost" our connection with peers as our life is not typical for seniors. From both sides of the equation there are important emotional loses that are endured. I may not be impartial on this subject :blushing: but I really think there can only be one Captain. Ideally parents/grandparents have the same basic values and there is no reason for conflict. If you believe that a particular choice is not in the best interests of your child you will be able to share that with your parents in a non-confrontational way. I believe your feelings are understandable. I relate to your parents too. difficult child's are called difficult child's because they are difficult to raise for anyone. You and your husband are fortunate that you did not have to remain in chaos and you didn't have to seek an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that would mortgage your home to the max or turn your child over to "the system" which rarely helps in the long run. Hugs. DDD [/QUOTE]
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