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Parent Emeritus
difficult child logic (illogic) and difficult child threats...tired of it.
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 590706" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>To all the great insights you have received from the others of us, I would add this: Though your son is an adult, it seems to me that in his mind, you are still the magical mother. He loves and trusts you, or he would not share his uncensored self with you. If you were to reply honestly to him, just as you would have had he indulged in this kind of behavior toward you as a child, I think he will take your words to heart. He needs you to love him, and to teach him a better way. You know intuitively how to help him do this. Setting boundaries by telling him the way he phrases his communications is hurting you might be a good place to start, I think. Just say that, and let him think it over on his own. Sometimes, our sons don't think we CAN be hurt by what they say, because they know they love us and don't mean it. Your goal is not to punish him, or to keep him from you or to stop contact with him. Your goal is to help him see a better way to express himself without blaming others for his understandable frustration with his situation.</p><p></p><p>Blah, blah, blah. Too many big words. :O) I know you will get the general drift of what I am trying to say.</p><p></p><p>My son is the same way. It's almost like he still needs me to say, "I don't think that is what you mean." or "This must be so frustrating for you."</p><p></p><p>Or even, "I know you will figure this one out, honey." Or, "Boy, that must be tough."</p><p></p><p>That kind of thing.</p><p></p><p>But if you could hear what comes out of his mouth sometimes? You wouldn't believe it.</p><p> </p><p>Here is a for instance. This morning, I was talking to my son. He was starting to be angry about something to do with work. Here is what I said (pretty much). "Well, you're going to have to get this all taken care of pretty quickly, honey. You need to be up and running so you can help your sister."</p><p></p><p>Sounds goofy, right?</p><p></p><p>But it changed his mental gears from anger / blaming to seeing himself as someone others can depend on.</p><p></p><p>I didn't hear another word about work.</p><p></p><p>Is this son of yours really bright, and very funny, as well?</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 590706, member: 1721"] To all the great insights you have received from the others of us, I would add this: Though your son is an adult, it seems to me that in his mind, you are still the magical mother. He loves and trusts you, or he would not share his uncensored self with you. If you were to reply honestly to him, just as you would have had he indulged in this kind of behavior toward you as a child, I think he will take your words to heart. He needs you to love him, and to teach him a better way. You know intuitively how to help him do this. Setting boundaries by telling him the way he phrases his communications is hurting you might be a good place to start, I think. Just say that, and let him think it over on his own. Sometimes, our sons don't think we CAN be hurt by what they say, because they know they love us and don't mean it. Your goal is not to punish him, or to keep him from you or to stop contact with him. Your goal is to help him see a better way to express himself without blaming others for his understandable frustration with his situation. Blah, blah, blah. Too many big words. :O) I know you will get the general drift of what I am trying to say. My son is the same way. It's almost like he still needs me to say, "I don't think that is what you mean." or "This must be so frustrating for you." Or even, "I know you will figure this one out, honey." Or, "Boy, that must be tough." That kind of thing. But if you could hear what comes out of his mouth sometimes? You wouldn't believe it. Here is a for instance. This morning, I was talking to my son. He was starting to be angry about something to do with work. Here is what I said (pretty much). "Well, you're going to have to get this all taken care of pretty quickly, honey. You need to be up and running so you can help your sister." Sounds goofy, right? But it changed his mental gears from anger / blaming to seeing himself as someone others can depend on. I didn't hear another word about work. Is this son of yours really bright, and very funny, as well? Barbara [/QUOTE]
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difficult child logic (illogic) and difficult child threats...tired of it.
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