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difficult child missing more school
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 561771" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I see a pattern here that i don't point out to be offensive so I hope you don't see it as such. Truly I mean this to be helpful from one parent of a difficult child who was resistant to school to another. In many posts, you clearly see the problem and you clearly want to improve them. I can always see how passionate you are about what to do and wanting to get it right. I also however see a distinct pattern of fear in your posts and lack of confidence to make the clear steps you know you need to try. Fear of your ex's threats. Fear f your mothers judgement. Fear of losing what support you do have (breaks from kids to ex, your moms help with kids ). Fear of jail over school issues. Etc. I do get it. Most in your situation would be worried about all of the above. I know I would be. The thing is, valid as they are as concerns, you need to move on and take steps regardless of them. And maybe you will lose some avenues of support. Hopefully not but always possible. The thing is, fear of taking the perceived wrong steps are stalling you from taking steps. And your life in your family and home isn't working for you. Certainly your difficult child is going through major issues too. Therefore you have to do something (probably a combo of many things) different or it can't be expected that things will improve. In fact they will get worse and gosh knows you need improvement in your quality of life rather than increase in problems to juggle. </p><p></p><p>First, these messages your ex gives your kids? He is getting away with them. At best you can do damage control with kids. But avoiding him on it? Prolongs the damage. Damage control means damage is already done. You need to find your parenting confidence and recognize your value as a caring mom. And push the fear aside long enough to plant your ex in his place. Call his bluff. Refuse to permit those messages to the kids on basis it is harmful to their emotional help. been there done that with my easy child. Your kids shouldn't be hearing this garbage from ex. However they need to see you stand up to him and tell him no more. And that he has been told by you to pee or get off the threat pot. State clearly his accusations have no merit and he will not control you with threats anymore. Tell him to stuff it or take it to a judge because you're not at all worried about a court. Make it known to the kids ignore those messages from dad. They are secure with you and not to worry about this. Especially in early teens, emotions rule and your difficult child sees you afraid of ex's threats and then also fears them. Face those fears with them and via a united from to ex that you are the custodial parent and kids are going nowhere. Period. </p><p></p><p>School issues? Don't fear jail. Fear continued school failure with no avenues to address it. Embrace the telephone. Bus time or drop off time comes and no difficult child ready? Call principal and tell them she is refusing for xyz bs reason and ask advice. Chart the call. Take any ideas given by school and try them. Document every single time. Make difficult child sign a school contract with enforceable consequences. Ensure you enforce consequences as at first you likely will need to often. The school will not be legally after you when it is obvious you are never making excuses and you are calling every single time. Period. If it conflicts with work, explain to school principal and teachers and guidance counsellor and truant officer that it may only be on work lunch that you can call. That inability to call at opening bell each absent day is no reflection of shirking desire to force difficult child to school. Merely a inability due to work personal calls and inability to risk daily personal calls. </p><p></p><p>As for your mom, she isn't likely to be as invested in this struggling process to change things around. Maybe you will luck out there. But if not, he disapproved often anyhow. Or at least it seems as such from posts. Let her. Oh well. Her inability to see your vision and reasoning is no reason to not do what works best to help you and the kids move into a more structured and more connected relationship. And is no reason to not insist on boundaries for difficult child. She also shouldn't be able to allow difficult child to negotiate school attendance issues with difficult child. That is your job. And mom should back off. </p><p></p><p>You're a good mom with realistic wants and needs. You are clearly invested in wanting more for you and your kids in terms of emotion health. I think it's time you do a complete 180. No more apologetic parenting decisions. No freezing from fears. You got this. You really do. I know it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 561771, member: 4264"] I see a pattern here that i don't point out to be offensive so I hope you don't see it as such. Truly I mean this to be helpful from one parent of a difficult child who was resistant to school to another. In many posts, you clearly see the problem and you clearly want to improve them. I can always see how passionate you are about what to do and wanting to get it right. I also however see a distinct pattern of fear in your posts and lack of confidence to make the clear steps you know you need to try. Fear of your ex's threats. Fear f your mothers judgement. Fear of losing what support you do have (breaks from kids to ex, your moms help with kids ). Fear of jail over school issues. Etc. I do get it. Most in your situation would be worried about all of the above. I know I would be. The thing is, valid as they are as concerns, you need to move on and take steps regardless of them. And maybe you will lose some avenues of support. Hopefully not but always possible. The thing is, fear of taking the perceived wrong steps are stalling you from taking steps. And your life in your family and home isn't working for you. Certainly your difficult child is going through major issues too. Therefore you have to do something (probably a combo of many things) different or it can't be expected that things will improve. In fact they will get worse and gosh knows you need improvement in your quality of life rather than increase in problems to juggle. First, these messages your ex gives your kids? He is getting away with them. At best you can do damage control with kids. But avoiding him on it? Prolongs the damage. Damage control means damage is already done. You need to find your parenting confidence and recognize your value as a caring mom. And push the fear aside long enough to plant your ex in his place. Call his bluff. Refuse to permit those messages to the kids on basis it is harmful to their emotional help. been there done that with my easy child. Your kids shouldn't be hearing this garbage from ex. However they need to see you stand up to him and tell him no more. And that he has been told by you to pee or get off the threat pot. State clearly his accusations have no merit and he will not control you with threats anymore. Tell him to stuff it or take it to a judge because you're not at all worried about a court. Make it known to the kids ignore those messages from dad. They are secure with you and not to worry about this. Especially in early teens, emotions rule and your difficult child sees you afraid of ex's threats and then also fears them. Face those fears with them and via a united from to ex that you are the custodial parent and kids are going nowhere. Period. School issues? Don't fear jail. Fear continued school failure with no avenues to address it. Embrace the telephone. Bus time or drop off time comes and no difficult child ready? Call principal and tell them she is refusing for xyz bs reason and ask advice. Chart the call. Take any ideas given by school and try them. Document every single time. Make difficult child sign a school contract with enforceable consequences. Ensure you enforce consequences as at first you likely will need to often. The school will not be legally after you when it is obvious you are never making excuses and you are calling every single time. Period. If it conflicts with work, explain to school principal and teachers and guidance counsellor and truant officer that it may only be on work lunch that you can call. That inability to call at opening bell each absent day is no reflection of shirking desire to force difficult child to school. Merely a inability due to work personal calls and inability to risk daily personal calls. As for your mom, she isn't likely to be as invested in this struggling process to change things around. Maybe you will luck out there. But if not, he disapproved often anyhow. Or at least it seems as such from posts. Let her. Oh well. Her inability to see your vision and reasoning is no reason to not do what works best to help you and the kids move into a more structured and more connected relationship. And is no reason to not insist on boundaries for difficult child. She also shouldn't be able to allow difficult child to negotiate school attendance issues with difficult child. That is your job. And mom should back off. You're a good mom with realistic wants and needs. You are clearly invested in wanting more for you and your kids in terms of emotion health. I think it's time you do a complete 180. No more apologetic parenting decisions. No freezing from fears. You got this. You really do. I know it. [/QUOTE]
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