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difficult child on self destruct
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 158983" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dear Staying Strong, </p><p> </p><p>I like your name, it says a lot about you. And that leads me to my next point. Wouldn't it BE nice if there WERE just that one all encompassing answer regarding someone we love who is an addict, alcoholic and self-destructive? I prayed so hard every day that "it" would skip a generation and at least allow my very dysfunctional son an advantage his biofather never chose to have - sobriety. And that's just the point - it is a choice. I've talked to folks from all walks of life from career homeless people who choose to be on the streets, to senators who because of their affluence feel they have better control over the situation. Drug abuse and alcoholism don't choose you, you choose it. So if it's understood that this IS truly something they choose to do - it's easier to understand they have a choice to stop. </p><p> </p><p>Alcoholism and addiction rarely run alone. In asmuch as the majority of people who drink and do drugs also are suffering from some form of mental illness or lack or self-worth. In all the years I've had to deal with these afflictions I have yet to run across anyone that truly meant it when they said "I want to be this way." But keep in mind - while it's a battle to stop and be sober - it's still a choice. </p><p> </p><p>You say that if you put your daughter out she would have no where to go. That's the same truth I told myself when I wanted my son and his behaviors out of the house. In reality there are places to go - but what was really going on for me was knowing if he were home, despite all the hell he created - I knew where he was and thought I could prevent some of the really awful things that I knew would happen if I didn't at least keep one eye on him and one hand out to support him. And then there was the overwhelming guilt in the back of my mind that this in some way had to be MY fault - I didn't parent him right, I forgot something and to cut him loose would only say to him - I dont' care about you any more. I spent so many nights thinking that - or standing in the hall watching him sleep; thinking - HOW can something I love and that is SO precious be so self-destructive? And mine doesn't do drugs or drink. I had 13 years of that with his suicidal, alcoholic, drug-riddled, womanizing, abusive and torturous true-psychopathic bio father. Ask me if I would do it again with my son - and most people who know me even after counseling said - sure she would. She's nuts. </p><p> </p><p>Well I'm not nuts, I love my kid. I don't have any other children that are having to watch what he was doing - only the dogs and a dear fiance (DF) who has the patience of Job and then some. But eventually everything comes to an end and you have to choose - a life with peace, OR a life alone with a kid who I belive if I put out will a. NEVER forgive me b. probably end up dead without my eyes on him c. the fact that if he dies will I know it's not my fault and not live the rest of my days with guilt. </p><p> </p><p>Staying Strong - I love my son more than I could ever tell anyone and when push came to shove and his behaviors were so outrageous I did find a place for him to go. See from the stress, I thought I had a heart attack, but it was actually a stroke. I stroked out on stress, and what made me realize that I am not indestructable was the fact that while things were going on around me - I was helpless. At 43 - I laid there not able to do anything for myself and was trying to figure out if I should start to accept my life as a blob - or if I were goign to get out of this mess and have a chance to stand, change my clothes, walk - work - Oh gosh - If I can work - what happens to DF (he's disabled) my house, my stuff. My mom is 72 - she'd be taking care of ME??? and the thoughts like that just kept coming. </p><p> </p><p>That day - I stopped saving my son from himself. I would still step in and help /assist because of him mental capacity, but it occurred to me that if he killed me from stress or rather if I ALLOWED him to kill me from stress - I wouldnt' be there to watch over him anyway - and that brought a bigger question - WHO WOULD.???? He'd have to fend for himself. How would that go? Could he do it? How would he live? Would it make him grow up? Would it make him give up? And the sad reality of ALL those questions IS - YOU CAN NOT PREDICT what ANYONE ELSE will do with THEIR life. </p><p> </p><p>And the advice you have gotten here - is good advice. Hearing it, reading it is hard I know. Seeing someone you never spoke with tell you to put your daughter out - is really hard advice. But the experience here speaks for itself. I love the idea of making a condition of her living at home going to a domestic violence shelter for counseling - (Way To Go Lisa) and she is probably in denial about her boyfriend's death. For which I am sorry. No parent should loose a child on Mother's Day especially. My heart goes out to his Mom. I'm sure she's hurting. </p><p> </p><p>If you are not comfortable with just packing a bag and putting her out - that's okay for now. But DO take the time and look into options that CAN be a benefit to your family. Want to see an interesting post? Ask the memebers of this board who are SIBLINGS of a person like your daughter (difficult child) HOW they felt growing up and get a birds eye view of what your other kids are going through because of her behaviors and how it takes YOUR time away from them. They aren't just allowing you to use their time to deal with her problems - you're taking it without asking. </p><p> </p><p>I also didn't just packa bag and put my kid on the road. I found a group home that took him and when that was found to be a horrible place - we found a TFF Therapeutic Foster Family. It almost sounds like she would benefit from having a psychiatrist and psychiatric. evaluation. I think the womens DV shelter is a good place to start. </p><p> </p><p>As for you? You need to recharge your batteries - there was also a good suggestion for Alanon - Go to that - go to AA, go to NA meetings - go to everyone you can go to and LISTEN to these people - they'll tell you what I've told you is true - about the choices. They'll also tell you what you've been told here, in finding a way to put her out. It may be the best thing you EVER EVER do for her. If no one is around to save her - she may being to grow up and make better choices. </p><p> </p><p>They also tend to run through friends or so called friends and their parents rather quickly and soon discover grim realities that if you do not work - you do not have money. If you have no money - you have no booze, drugs or food. And while you may have friends that will share for a while - eventually your "friends" won't share their dope or booze and you either end up getting a job so you have money or you do without a LOT of things you had when you're parents took care of you. Then once you work - you realize this is hard - and hopefully dont' want to spend money on drugs - </p><p> </p><p>In a perfect world it would all go down like that but there is truth in a lot of that. There is also the reality that she wouldn't work, run through her friends and just find "new" friends and continue her lifestyle. In which case - honestly there is NOTHING you can do. I had even said at one time with as bad off as my x was - if we caught him - and put him on an island and let him stay there 5 years - he'd detox and start thinking rationally - and someone else said - no....he'd find a way to get high off of coconut hulls and be content to do nothing. And with THAT - I thought - you know - if I went through all THAT trouble - to put him in a deserted island rehab and he still got high? Wouldn't that be it? And then it hit me - what about all the other things I did to help him? </p><p> </p><p>Something to think about for sure.......</p><p> </p><p>Hugs to you and your daughter. Sounds like she's got some really hard lessons ahead of her before she chooses to straighten out. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 158983, member: 4964"] Dear Staying Strong, I like your name, it says a lot about you. And that leads me to my next point. Wouldn't it BE nice if there WERE just that one all encompassing answer regarding someone we love who is an addict, alcoholic and self-destructive? I prayed so hard every day that "it" would skip a generation and at least allow my very dysfunctional son an advantage his biofather never chose to have - sobriety. And that's just the point - it is a choice. I've talked to folks from all walks of life from career homeless people who choose to be on the streets, to senators who because of their affluence feel they have better control over the situation. Drug abuse and alcoholism don't choose you, you choose it. So if it's understood that this IS truly something they choose to do - it's easier to understand they have a choice to stop. Alcoholism and addiction rarely run alone. In asmuch as the majority of people who drink and do drugs also are suffering from some form of mental illness or lack or self-worth. In all the years I've had to deal with these afflictions I have yet to run across anyone that truly meant it when they said "I want to be this way." But keep in mind - while it's a battle to stop and be sober - it's still a choice. You say that if you put your daughter out she would have no where to go. That's the same truth I told myself when I wanted my son and his behaviors out of the house. In reality there are places to go - but what was really going on for me was knowing if he were home, despite all the hell he created - I knew where he was and thought I could prevent some of the really awful things that I knew would happen if I didn't at least keep one eye on him and one hand out to support him. And then there was the overwhelming guilt in the back of my mind that this in some way had to be MY fault - I didn't parent him right, I forgot something and to cut him loose would only say to him - I dont' care about you any more. I spent so many nights thinking that - or standing in the hall watching him sleep; thinking - HOW can something I love and that is SO precious be so self-destructive? And mine doesn't do drugs or drink. I had 13 years of that with his suicidal, alcoholic, drug-riddled, womanizing, abusive and torturous true-psychopathic bio father. Ask me if I would do it again with my son - and most people who know me even after counseling said - sure she would. She's nuts. Well I'm not nuts, I love my kid. I don't have any other children that are having to watch what he was doing - only the dogs and a dear fiance (DF) who has the patience of Job and then some. But eventually everything comes to an end and you have to choose - a life with peace, OR a life alone with a kid who I belive if I put out will a. NEVER forgive me b. probably end up dead without my eyes on him c. the fact that if he dies will I know it's not my fault and not live the rest of my days with guilt. Staying Strong - I love my son more than I could ever tell anyone and when push came to shove and his behaviors were so outrageous I did find a place for him to go. See from the stress, I thought I had a heart attack, but it was actually a stroke. I stroked out on stress, and what made me realize that I am not indestructable was the fact that while things were going on around me - I was helpless. At 43 - I laid there not able to do anything for myself and was trying to figure out if I should start to accept my life as a blob - or if I were goign to get out of this mess and have a chance to stand, change my clothes, walk - work - Oh gosh - If I can work - what happens to DF (he's disabled) my house, my stuff. My mom is 72 - she'd be taking care of ME??? and the thoughts like that just kept coming. That day - I stopped saving my son from himself. I would still step in and help /assist because of him mental capacity, but it occurred to me that if he killed me from stress or rather if I ALLOWED him to kill me from stress - I wouldnt' be there to watch over him anyway - and that brought a bigger question - WHO WOULD.???? He'd have to fend for himself. How would that go? Could he do it? How would he live? Would it make him grow up? Would it make him give up? And the sad reality of ALL those questions IS - YOU CAN NOT PREDICT what ANYONE ELSE will do with THEIR life. And the advice you have gotten here - is good advice. Hearing it, reading it is hard I know. Seeing someone you never spoke with tell you to put your daughter out - is really hard advice. But the experience here speaks for itself. I love the idea of making a condition of her living at home going to a domestic violence shelter for counseling - (Way To Go Lisa) and she is probably in denial about her boyfriend's death. For which I am sorry. No parent should loose a child on Mother's Day especially. My heart goes out to his Mom. I'm sure she's hurting. If you are not comfortable with just packing a bag and putting her out - that's okay for now. But DO take the time and look into options that CAN be a benefit to your family. Want to see an interesting post? Ask the memebers of this board who are SIBLINGS of a person like your daughter (difficult child) HOW they felt growing up and get a birds eye view of what your other kids are going through because of her behaviors and how it takes YOUR time away from them. They aren't just allowing you to use their time to deal with her problems - you're taking it without asking. I also didn't just packa bag and put my kid on the road. I found a group home that took him and when that was found to be a horrible place - we found a TFF Therapeutic Foster Family. It almost sounds like she would benefit from having a psychiatrist and psychiatric. evaluation. I think the womens DV shelter is a good place to start. As for you? You need to recharge your batteries - there was also a good suggestion for Alanon - Go to that - go to AA, go to NA meetings - go to everyone you can go to and LISTEN to these people - they'll tell you what I've told you is true - about the choices. They'll also tell you what you've been told here, in finding a way to put her out. It may be the best thing you EVER EVER do for her. If no one is around to save her - she may being to grow up and make better choices. They also tend to run through friends or so called friends and their parents rather quickly and soon discover grim realities that if you do not work - you do not have money. If you have no money - you have no booze, drugs or food. And while you may have friends that will share for a while - eventually your "friends" won't share their dope or booze and you either end up getting a job so you have money or you do without a LOT of things you had when you're parents took care of you. Then once you work - you realize this is hard - and hopefully dont' want to spend money on drugs - In a perfect world it would all go down like that but there is truth in a lot of that. There is also the reality that she wouldn't work, run through her friends and just find "new" friends and continue her lifestyle. In which case - honestly there is NOTHING you can do. I had even said at one time with as bad off as my x was - if we caught him - and put him on an island and let him stay there 5 years - he'd detox and start thinking rationally - and someone else said - no....he'd find a way to get high off of coconut hulls and be content to do nothing. And with THAT - I thought - you know - if I went through all THAT trouble - to put him in a deserted island rehab and he still got high? Wouldn't that be it? And then it hit me - what about all the other things I did to help him? Something to think about for sure....... Hugs to you and your daughter. Sounds like she's got some really hard lessons ahead of her before she chooses to straighten out. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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