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difficult child on self destruct
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<blockquote data-quote="stayingstrong" data-source="post: 159005" data-attributes="member: 5343"><p>difficult child had been out of the home until about a month ago when she finally decided to leave the boyfriend, again! repetative cycle... this time for good, she told him so just 4 days b4 he died. I let her move back because she was clean and had a job and was trying to help herself..... Now this as happended and she has lost her job, (starts new one this week, I hope), and is back to doing God knows what, I cannot get her to talk....But I have not seen the personallity changes like when she was heavily using. But there have been changes, not sure if it is from grief, denial avoidance or anger.</p><p> </p><p>We have made a condition of her staying here that she has to submit to a drug test anytime we request (but she has only been here about 2 hours since the funeral 5/16). Adding that she attend some type of DV counseling does sound like a great idea. My wonderful and supportive husband of 10 yrs and I both know about addiction(family members, ex-husband) and realize she has to help herself on that aspect. Her self esteem is in the toilet, especially since her accidents, (all effected the face). She is still a beautiful young women that has great potential. And deserves wonderful things in life. I know that that is no longer my responsibiilty to make her realize that. she has to do that on her own.</p><p> </p><p>I also have the guilt thing that Star mentioned. Was it something I failed to do. is it my fault that I made poor choices with my ex-husband and her bio. I realize that that line of thought is useless, however it just keeps popping up. </p><p> </p><p>Just a little background.... I got pregnant at 17, difficult child's bio was 24, an addict / alcoholic / real bad temper, and has never been around. She has not seen him since she was 7 and that was only for an hour. Prior to that she was 18 months. I raised her alone.</p><p>I met what I thought was a great guy, seemed to treat both of us good..... We got married, he wanted the title of DAD, gave me a easy child that is now 16 years old and a great kid....It turned out ex-husband was an addict / alcoholic / control freak (never physically abusive). we divorced, he persude custody of the easy child only. To my difficult child, he abandoned her (age 7)she was not worth his time.. He told her she could not call him DAD anymore....At 7 years old.....he was the only dad dhe knew......He did get better for a while with visits, then, disapeared for about 2 years. (he is now sober since 7/07 and is trying to be a better dad to both) She has seriouse abandonment issues because of this. We had our difficult child and easy child in counseling after the divorce to cope with that. </p><p>We have had her at a Drug and MH center for evaluation (just before Juv Difficult Child)and the doctor told me that she needed to have a close eye kept on her,...... If I put her out, then mom has now abandonded her, the only person in her life she could always count on the only one that has ALWAYS been there. I see her standing on the edge of a cliff and ready to fall. I just want to be able to pull he back a few steps, not push her over. </p><p> </p><p>But I totally agree that this is not fair to my husband or my easy child, or ME This is taking away from all of us. And I am ready to melt down...... I am lucky that I have a job that is flexible or I would have lost it by now...( last 3 years have been a nightmare)</p><p> </p><p>So I guess the thing with putting her out is not really that she has no where to go (she has slept here 1 night in 2 weeks), I am afraid that this will be the push over the edge, thinking the only stable in her life has now abandoned her too.....I know it is not abandonment, but will she?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="stayingstrong, post: 159005, member: 5343"] difficult child had been out of the home until about a month ago when she finally decided to leave the boyfriend, again! repetative cycle... this time for good, she told him so just 4 days b4 he died. I let her move back because she was clean and had a job and was trying to help herself..... Now this as happended and she has lost her job, (starts new one this week, I hope), and is back to doing God knows what, I cannot get her to talk....But I have not seen the personallity changes like when she was heavily using. But there have been changes, not sure if it is from grief, denial avoidance or anger. We have made a condition of her staying here that she has to submit to a drug test anytime we request (but she has only been here about 2 hours since the funeral 5/16). Adding that she attend some type of DV counseling does sound like a great idea. My wonderful and supportive husband of 10 yrs and I both know about addiction(family members, ex-husband) and realize she has to help herself on that aspect. Her self esteem is in the toilet, especially since her accidents, (all effected the face). She is still a beautiful young women that has great potential. And deserves wonderful things in life. I know that that is no longer my responsibiilty to make her realize that. she has to do that on her own. I also have the guilt thing that Star mentioned. Was it something I failed to do. is it my fault that I made poor choices with my ex-husband and her bio. I realize that that line of thought is useless, however it just keeps popping up. Just a little background.... I got pregnant at 17, difficult child's bio was 24, an addict / alcoholic / real bad temper, and has never been around. She has not seen him since she was 7 and that was only for an hour. Prior to that she was 18 months. I raised her alone. I met what I thought was a great guy, seemed to treat both of us good..... We got married, he wanted the title of DAD, gave me a easy child that is now 16 years old and a great kid....It turned out ex-husband was an addict / alcoholic / control freak (never physically abusive). we divorced, he persude custody of the easy child only. To my difficult child, he abandoned her (age 7)she was not worth his time.. He told her she could not call him DAD anymore....At 7 years old.....he was the only dad dhe knew......He did get better for a while with visits, then, disapeared for about 2 years. (he is now sober since 7/07 and is trying to be a better dad to both) She has seriouse abandonment issues because of this. We had our difficult child and easy child in counseling after the divorce to cope with that. We have had her at a Drug and MH center for evaluation (just before Juv Difficult Child)and the doctor told me that she needed to have a close eye kept on her,...... If I put her out, then mom has now abandonded her, the only person in her life she could always count on the only one that has ALWAYS been there. I see her standing on the edge of a cliff and ready to fall. I just want to be able to pull he back a few steps, not push her over. But I totally agree that this is not fair to my husband or my easy child, or ME This is taking away from all of us. And I am ready to melt down...... I am lucky that I have a job that is flexible or I would have lost it by now...( last 3 years have been a nightmare) So I guess the thing with putting her out is not really that she has no where to go (she has slept here 1 night in 2 weeks), I am afraid that this will be the push over the edge, thinking the only stable in her life has now abandoned her too.....I know it is not abandonment, but will she? [/QUOTE]
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