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difficult child Starting the Substance Abuse Path
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 627819" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>MWM - I would benefit a lot from some face-to-face support. I am looking into that. Unfortunately, there are no NA family support groups nearby. Maybe a private therapist would be a good thing.</p><p></p><p>I have come to the realization that it is very unlikely JT will ever truly change. Maybe it's possible, but I do believe it is unlikely. He has always been this way, from day 1. All of these years of our lives giving and trying SO hard to help him, and this is what he does with the amazing gifts and talents he has and love and support he has received. It's sickening. At least we have recognized it now and can move forward with making healthier choices for ourselves. I am having the most difficulty coping with the following:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Hopelessness and related depression and grief.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Concerns about how JT may continue to cause himself and us stress and trouble, i.e. showing up on our doorstep or in jail or dead.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">The effects on Bubby of JT's behaviors. </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Judgment - Both our own guilt and that placed on us by others, i.e. we were too easy or too hard on JT or whatever; the gloating parents of PCs that get to feel proud and enjoy their wonderful children, while we hurt and they think they are so much better parents than us. I feel so alone and so ashamed of everything happening with JT. </li> </ul><p></p><p>C. Jane - Thank you. I am glad to hear your difficult child seemed to mature and improve. That is hopeful. I agree completely that JT is developmentally a much younger age than his actual age, despite his high intelligence level. But, unfortunately, in his case, these traits have been present his entire life, even as a toddler. It was like having a teenager throughout his whole childhood. He never really outgrew the terrible twos or stubborn threes. About 4% of the population is sociopathic, and the percentage is higher for adoptive children who suffered abuse and neglect, especially. JT has classic symptoms, and at the very least, his conscience is very underdeveloped. This serves him well in using others while leaving those around him devastated. I feel hopeless because there doesn't seem to be an end in sight to this mess.</p><p></p><p>MWM - You're right about the Al-Anon thing. I don't know what they could say, but we have learned that setting proper boundaries are super important, and finding some practical ways to apply that knowledge would be helpful. I understand why they do not give advice, because advice can translate into judgment so easily, and then, that would undermine the purpose of the support setting in the first place. I think the mentor/sponsor thing would be helpful, and they have offered that.</p><p></p><p>COM - Thank you! I will go to meetings. I am a communicator, and I desperately need some in-person help. Our family is not knowledgeable about this or really equipped to completely understand the scope of the problem and how affected we are. We don't have many friends as a result of having such an extreme parenting responsibility all these years. This has taken a heavy emotional and physical toll over the years.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 627819, member: 4855"] MWM - I would benefit a lot from some face-to-face support. I am looking into that. Unfortunately, there are no NA family support groups nearby. Maybe a private therapist would be a good thing. I have come to the realization that it is very unlikely JT will ever truly change. Maybe it's possible, but I do believe it is unlikely. He has always been this way, from day 1. All of these years of our lives giving and trying SO hard to help him, and this is what he does with the amazing gifts and talents he has and love and support he has received. It's sickening. At least we have recognized it now and can move forward with making healthier choices for ourselves. I am having the most difficulty coping with the following: [LIST] [*]Hopelessness and related depression and grief. [*]Concerns about how JT may continue to cause himself and us stress and trouble, i.e. showing up on our doorstep or in jail or dead. [*]The effects on Bubby of JT's behaviors. [*]Judgment - Both our own guilt and that placed on us by others, i.e. we were too easy or too hard on JT or whatever; the gloating parents of PCs that get to feel proud and enjoy their wonderful children, while we hurt and they think they are so much better parents than us. I feel so alone and so ashamed of everything happening with JT. [/LIST] C. Jane - Thank you. I am glad to hear your difficult child seemed to mature and improve. That is hopeful. I agree completely that JT is developmentally a much younger age than his actual age, despite his high intelligence level. But, unfortunately, in his case, these traits have been present his entire life, even as a toddler. It was like having a teenager throughout his whole childhood. He never really outgrew the terrible twos or stubborn threes. About 4% of the population is sociopathic, and the percentage is higher for adoptive children who suffered abuse and neglect, especially. JT has classic symptoms, and at the very least, his conscience is very underdeveloped. This serves him well in using others while leaving those around him devastated. I feel hopeless because there doesn't seem to be an end in sight to this mess. MWM - You're right about the Al-Anon thing. I don't know what they could say, but we have learned that setting proper boundaries are super important, and finding some practical ways to apply that knowledge would be helpful. I understand why they do not give advice, because advice can translate into judgment so easily, and then, that would undermine the purpose of the support setting in the first place. I think the mentor/sponsor thing would be helpful, and they have offered that. COM - Thank you! I will go to meetings. I am a communicator, and I desperately need some in-person help. Our family is not knowledgeable about this or really equipped to completely understand the scope of the problem and how affected we are. We don't have many friends as a result of having such an extreme parenting responsibility all these years. This has taken a heavy emotional and physical toll over the years. [/QUOTE]
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