I think we would love to get to a final place with this. Make a "final" decision. I'm either going to.....or not. Black and white. Yes or no. In or out.
And so okay, maybe that is an option.
But i think it is more likely that because we are human, and they are human, and they are our children (no matter how old they are), we have to live this journey---this particular part of our journey---one day at a time.
Maybe, for periods, we go no contact. Then we try something again, in hopes of a new start. Then we set new boundaries.
Personally, I have been to a place where I just wanted and needed some clear lines in the sand. And I may need that again.
But again, I think it is more likely that we, most of us, are in a boat, moving across a lake, with all of its swells and waves and calm periods, and it is really okay, even preferable, just to ride the water and make our navigation decisions one day at a time.
It is okay to try something new, and after a while, conclude that it didn't work, or at least it didn't work the way we hoped it would.
We can't know the future. We can't know what is in our difficult children' minds and hearts and when that rock bottom will happen and when that spiritual awakening will happen and who may come alongside them and for the first time, they really hear that there is a different way of living.
We can't know.
It is humbling to realize all of this. It is getting-down-on-my-knees-humbling to let the boat rock along, not knowing, living with uncertainty, trusting a higher power than myself, letting go, letting happen what will happen without my intervention, working for peace with it all.
Right now, I am struggling a bit with difficult child's birthday coming up Sunday and our gathering for that. It's hard for me to be around him and not name the elephant in the room.
I am going to follow my own advice (lol) and write down what I want to say. I'm sure there will be some unexpected curve balls, but I am going to make a plan and I know that will help me navigate the crazies inside my own head.
Warm hugs to all of us, we warriors, who are trying and failing and picking ourselves up, time and time and time again, to move forward.
Who would ever have thought, but here we are.
