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difficult child - tired....
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 293061"><p>I too really like the idea of the contract. You can be a little lenient (key word "little") if you want to take into consideration certain things like depression, into consideration. However, how far does this go? If you go too far, are you not part of the problem? </p><p> </p><p>Your son is 18. I would not hold this next thing I'm going to say over his head, because it is not a loving thing to do. But between you, me, the PE Forum and the lampost, has he not put you through a few things already?</p><p> </p><p>You deserve respect and this goes double for you and your life in your own home. You teach people how to treat you.</p><p> </p><p>He is your son. He should know that you love him. However, there are boundaries. Let them be clear. You, as mom, does not supercede, you as human being, wife, woman, homeowner, etc.</p><p> </p><p>You and your husband need to be united front. A few counseling sessions....never hurt...should they be needed. I'm talking about a few sessions for you and your husband. My guess is that your son is very strong willed. You guys need to be very strong back and very united.</p><p> </p><p>A contract....great idea. Rules to be honored. Make it clear...put it on the table what you expect.</p><p> </p><p>By the way, as hard as it is sometimes, don't let him play you. Don't give into the melodrama. Hold your head up high. If he tries to "walk all over you" STAND UP TALL. Pull the rug out from under him. He can take it. </p><p> </p><p>Here is an idea of an opening line:</p><p> </p><p>"I love you, but I also love myself. Your dad and I have worked very hard to help you in life. WE've worked very hard to create a good home. There are certain things that I need and expect from you. It starts with respect and it goes from there. We might be able to discuss to a small extent some of these rules before I make them official. However, one thing I will never compromise on is the respect I will be receiving from you. Here are the household rules.....Here is the contract. Here are the consequences for breaking the contract. Perhaps at some point down the road, we can make some small modifications."</p><p> </p><p>Is your son going to therapy? I would encourage it. You might see if this therapist could also do a few family sessions or could recommend someone. These would include you, your husband and son...and possibly some sessions with the entire family (other kids) as well.</p><p> </p><p><strong>If you feel strongly, that this girlfriend and him should not sleep in the same bed in your home, it is your perogative.</strong> I would briefly speak with the girl, but put the main emphasis and responsibility on your son. </p><p> </p><p>Perhaps (there might be better ideas...this is just one thought) you can ask that one sleep in the bed, and another in a sleeping bag on the floor and keep the door open at all times. If you have any indication that they did something else...then guess what???? <strong>His friend is no LONGER INVITED for any sleep overs. How about a one year moratorium on sleep overs for breaking the rules?</strong> <strong>And if it happens again...well, son can find his own place to live.</strong> I believe in compromise, I don't believe in selling my soul. This mother does NOT play that. <strong>Get creative...</strong>find something that might show that you are willing to be helpful, but NOT something that compromises YOUR principles. You are entitled to your principles. It is YOUR home. If he can't respect and honor that I think no matter how much progess he has made, he needs to find another place to stay. You are entitled to your health (mental and otherwise) and happiness. </p><p> </p><p>It is understandable that you would be afraid of confrontations with- your son. Where is husband in all of this? You might start off with a letter, but I would follow up with a contract. Consider having everyone sign it. Why be afraid? Let melodrama go in one ear and out the other.</p><p> </p><p>Please give this some thought...wishing you well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 293061"] I too really like the idea of the contract. You can be a little lenient (key word "little") if you want to take into consideration certain things like depression, into consideration. However, how far does this go? If you go too far, are you not part of the problem? Your son is 18. I would not hold this next thing I'm going to say over his head, because it is not a loving thing to do. But between you, me, the PE Forum and the lampost, has he not put you through a few things already? You deserve respect and this goes double for you and your life in your own home. You teach people how to treat you. He is your son. He should know that you love him. However, there are boundaries. Let them be clear. You, as mom, does not supercede, you as human being, wife, woman, homeowner, etc. You and your husband need to be united front. A few counseling sessions....never hurt...should they be needed. I'm talking about a few sessions for you and your husband. My guess is that your son is very strong willed. You guys need to be very strong back and very united. A contract....great idea. Rules to be honored. Make it clear...put it on the table what you expect. By the way, as hard as it is sometimes, don't let him play you. Don't give into the melodrama. Hold your head up high. If he tries to "walk all over you" STAND UP TALL. Pull the rug out from under him. He can take it. Here is an idea of an opening line: "I love you, but I also love myself. Your dad and I have worked very hard to help you in life. WE've worked very hard to create a good home. There are certain things that I need and expect from you. It starts with respect and it goes from there. We might be able to discuss to a small extent some of these rules before I make them official. However, one thing I will never compromise on is the respect I will be receiving from you. Here are the household rules.....Here is the contract. Here are the consequences for breaking the contract. Perhaps at some point down the road, we can make some small modifications." Is your son going to therapy? I would encourage it. You might see if this therapist could also do a few family sessions or could recommend someone. These would include you, your husband and son...and possibly some sessions with the entire family (other kids) as well. [B]If you feel strongly, that this girlfriend and him should not sleep in the same bed in your home, it is your perogative.[/B] I would briefly speak with the girl, but put the main emphasis and responsibility on your son. Perhaps (there might be better ideas...this is just one thought) you can ask that one sleep in the bed, and another in a sleeping bag on the floor and keep the door open at all times. If you have any indication that they did something else...then guess what???? [B]His friend is no LONGER INVITED for any sleep overs. How about a one year moratorium on sleep overs for breaking the rules?[/B] [B]And if it happens again...well, son can find his own place to live.[/B] I believe in compromise, I don't believe in selling my soul. This mother does NOT play that. [B]Get creative...[/B]find something that might show that you are willing to be helpful, but NOT something that compromises YOUR principles. You are entitled to your principles. It is YOUR home. If he can't respect and honor that I think no matter how much progess he has made, he needs to find another place to stay. You are entitled to your health (mental and otherwise) and happiness. It is understandable that you would be afraid of confrontations with- your son. Where is husband in all of this? You might start off with a letter, but I would follow up with a contract. Consider having everyone sign it. Why be afraid? Let melodrama go in one ear and out the other. Please give this some thought...wishing you well. [/QUOTE]
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