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General Parenting
difficult child turns 18 tomorrow
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 201625" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Do not lay the blame on yourself - a child's readiness to become an adult comes from two directions; from parental training (as and when the child is capable of taking this on board) and from within the child personally. If these two directions mesh then both are in sync.</p><p></p><p>The calendar should not be the be all and end all of a child becoming an adult. It IS legally; but if a child is or is not ready is determined by how ready the child is to embrace independence. You could have taught him all the skills he might need, to become independent; but if he wasn't ready to learn then you would have wasted your efforts.</p><p></p><p>Do you think he was ever ready to learn how to be independent? Did he ever show any interest in learning to cook? In learning how to use the washing machine? In learning how to balance a bank account? In learning how to do his taxes? In learning how to mend clothes (let alone make them)?</p><p></p><p>If he wasn't ready to learn any of this as a child, then he will have a lifetime as an adult, in which to learn. HE had his chance to learn from YOU. He's blown that.</p><p></p><p>If he was desperate to be independent, he would have shown signs of it in asking to do things for himself. A kid who leaves home but comes back to his parent's place to get his washing done and to have a home-cooked meal most nights of the week, is a kid who hasn't left home.</p><p></p><p>Your son has left home. But he is also getting prepared for adulthood. Once he is legally an adult then he is responsible for the decisions as to how and when this support continues. He does need to know that he is now personally responsible for himself, that he can no longer count on you to have a place for him, to do his washing and prepare his meals - he burned his bridges when he attacked you. You certainly didn't teach him to do that. He was certainly old enough to know it was wrong.</p><p></p><p>While ever you blame yourself for his lack of readiness, you are taking away from him the personal responsibility he must accept, before he can complete his growing up.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 201625, member: 1991"] Do not lay the blame on yourself - a child's readiness to become an adult comes from two directions; from parental training (as and when the child is capable of taking this on board) and from within the child personally. If these two directions mesh then both are in sync. The calendar should not be the be all and end all of a child becoming an adult. It IS legally; but if a child is or is not ready is determined by how ready the child is to embrace independence. You could have taught him all the skills he might need, to become independent; but if he wasn't ready to learn then you would have wasted your efforts. Do you think he was ever ready to learn how to be independent? Did he ever show any interest in learning to cook? In learning how to use the washing machine? In learning how to balance a bank account? In learning how to do his taxes? In learning how to mend clothes (let alone make them)? If he wasn't ready to learn any of this as a child, then he will have a lifetime as an adult, in which to learn. HE had his chance to learn from YOU. He's blown that. If he was desperate to be independent, he would have shown signs of it in asking to do things for himself. A kid who leaves home but comes back to his parent's place to get his washing done and to have a home-cooked meal most nights of the week, is a kid who hasn't left home. Your son has left home. But he is also getting prepared for adulthood. Once he is legally an adult then he is responsible for the decisions as to how and when this support continues. He does need to know that he is now personally responsible for himself, that he can no longer count on you to have a place for him, to do his washing and prepare his meals - he burned his bridges when he attacked you. You certainly didn't teach him to do that. He was certainly old enough to know it was wrong. While ever you blame yourself for his lack of readiness, you are taking away from him the personal responsibility he must accept, before he can complete his growing up. Marg [/QUOTE]
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