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difficult child with-ODD ~ Continued problems with-Homework
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 199961" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The quiet time is a really good option. She sounds so much like difficult child 3 and difficult child 1...</p><p></p><p>What happens if you talk to the teachers about the MAJOR problems she has doing homework? I really think it's wrong to penalise a kid with poor grades, if she is showing capability in t hose subject areas in everything else other than homework, if she CAN'T do homework without this sort of battle.</p><p></p><p>We went to extremes with difficult child 1 - we (husband & I) would take turns sitting with him in our spare room (isolated room, free-standing) FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. difficult child 1 was allowed out of the room to go to the bathroom, for meals and to sleep. The task - summarise a piece of text. He couldn't do it. We went months doing this, week in, week out. He's a bright kid. But he couldn't do this task.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter sounds very easily distracted. It's also possible that under the right conditions, she could actually be highly motivated, but when you keep getting fail grades for what you just can't manage to do, it is very disheartening and soon you give up trying. She needs to see that there is a way that works, without being too onerous.</p><p></p><p>We found that both boys had far more difficulty trying to do homework at the end of the school day when medications were wearing off (stims). We have been lucky that stims work at all. ANd just this year, we got almost exactly the scenario you describe, with difficult child 3 - and with him it's a huge issue because ALL his work is done at home, and NOTHING was getting done. Because I know he is highly motivated, I could immediately work form the premise that this wasn't naughtiness or stubbornness. It turned out to be wrong medications - we had recently changed to a different stimulant, plus the dosage had been undercalculated. We're still trying to fine-tune it, but he's now much better, switching him back to his old medications at the higher dosage was like waving a magic wand.</p><p></p><p>There shouldn't be battles like this. The school shouldn't be insisting on you fighting these battles - so either they don't know how bad it really is (or think you're exaggerating) or they don't care. Most teachers should be far more reasonable than this.</p><p></p><p>So fight this on several fronts - </p><p>talk to the school about how extreme the problems are at home;</p><p></p><p>push for an IEP with homework listed (and probably she may need classroom tasks broken down into manageable portions);</p><p></p><p>support her at home as you are doing, by working on her environment.</p><p></p><p>Now, to this last - what has worked for us with difficult child 3, to make it more productive at home (and at school, when he was still in mainstream):</p><p></p><p>1) A quite place. You're doing this now.</p><p></p><p>2) Sitting with the child - not necessarily to help, just you doing YOUR 'homework' at the same time. I found that difficult child 3 works well if we're sharing a task. Sometimes 'sharing' for him can be I ask him to do two tasks, then he chooses the one he wants to do and I do the other. Since I privately only wanted him to do one task anyway, I'm happy with this. He then works very happily, because it feels more fair to him. And 'fair' is VERY important to him. Again, you're doing this too.</p><p></p><p>3) A white noise generator, or ear plugs. For her, not necessarily for you, although that is another option!</p><p></p><p>4) Headphones with music. We had this in difficult child 3's IEP at school (although I think we set it up unofficially with his teacher first). Because difficult child 3 has a tendency to sing along with lyrics and to be distracted by them, the rule was - instrumental only. I also tried to avoid anything too stimulating or toe-tapping - easy listening music. The experts say that the best music for kids to listen to if you want to stimulate their brains to be productive - Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach. We've taken this further and by observing the music that difficult child 3 chose and included the instrumental backing music from Japanese-style animated movies and video games. difficult child 3 has managed to download a lot of tis to iTunes and when I listened to it I found a lot of similarity in musical style to the faster-paced Mozart. The music difficult child 3 tends to choose to work to is the light, bouncy, complex. Close harmonies interwoven with subtle melodies underneath. Very similar to Mozart and Vivaldi. Since I've learned to pay attention to what difficult child 3 wants (because from experience, I've learned that his instincts for meeting his own NEEDs rather than wants, is extremely acute) I allow it; I think he's onto something. Interestingly, difficult child 1 chooses the same sort of music when he's concentrating on things.</p><p></p><p>Music like this is more than simply white noise, it can focus attention. It can be better than silence for a lot of reasons:</p><p></p><p>1) Silence means everyone has to tiptoe around, the slightest noise seems magnified and distraction is still a huge issue even after everyone else has made huge sacrifices. Failure of this option to work causes HUGE resentment (like organ rejection of a live donation kidney causes resentment in the donor).</p><p></p><p>2) Music masks background noises. My mother used to put the radio on (when I was a toddler in the playpen) so I wouldn't hear her moving around and call out for her just because she was within earshot (I know - my memories go back a l-o-n-g way!) My mother used the classical music radio station.</p><p></p><p>3) It's not unusual for a difficult child to have problems with tinnitus. If you surround the child with external silence, the tinnitus becomes a distraction. Again, music can mask tinnitus.</p><p></p><p>It really sounds like you're on a good track.</p><p></p><p>One more thing (and I can't believe we've not told you this yet) - get a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. No matter how experienced a parent you feel you are (and I was one of the most smug, I was taught by the best with a long apprenticeship) this book can open your eyes on how to get what you want from your difficult children (your PCs as well, if you like) without them feeling manipulated or not in control.</p><p></p><p>There is some discussion on this book in Early Childhood, if you want a sneak peek on how it works. I got my first read from the local library because I wasn't going to pay good money for just another book recommendation. Then I had the book for so long I risked an overdue fine!</p><p></p><p>Let us know how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 199961, member: 1991"] The quiet time is a really good option. She sounds so much like difficult child 3 and difficult child 1... What happens if you talk to the teachers about the MAJOR problems she has doing homework? I really think it's wrong to penalise a kid with poor grades, if she is showing capability in t hose subject areas in everything else other than homework, if she CAN'T do homework without this sort of battle. We went to extremes with difficult child 1 - we (husband & I) would take turns sitting with him in our spare room (isolated room, free-standing) FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. difficult child 1 was allowed out of the room to go to the bathroom, for meals and to sleep. The task - summarise a piece of text. He couldn't do it. We went months doing this, week in, week out. He's a bright kid. But he couldn't do this task. Your daughter sounds very easily distracted. It's also possible that under the right conditions, she could actually be highly motivated, but when you keep getting fail grades for what you just can't manage to do, it is very disheartening and soon you give up trying. She needs to see that there is a way that works, without being too onerous. We found that both boys had far more difficulty trying to do homework at the end of the school day when medications were wearing off (stims). We have been lucky that stims work at all. ANd just this year, we got almost exactly the scenario you describe, with difficult child 3 - and with him it's a huge issue because ALL his work is done at home, and NOTHING was getting done. Because I know he is highly motivated, I could immediately work form the premise that this wasn't naughtiness or stubbornness. It turned out to be wrong medications - we had recently changed to a different stimulant, plus the dosage had been undercalculated. We're still trying to fine-tune it, but he's now much better, switching him back to his old medications at the higher dosage was like waving a magic wand. There shouldn't be battles like this. The school shouldn't be insisting on you fighting these battles - so either they don't know how bad it really is (or think you're exaggerating) or they don't care. Most teachers should be far more reasonable than this. So fight this on several fronts - talk to the school about how extreme the problems are at home; push for an IEP with homework listed (and probably she may need classroom tasks broken down into manageable portions); support her at home as you are doing, by working on her environment. Now, to this last - what has worked for us with difficult child 3, to make it more productive at home (and at school, when he was still in mainstream): 1) A quite place. You're doing this now. 2) Sitting with the child - not necessarily to help, just you doing YOUR 'homework' at the same time. I found that difficult child 3 works well if we're sharing a task. Sometimes 'sharing' for him can be I ask him to do two tasks, then he chooses the one he wants to do and I do the other. Since I privately only wanted him to do one task anyway, I'm happy with this. He then works very happily, because it feels more fair to him. And 'fair' is VERY important to him. Again, you're doing this too. 3) A white noise generator, or ear plugs. For her, not necessarily for you, although that is another option! 4) Headphones with music. We had this in difficult child 3's IEP at school (although I think we set it up unofficially with his teacher first). Because difficult child 3 has a tendency to sing along with lyrics and to be distracted by them, the rule was - instrumental only. I also tried to avoid anything too stimulating or toe-tapping - easy listening music. The experts say that the best music for kids to listen to if you want to stimulate their brains to be productive - Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach. We've taken this further and by observing the music that difficult child 3 chose and included the instrumental backing music from Japanese-style animated movies and video games. difficult child 3 has managed to download a lot of tis to iTunes and when I listened to it I found a lot of similarity in musical style to the faster-paced Mozart. The music difficult child 3 tends to choose to work to is the light, bouncy, complex. Close harmonies interwoven with subtle melodies underneath. Very similar to Mozart and Vivaldi. Since I've learned to pay attention to what difficult child 3 wants (because from experience, I've learned that his instincts for meeting his own NEEDs rather than wants, is extremely acute) I allow it; I think he's onto something. Interestingly, difficult child 1 chooses the same sort of music when he's concentrating on things. Music like this is more than simply white noise, it can focus attention. It can be better than silence for a lot of reasons: 1) Silence means everyone has to tiptoe around, the slightest noise seems magnified and distraction is still a huge issue even after everyone else has made huge sacrifices. Failure of this option to work causes HUGE resentment (like organ rejection of a live donation kidney causes resentment in the donor). 2) Music masks background noises. My mother used to put the radio on (when I was a toddler in the playpen) so I wouldn't hear her moving around and call out for her just because she was within earshot (I know - my memories go back a l-o-n-g way!) My mother used the classical music radio station. 3) It's not unusual for a difficult child to have problems with tinnitus. If you surround the child with external silence, the tinnitus becomes a distraction. Again, music can mask tinnitus. It really sounds like you're on a good track. One more thing (and I can't believe we've not told you this yet) - get a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. No matter how experienced a parent you feel you are (and I was one of the most smug, I was taught by the best with a long apprenticeship) this book can open your eyes on how to get what you want from your difficult children (your PCs as well, if you like) without them feeling manipulated or not in control. There is some discussion on this book in Early Childhood, if you want a sneak peek on how it works. I got my first read from the local library because I wasn't going to pay good money for just another book recommendation. Then I had the book for so long I risked an overdue fine! Let us know how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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