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difficult child's request
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 630352" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Echo, I think this is where you call the nice Social Services lady. The very best thing for your son, especially now that he has a sponsor and a better, different kind of hope for his life, is to be in his own apartment. Now Echo, while the iron is hot. I wonder whether presenting it to difficult child in just that way would be the best thing. To love him enough to be honest with him about the importance of choosing to take on a man's responsibilities, whatever his challenges.</p><p></p><p>There is true respect for him in that, Echo.</p><p></p><p>That is what I mean when I am always posting about realizing that backing up for my kids (or for anyone, really) is disrespectful, not only to me, but to the person I am in relationship with.</p><p></p><p>For my son, what was needed was a wake up call regarding the kind of man he wanted to be as evidenced by the way he was talking to his own mother. It was actually very wrong of me to have allowed our relationship to slide into what it was because my son was drug addled.</p><p></p><p>Your situation, both with your son and with S.O. is different in some ways, but the central issue is the same: For us to respect ourselves, we really do have to be better than we knew we could be. Because I know my son is using (or just plain rude) does not mean I get to back away from expecting the best from him. </p><p></p><p>That your son is challenged in another way does not mean that you get to back away from expecting him to do the best he can with what he does have.</p><p></p><p>Also, I loved your comment about cigarettes and berets. Ha! That was so funny. </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>*****************</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am proud, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Where is he living, now?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Change is a strange thing. As I let go of old behavior patterns, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of not knowing how to respond. It is like I have to think it through, every time. Over time, I am becoming familiar with this new, clearer self.</p><p></p><p>I like her, better.</p><p></p><p>She loves with clarity and compassion. </p><p></p><p>The way I was, I loved with something like...pity. That was the change that happened in me as I took responsibility (and blame) for what happened to my family. How awful for all of us, for everyone in my circle of influence. So, I am learning that it is best to be honest up front, as kindly and as truthfully as I can be.</p><p></p><p>Maybe Echo, this is where you are, too.</p><p></p><p>It seems so cruel to say what a thing is. It seems almost criminally mean to be able so easily to help, and to refuse to do that for the sake of the other guy's growth and integrity, because the other guy feels betrayed when you don't leap in and, out of pity, save them.</p><p></p><p>Which leaves us in the FOG.</p><p></p><p>We just went through a thing with our 21 year old granddaughter. That is how I know this.</p><p></p><p>Time passes so slowly when I have not helped, when I have not taken responsibility, and a situation has not been resolved.</p><p></p><p>I am learning to hang on.</p><p></p><p>I do review the situation again and again to be sure I meant what I said, and to be certain what I said is what I meant.</p><p></p><p>Which sounds really convoluted, but I am trying so hard Echo, to change the course of things for my family.</p><p></p><p>And for me and husband.</p><p></p><p>I think you are doing so beautifully, Echo. I remember when you came to us. I remember how I was, when I came in the first time, all those years ago for difficult child son and when I came back again, over difficult child daughter. Our situations are so difficult, Echo. There is no right answer, no immediate resolution.</p><p></p><p>That is a hard thing to know.</p><p></p><p>Actually? I think we have courage like some lion hearted warrior. I do. There are so many people Echo, who buckle and buckle. Their children never even manage independence, and that sickness of enabling and resentment is the only pattern of interaction they know. Wrong or right, we are trying something new, something purposeful and intentional. But here's the thing: We know in our hearts that the other way doesn't work. We are determined to have better for ourselves and our kids, and we are fighting for it with everything we know.</p><p></p><p>It's impossible to remember that, on the bad days.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 630352, member: 17461"] :O) Echo, I think this is where you call the nice Social Services lady. The very best thing for your son, especially now that he has a sponsor and a better, different kind of hope for his life, is to be in his own apartment. Now Echo, while the iron is hot. I wonder whether presenting it to difficult child in just that way would be the best thing. To love him enough to be honest with him about the importance of choosing to take on a man's responsibilities, whatever his challenges. There is true respect for him in that, Echo. That is what I mean when I am always posting about realizing that backing up for my kids (or for anyone, really) is disrespectful, not only to me, but to the person I am in relationship with. For my son, what was needed was a wake up call regarding the kind of man he wanted to be as evidenced by the way he was talking to his own mother. It was actually very wrong of me to have allowed our relationship to slide into what it was because my son was drug addled. Your situation, both with your son and with S.O. is different in some ways, but the central issue is the same: For us to respect ourselves, we really do have to be better than we knew we could be. Because I know my son is using (or just plain rude) does not mean I get to back away from expecting the best from him. That your son is challenged in another way does not mean that you get to back away from expecting him to do the best he can with what he does have. Also, I loved your comment about cigarettes and berets. Ha! That was so funny. :O) ***************** I am proud, Echo. Where is he living, now? Change is a strange thing. As I let go of old behavior patterns, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of not knowing how to respond. It is like I have to think it through, every time. Over time, I am becoming familiar with this new, clearer self. I like her, better. She loves with clarity and compassion. The way I was, I loved with something like...pity. That was the change that happened in me as I took responsibility (and blame) for what happened to my family. How awful for all of us, for everyone in my circle of influence. So, I am learning that it is best to be honest up front, as kindly and as truthfully as I can be. Maybe Echo, this is where you are, too. It seems so cruel to say what a thing is. It seems almost criminally mean to be able so easily to help, and to refuse to do that for the sake of the other guy's growth and integrity, because the other guy feels betrayed when you don't leap in and, out of pity, save them. Which leaves us in the FOG. We just went through a thing with our 21 year old granddaughter. That is how I know this. Time passes so slowly when I have not helped, when I have not taken responsibility, and a situation has not been resolved. I am learning to hang on. I do review the situation again and again to be sure I meant what I said, and to be certain what I said is what I meant. Which sounds really convoluted, but I am trying so hard Echo, to change the course of things for my family. And for me and husband. I think you are doing so beautifully, Echo. I remember when you came to us. I remember how I was, when I came in the first time, all those years ago for difficult child son and when I came back again, over difficult child daughter. Our situations are so difficult, Echo. There is no right answer, no immediate resolution. That is a hard thing to know. Actually? I think we have courage like some lion hearted warrior. I do. There are so many people Echo, who buckle and buckle. Their children never even manage independence, and that sickness of enabling and resentment is the only pattern of interaction they know. Wrong or right, we are trying something new, something purposeful and intentional. But here's the thing: We know in our hearts that the other way doesn't work. We are determined to have better for ourselves and our kids, and we are fighting for it with everything we know. It's impossible to remember that, on the bad days. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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