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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 630392" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I like Cedar's idea ECHO, call that <em>nice lad</em>y.</p><p></p><p>It's a hard call and I understand your dilemma. He has made strides, however, living with him for any amount of time is certainly problematic. And, he could slip back at any time.........I get it.</p><p></p><p>Having said that, and of course, all our situations are so similar and yet very different, I have permitted my daughter to stay with us for the moment. She continues to exhibit a shift, each day moving even more in a positive direction, so it seems (at the moment), it's pretty good.</p><p></p><p>I am under no delusions, I understand that at any moment, it could all go south and she could slip into who she was before........and she knows that would be the day that she would be leaving here. The agreement is, as long as she is working, saving her money, looking for a place to live and a car, that we will assist her by allowing her to be here. No money, no other perks, just a couch and on occasion she can use my car to go to work, no other time though.</p><p></p><p>You and I made some hard choices a little while ago, we detached from our kids and it was very clear to all of us that the end game had arrived. You and I made it absolutely clear that we were no longer participating in any of their shenanigans. I was done. And, I know that my daughter got that on a big level. She knew it, no doubt about it.</p><p></p><p>As I watched my daughter make different choices, get 2 jobs (could actually be 3 jobs!), get a bank account, act in respectful and appreciative ways, I allowed her to stay on our couch. Not in our extra room, I didn't want this to be a long term thing, but as long as she was doing something positive, I felt I wanted to help her. Previous to this, she did not exhibit any behavior which made me believe she had changed in the ways she has now.</p><p></p><p>I understand your anxiety and your trepidation, I had a lot of that. The history our kids bring with them looms large. But, something just felt different this time, there was a whole different 'feel' to it, so I went with it and took a risk. So far, so good. I'm taking it one day at at time, knowing that I can change my mind at any time and she can leave. </p><p></p><p>I didn't know what to do either, I followed my instincts, I observed closely how my daughter was acting and what she was doing and what her choices were and if she was willing to listen to me. I made it very clear that if I felt weird at any time, then she would need to leave.</p><p></p><p>I don't know your son, I don't know what the best course of action is for you or for him, I can understand why you are on the fence and I can certainly understand everyone's responses, they ALL make sense. But, really, only you really know because you can see with your own eyes and listen with your own ears. It may be a good idea for him to live elsewhere now. It may be exactly what is necessary for him to grow up and learn to make responsible choices without you. And, on the other hand, to be with his family during a fragile time in his life, may be the right thing to do. I don't know. But, I trust that you know. I trust that if you dig deep in your heart, you will know the right course of action........for this moment..........which can change again tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>For me, it helped to realize that nothing is forever, this could all blow up this afternoon...........or she could actually maintain and pull a new life out of it. As she calms down from the relentless drama of the last couple of years, she is actually pleasant to be around.</p><p></p><p>Last night when I was reading upstairs in bed, I could hear my SO and my daughter talking downstairs.............I thought to myself, geez, there is something so poignant and sweet about knowing your kid is safe in your home................those of us here whose kids have been homeless or in jail and leading such intensely unsafe lives know the fear and the devastation of <u><strong>not</strong></u> knowing........ which I think is the worst case scenario.............and I've lived through that. And, I may live through it again, who knows? But, just for that moment, I was so grateful. Something other parents take for granted ..............that their kids are safe.............something I haven't felt in a very, very long time.</p><p></p><p>Another important feature that has occurred spontaneously for me is that I have been able to express a lot more to my daughter because she is right here. Just the other night I told her, calmly and without any energy on it at all, how much resentment I have carried about how her life has bled into mine and how profoundly that impacted me. When she responded by saying her life has been a mess too........I was able to say, "yes it has, but you created that mess, I didn't and yet my life was immensely impacted by your choices." She didn't say anything after that. We both knew the truth of what I said. I don't know how that impacted her, but it was very, very good for me to say it. And, that has happened a couple of times now. For me and for my granddaughter. I believe, for us, that this is a valuable time for a lot of hurts and angers to be expressed to the source and for all of us to move on in a healthier way. And, it's gotten easier too, it's gotten a whole lot easier for all of us.</p><p></p><p>Refrain if you are unsure, wait a while, as you said you would, just mull it all over. I trust that you will come up with the right choice for you and for your difficult child, whatever that is. Hang in there ECHO, this is hard stuff we do here.............there are no easy answers............there are no how to books, we all have to learn to trust ourselves along the way and to take off the veil of illusion we suffer under and see the truth, no matter what that looks like............ we have to deal with it.</p><p></p><p>Sending you comforting thoughts and warm hugs..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 630392, member: 13542"] I like Cedar's idea ECHO, call that [I]nice lad[/I]y. It's a hard call and I understand your dilemma. He has made strides, however, living with him for any amount of time is certainly problematic. And, he could slip back at any time.........I get it. Having said that, and of course, all our situations are so similar and yet very different, I have permitted my daughter to stay with us for the moment. She continues to exhibit a shift, each day moving even more in a positive direction, so it seems (at the moment), it's pretty good. I am under no delusions, I understand that at any moment, it could all go south and she could slip into who she was before........and she knows that would be the day that she would be leaving here. The agreement is, as long as she is working, saving her money, looking for a place to live and a car, that we will assist her by allowing her to be here. No money, no other perks, just a couch and on occasion she can use my car to go to work, no other time though. You and I made some hard choices a little while ago, we detached from our kids and it was very clear to all of us that the end game had arrived. You and I made it absolutely clear that we were no longer participating in any of their shenanigans. I was done. And, I know that my daughter got that on a big level. She knew it, no doubt about it. As I watched my daughter make different choices, get 2 jobs (could actually be 3 jobs!), get a bank account, act in respectful and appreciative ways, I allowed her to stay on our couch. Not in our extra room, I didn't want this to be a long term thing, but as long as she was doing something positive, I felt I wanted to help her. Previous to this, she did not exhibit any behavior which made me believe she had changed in the ways she has now. I understand your anxiety and your trepidation, I had a lot of that. The history our kids bring with them looms large. But, something just felt different this time, there was a whole different 'feel' to it, so I went with it and took a risk. So far, so good. I'm taking it one day at at time, knowing that I can change my mind at any time and she can leave. I didn't know what to do either, I followed my instincts, I observed closely how my daughter was acting and what she was doing and what her choices were and if she was willing to listen to me. I made it very clear that if I felt weird at any time, then she would need to leave. I don't know your son, I don't know what the best course of action is for you or for him, I can understand why you are on the fence and I can certainly understand everyone's responses, they ALL make sense. But, really, only you really know because you can see with your own eyes and listen with your own ears. It may be a good idea for him to live elsewhere now. It may be exactly what is necessary for him to grow up and learn to make responsible choices without you. And, on the other hand, to be with his family during a fragile time in his life, may be the right thing to do. I don't know. But, I trust that you know. I trust that if you dig deep in your heart, you will know the right course of action........for this moment..........which can change again tomorrow. For me, it helped to realize that nothing is forever, this could all blow up this afternoon...........or she could actually maintain and pull a new life out of it. As she calms down from the relentless drama of the last couple of years, she is actually pleasant to be around. Last night when I was reading upstairs in bed, I could hear my SO and my daughter talking downstairs.............I thought to myself, geez, there is something so poignant and sweet about knowing your kid is safe in your home................those of us here whose kids have been homeless or in jail and leading such intensely unsafe lives know the fear and the devastation of [U][B]not[/B][/U] knowing........ which I think is the worst case scenario.............and I've lived through that. And, I may live through it again, who knows? But, just for that moment, I was so grateful. Something other parents take for granted ..............that their kids are safe.............something I haven't felt in a very, very long time. Another important feature that has occurred spontaneously for me is that I have been able to express a lot more to my daughter because she is right here. Just the other night I told her, calmly and without any energy on it at all, how much resentment I have carried about how her life has bled into mine and how profoundly that impacted me. When she responded by saying her life has been a mess too........I was able to say, "yes it has, but you created that mess, I didn't and yet my life was immensely impacted by your choices." She didn't say anything after that. We both knew the truth of what I said. I don't know how that impacted her, but it was very, very good for me to say it. And, that has happened a couple of times now. For me and for my granddaughter. I believe, for us, that this is a valuable time for a lot of hurts and angers to be expressed to the source and for all of us to move on in a healthier way. And, it's gotten easier too, it's gotten a whole lot easier for all of us. Refrain if you are unsure, wait a while, as you said you would, just mull it all over. I trust that you will come up with the right choice for you and for your difficult child, whatever that is. Hang in there ECHO, this is hard stuff we do here.............there are no easy answers............there are no how to books, we all have to learn to trust ourselves along the way and to take off the veil of illusion we suffer under and see the truth, no matter what that looks like............ we have to deal with it. Sending you comforting thoughts and warm hugs.......... [/QUOTE]
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