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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 564473" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I admire you for being so honest and up front about everything you are going through. It is HARD to say these things to yourself, and harder stll to put them into typed words to share iwth ohters, even on a forum like this. </p><p></p><p>PLEASE do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT have any discussion about this until you are ready, not going through chemo, not dealing iwth the stress of the end of a semester, to have this talk.</p><p></p><p>this is NOT selfishness, is is self-preservation and being true to yourself and doing what is best for YOU. </p><p></p><p>Regardless of what you do, you won't spoil Christmas. Your children are adults. They are well old enough to have their own children and spouses and to make their own holiday plans. I don't come from your family dynamic, but I did grow up with a volatile father and more volatile brother. Holidays were fun NOT when we were all together doing the Norman Rockwell holiday thing but when we were enjoying each other. It wasn't where we slept or what we ate. It was doing something fun and laughing together.</p><p></p><p>As far as the finances, I don't think you should EVER go back to the situation where you combine all finances with anyone. You are an adult, and as such you have the right to your own financial freedom and if anyone disagrees, then they have some serious problems and need to go get help for them.</p><p></p><p>Have you gotten ANY therapy since you left your ex, since you got your diagnosis????? Leaving a marriage is one of the biggest stresses we can experience. Moving to a new town is one of the biggest stresses we can have. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of the biggest stresses we can have.</p><p></p><p>You have combined THREE of the most stressful things a human being can experience in one very short year. You have absolutely ZERO business making ANY major or long term decisions right now. ZERO. There is not a therapist worth the name in existence who would tell you to make a decision more lasting than what to have for dinner or what dress to buy until you have given yourself time and therapy to cope with all of this. Anyone pressuring you to make decisions on these issues does NOT love you and does NOT have your best interests at heart.</p><p></p><p>i am glad your ex has been helpful, in my opinion he owes you that at a bare minimum. You have ZERO business marrying him or anyone else for at least one or two more years, longer if you don't get some help.</p><p></p><p>As for the holidays, have an open and honest conversation with your kids. let them know that you want to start new traditions, that you don't feel comfortable going to ex's, and ask them what they want to do for the holidays. If one or more would rather be there, celebrate with them privately. tell ex that you need some time, that you have been counselled to take a step back to be sure you know what you want, and that while you appreciate his help, you don't want any strings right now because you are not ready for them. If he is upset? Hang up the phone and let him get over that on his own.</p><p></p><p>PLEASE at least talk to someone at a domestic violence hotline about options. Go to a DV center in your new area and ask for help. It is free, and you are EXACTLY the type of person they are designed to help. You OWE it to yourself and your kids and even your ex to do this. You cannot make a sane decision about a relationship while you are dealing with the memories of past abuse, regardless of how wonderful things are or are not today. Tell ex that if he absolutely must have a decision and commitment now, that your answer must be no because you just are not in a place where you CAN say yes. If he loves you he will wait. Period.</p><p></p><p>If you won't/cannot go to a dv center for help, find a therapist that you can work with and get some help dealing with all of this. I am sure the oncologist's office can suggest some tdocs, and in my opinion you also need a cancer or breast cancer support group. Don't try to od this all yourself, or with just ex's help. You deserve a truly loving relationship, and if ex cannot give you real love then maybe you are not meant to get back together. Pressuring you right now about money esp, or about anything else, is a very selfish thing for him to do, NOT a loving thing, even if a wedding ring and vows are involved.</p><p></p><p>PLEASE get professional help. PLEASE take all the time you need to make decsions like this. PLEASE give yourself time to heal and rebuild your life before you make any decisions of any kind!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 564473, member: 1233"] I admire you for being so honest and up front about everything you are going through. It is HARD to say these things to yourself, and harder stll to put them into typed words to share iwth ohters, even on a forum like this. PLEASE do NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT have any discussion about this until you are ready, not going through chemo, not dealing iwth the stress of the end of a semester, to have this talk. this is NOT selfishness, is is self-preservation and being true to yourself and doing what is best for YOU. Regardless of what you do, you won't spoil Christmas. Your children are adults. They are well old enough to have their own children and spouses and to make their own holiday plans. I don't come from your family dynamic, but I did grow up with a volatile father and more volatile brother. Holidays were fun NOT when we were all together doing the Norman Rockwell holiday thing but when we were enjoying each other. It wasn't where we slept or what we ate. It was doing something fun and laughing together. As far as the finances, I don't think you should EVER go back to the situation where you combine all finances with anyone. You are an adult, and as such you have the right to your own financial freedom and if anyone disagrees, then they have some serious problems and need to go get help for them. Have you gotten ANY therapy since you left your ex, since you got your diagnosis????? Leaving a marriage is one of the biggest stresses we can experience. Moving to a new town is one of the biggest stresses we can have. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of the biggest stresses we can have. You have combined THREE of the most stressful things a human being can experience in one very short year. You have absolutely ZERO business making ANY major or long term decisions right now. ZERO. There is not a therapist worth the name in existence who would tell you to make a decision more lasting than what to have for dinner or what dress to buy until you have given yourself time and therapy to cope with all of this. Anyone pressuring you to make decisions on these issues does NOT love you and does NOT have your best interests at heart. i am glad your ex has been helpful, in my opinion he owes you that at a bare minimum. You have ZERO business marrying him or anyone else for at least one or two more years, longer if you don't get some help. As for the holidays, have an open and honest conversation with your kids. let them know that you want to start new traditions, that you don't feel comfortable going to ex's, and ask them what they want to do for the holidays. If one or more would rather be there, celebrate with them privately. tell ex that you need some time, that you have been counselled to take a step back to be sure you know what you want, and that while you appreciate his help, you don't want any strings right now because you are not ready for them. If he is upset? Hang up the phone and let him get over that on his own. PLEASE at least talk to someone at a domestic violence hotline about options. Go to a DV center in your new area and ask for help. It is free, and you are EXACTLY the type of person they are designed to help. You OWE it to yourself and your kids and even your ex to do this. You cannot make a sane decision about a relationship while you are dealing with the memories of past abuse, regardless of how wonderful things are or are not today. Tell ex that if he absolutely must have a decision and commitment now, that your answer must be no because you just are not in a place where you CAN say yes. If he loves you he will wait. Period. If you won't/cannot go to a dv center for help, find a therapist that you can work with and get some help dealing with all of this. I am sure the oncologist's office can suggest some tdocs, and in my opinion you also need a cancer or breast cancer support group. Don't try to od this all yourself, or with just ex's help. You deserve a truly loving relationship, and if ex cannot give you real love then maybe you are not meant to get back together. Pressuring you right now about money esp, or about anything else, is a very selfish thing for him to do, NOT a loving thing, even if a wedding ring and vows are involved. PLEASE get professional help. PLEASE take all the time you need to make decsions like this. PLEASE give yourself time to heal and rebuild your life before you make any decisions of any kind! [/QUOTE]
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