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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 564488" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Thank you, thank you, busywend and tiapet. You both give me strength. I should say that the worst of the abuse happened in the 1990s, over a decade ago. After I tried to leave in 1999 the worst of it stopped. Since then it's been neglect, disparagement (subtle), refusal to acknowledge what went before. In fact, referring to our separation in 1998/99 as the time when I went crazy, woke up one day and decided to ruin our lives. (The abuse was mainly verbal and emotional, a little physical but not much. He pushed my face into the kitchen floor to show me 'up close and personal' the dirt I'd missed in the toe kick under the cabinets - but also said he didn't have to hit me, since yelling had its effect; that I was pathetic and to shut up and stop crying. He was fanatical about the state of the house and inspected each room, every night on returning home; he would back me up against the wall and scream in my face until I was in tears, and threaten me about 'keeping up with MY kids or we'd all be sorry'. He threatened my life many times; we were both physicians and he made threats that I knew were plausible, and I didn't sleep the night through from then until now, basically. I still don't sleep through the night. He doesn't understand why not.) In the spring of this year d-ex did acknowledge all that happened in the 1990s and had no explanation for it. He apologized, but said that since it's not going on right now, what's the problem? The problem is that I had ongoing PTSD that was triggered with certain looks or tones of voice that he had, and that the kids had been so affected. </p><p></p><p>I felt awkward and guilty last year, planning to leave when no overt abuse was going on. It had been so many years. But I hadn't had any prospect of supporting myself all that time, I'd been invested in trying to make the marriage/family work, and then when I tried to return to medical practice in 2011 it became clear that my prospects for self-sufficiency had been utterly sabotaged. That was the last straw, though perhaps not the most important one. (I had tried to return to medical practice or further education many times over the years, and he had always sabotaged my attempts through refusing to participate at all in child care, or refusing to move to a place I could pursue further training, in spite of the fact that we'd moved more than once so that HE could pursue further training or take a new job.)</p><p></p><p>I appreciate you sharing your experience. I know there are many brave women out there who have made the break and ended up healthier and in a better place. It's hard to imagine the strength it took for you to leave in the circumstances you were faced with. It inspires me, knowing what others have overcome, when I'm tempted to despair. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 564488, member: 2884"] Thank you, thank you, busywend and tiapet. You both give me strength. I should say that the worst of the abuse happened in the 1990s, over a decade ago. After I tried to leave in 1999 the worst of it stopped. Since then it's been neglect, disparagement (subtle), refusal to acknowledge what went before. In fact, referring to our separation in 1998/99 as the time when I went crazy, woke up one day and decided to ruin our lives. (The abuse was mainly verbal and emotional, a little physical but not much. He pushed my face into the kitchen floor to show me 'up close and personal' the dirt I'd missed in the toe kick under the cabinets - but also said he didn't have to hit me, since yelling had its effect; that I was pathetic and to shut up and stop crying. He was fanatical about the state of the house and inspected each room, every night on returning home; he would back me up against the wall and scream in my face until I was in tears, and threaten me about 'keeping up with MY kids or we'd all be sorry'. He threatened my life many times; we were both physicians and he made threats that I knew were plausible, and I didn't sleep the night through from then until now, basically. I still don't sleep through the night. He doesn't understand why not.) In the spring of this year d-ex did acknowledge all that happened in the 1990s and had no explanation for it. He apologized, but said that since it's not going on right now, what's the problem? The problem is that I had ongoing PTSD that was triggered with certain looks or tones of voice that he had, and that the kids had been so affected. I felt awkward and guilty last year, planning to leave when no overt abuse was going on. It had been so many years. But I hadn't had any prospect of supporting myself all that time, I'd been invested in trying to make the marriage/family work, and then when I tried to return to medical practice in 2011 it became clear that my prospects for self-sufficiency had been utterly sabotaged. That was the last straw, though perhaps not the most important one. (I had tried to return to medical practice or further education many times over the years, and he had always sabotaged my attempts through refusing to participate at all in child care, or refusing to move to a place I could pursue further training, in spite of the fact that we'd moved more than once so that HE could pursue further training or take a new job.) I appreciate you sharing your experience. I know there are many brave women out there who have made the break and ended up healthier and in a better place. It's hard to imagine the strength it took for you to leave in the circumstances you were faced with. It inspires me, knowing what others have overcome, when I'm tempted to despair. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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