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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 564594" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Katya, </p><p></p><p>I thought about you last night. I do remember some things that you don't think about when you have moved on in your life from a really, really dark place and years of being abused and worse. I can remember one thing that was tantamount to my first steps in healing, and being resistant to healing that I thought may help you in understanding the process of 'self'. See my x was hideously abusive to me and my son. At the time and as the years went on, therapy didn't even seem needed. It was survive day to day, and hope you woke up the next, and that you survived. Literally at the most basic sense of the word survive I mean that. You can be beaten, and tortured, and your body can take a whole lot more than you'll ever realize day after day, year after year. However when you are in an abusive relationship that tears down at your morality, and your self-esteem (not self confidence) because somehow women that I've met -self included that were/are abused seem to have boatloads of self confidence. They have to in order to survive the storm, but little by little loose self-esteem. They're not worthy, they dont have what it takes to keep their man, they are not attractive, they're not smart, they're not wild enough in bed, they're not sexy enough, they're not whatever.....and over the periods of time? Self doubt creeps in, or children come along and then the abuser has not only ONE victim to sling hateful words over, but three....YOU as a wife, your child AND (the lack of parenting skills that YOU possess now in PARENTING as a mother) it's like a third dimension we take on.....and then if you have another child - you literally multiply that number AGAIN by 2. That's an awful amount of weight to bear when you are hoping every day for just one incling.....one crumb......one WORD of praise, one look, one thought.....one touch....from the person that you have SO loved and SO wanted and SO wanted to be wanted by for So long......that after a while? The ugliness gets piled on and piled on and more and more until you feel like you are suffocating, and maybe you fight back....maybe you don't and suffer in silence....but all the while? Youre self esteem leaves you. It leaves you to the point that your ONLY thought at some point is "OH MY GOD, if I can JUST get away from THAT PERSON.....I'll have my life back." and so we leave, we try to leave, we divorce, and we attempt to move on with our lives thinking -----Well now that the 'canker" is gone from our lives......we're going to be just fine. And that is the BIGGEST falacy in domestic violence no matter HOW minute the abuse is or what type it is.....verbal, physical, mental. </p><p></p><p>It's such a false hope because these people (like your husband) have been WHO they are and done WHAT they do for so long it is THEIR personna and they hone their craft like a fine edge on a sword to the point that sometimes.....we even believe them when they say it's OUR FAULT that things went to pot. Because by the time they throw THAT line in the mix? We have nothing left. They fight, they destroy, and then they come around with a honey moon phase and we forgive and love, and they're somewhat nice ....and the cycle starts all over again....and sucks us right back into thinking.......THINKING......Ah theres the man I loved....he must have just been.....XX from XX and THAT's WHY he did those horrible things, said those heinous things....attacked the children. And parts of us from being torn down for so long.? Believe that we can't make it without them, that we'll never be desirable to other men, or that we've put on so much weight or lost so much weight that we're not attractive...and what is REALLY not attractive is our DOUBT. There is someone out there for everyone. Looks are only skin deep.......How sexy Katya is your brain? Is it healthy? Is it in a place where you are ABLE to make decisions for YOU that are GOOD ones? Are you able to SPOT the weasles in the hen house? WITHOUT getting so overloaded that you can't load a shot gun and blow them off the property? </p><p></p><p>I'll tell you this......I left my x.....and it was a storm. I had already been in therapy (in secret) for a year. What a difference it made in my thinking....without HIM to influence me, and put me down, and put my kid down. The damage to my son is done. That will take a LIFETIME to undo, and I did all I could do to help THAT. Now it's up to my son....and yes, I am sorry that it was his life. But had I known any sooner to do any better? I would have....and ;when I did? I did. I can't feel guilty forever for that. And you need to realize that you are NOT......in a place right not where you can make decisions for yourself regarding relationships and marriage, and anything else that has to do with TWO people.......HELL you're still trying to figure out what makes YOU happy after spending 29 years figuring out what makes EVERYONE else happy-------DANCE PUPPET dance.......and if HE had worked 1/2 as hard as YOU DID......in those 29 years to make you happy? You would be at least......1/4 happy.....and you're not. You're not happy at all......NOW all of a sudden "HE says this and HE says that and HE wants this and HE wants that." .......WELL GOOD.......Let him go seek his happiness on his own. And if he's decided he made a mistake in 29 years?????? Then he WOULD NOT......WOULD NOT be coming back to you now......in the state y ou are in and FORCING THINGS and DATES one you.....HE HASN"T LEARNED ONE THING ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED. Maybe he's sorry.....maybe he feels bad.....but HE HAS LEARNED ..........NOTHING ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.....because if he did know? He'd know right now? You ........YOU........do not need to be PUSHED into ANYTHING.....you need space, time, therapy.....and you need to go back into your life......REGRESSIVELY......with a trained therapist........</p><p></p><p>To find that place IN YOUR LIFE/ TIME.......that made you start making the choices that you did......that led you to live the life that you have.......which made you so UNHAPPY......so that you can PROGRESS and change the mapping in your mind......to RETHINK the way you do. OBVIOUSLY without retraining......a gymnast that has bad habits is going to continually make the same mistake.....may be aware of it, and try to fix it...but without TRAINING.....they don't know how to CORRECT the problelm and do the stunt PROPERLY that keeps them on top of their game. NOTHING is different about life.....about relationships. </p><p></p><p>FIX YOU.......FIND you.......FEEL what you felt.....ALLOW yourself the time it will take to figure out what you need to figure out......and for pete sake....TELL your therapist how you feel about his age, and don't be shy. He can't work with you IF you already doubt his abilities....let HIM tell you WHY he's a right fit for you. If he's not? Being honest maybe he'll recommend you to someone that you feel better with or maybe being honest you just GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY.......and move forward with this 30 year old genius. I know because the last guy I saw for my new job......was about 30 and I said.....If my son had not died I would have a kid as old as you......I don't feel comfortable talking to you. So he told me about his life, his credentials......and I got to make a choice if I believed him or not. Turns out for 30 -----he'd let a pretty unsheltered life and had an idea where I was coming from per the job interview questions......and as it turns out I was marked as the most honest in the group. I questioned his test.....I questioned him.....and it made me a perfect candidate for the job I was going for.....and my new thought process was.....WELL if I'm not meant for this? I'll know......and it's better to know now........and if I am meant for it......at least I'm honest and he'll know where I'm coming from. You need that with your shrink.......He's going to delve into your deepest thoughts.....WHY start a relationship out on ......I don't. Be honest. MOSTLY with yourself. And then if he can help you? Good. If not? Move on. </p><p></p><p>As far as the rest in life? I can tell you I took a break from therapy AFTER I left my x.....I thought WELL HE"S gone....and I'm free.....and ........(insert laugh here ) I found myself rooming with a paranoid schizophrenic with MPD.....5 or 6 the doctor at the psychiatric hospital told us. And the things that he did in 3 short months were ...WOW. Then I took time off......saw NO ONE.......had NO ONE......and well when I met DF I literally stepped outside and looked up at God and said "REALLY GOD?????? Is this some kind of a test? You sent me a BIKER? Some great therapist I have." and I avoided Mr Bad Boy like the plague, but he kept showing up in my life and was a perfect gentleman.....even held my hair when I got drunk and threw up. Yup.....whatta guy. And 13 years later? Well We're best friends....and while there are things we both roll our eyes over from each other? He told me the sexiest thing about me when we met was my brain and my attitude. And trust me......I was cute. (not like Rudolph cute) I was a sexy beast. And when I got to be 300 lbs? I was still a sexy beast.....just well.....a bigger, not so healthy beast. But what a brain.....lol. (his words not mine) -----and yet he still whips me at jeopardy. Go figure. I want that for you......I want you to reak of self-confidence, and self assuredness in all aspects of your life. I want you to know that when you draw a line in the sand and say NO......you MEAN.....no. And without guilt. I want your heart to be happy when you wake up in the morning KNOW that you are here for a WONDERFUL reason and a good life. Because you deserve it. Not because you earned it.....on someone elses say so. </p><p></p><p>SEEK the Katya that wants to fix the things in your life.....and be ridiculously happy......make that your goal.....RIDICULOUSLY happy. (or whatever adjective you want) but HAPPY should be in there somewhere.....(I think) </p><p></p><p>I love You Kat......You're not so damaged. You just need (and fill in the blanks here and go for it) mk? </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>STar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 564594, member: 4964"] Katya, I thought about you last night. I do remember some things that you don't think about when you have moved on in your life from a really, really dark place and years of being abused and worse. I can remember one thing that was tantamount to my first steps in healing, and being resistant to healing that I thought may help you in understanding the process of 'self'. See my x was hideously abusive to me and my son. At the time and as the years went on, therapy didn't even seem needed. It was survive day to day, and hope you woke up the next, and that you survived. Literally at the most basic sense of the word survive I mean that. You can be beaten, and tortured, and your body can take a whole lot more than you'll ever realize day after day, year after year. However when you are in an abusive relationship that tears down at your morality, and your self-esteem (not self confidence) because somehow women that I've met -self included that were/are abused seem to have boatloads of self confidence. They have to in order to survive the storm, but little by little loose self-esteem. They're not worthy, they dont have what it takes to keep their man, they are not attractive, they're not smart, they're not wild enough in bed, they're not sexy enough, they're not whatever.....and over the periods of time? Self doubt creeps in, or children come along and then the abuser has not only ONE victim to sling hateful words over, but three....YOU as a wife, your child AND (the lack of parenting skills that YOU possess now in PARENTING as a mother) it's like a third dimension we take on.....and then if you have another child - you literally multiply that number AGAIN by 2. That's an awful amount of weight to bear when you are hoping every day for just one incling.....one crumb......one WORD of praise, one look, one thought.....one touch....from the person that you have SO loved and SO wanted and SO wanted to be wanted by for So long......that after a while? The ugliness gets piled on and piled on and more and more until you feel like you are suffocating, and maybe you fight back....maybe you don't and suffer in silence....but all the while? Youre self esteem leaves you. It leaves you to the point that your ONLY thought at some point is "OH MY GOD, if I can JUST get away from THAT PERSON.....I'll have my life back." and so we leave, we try to leave, we divorce, and we attempt to move on with our lives thinking -----Well now that the 'canker" is gone from our lives......we're going to be just fine. And that is the BIGGEST falacy in domestic violence no matter HOW minute the abuse is or what type it is.....verbal, physical, mental. It's such a false hope because these people (like your husband) have been WHO they are and done WHAT they do for so long it is THEIR personna and they hone their craft like a fine edge on a sword to the point that sometimes.....we even believe them when they say it's OUR FAULT that things went to pot. Because by the time they throw THAT line in the mix? We have nothing left. They fight, they destroy, and then they come around with a honey moon phase and we forgive and love, and they're somewhat nice ....and the cycle starts all over again....and sucks us right back into thinking.......THINKING......Ah theres the man I loved....he must have just been.....XX from XX and THAT's WHY he did those horrible things, said those heinous things....attacked the children. And parts of us from being torn down for so long.? Believe that we can't make it without them, that we'll never be desirable to other men, or that we've put on so much weight or lost so much weight that we're not attractive...and what is REALLY not attractive is our DOUBT. There is someone out there for everyone. Looks are only skin deep.......How sexy Katya is your brain? Is it healthy? Is it in a place where you are ABLE to make decisions for YOU that are GOOD ones? Are you able to SPOT the weasles in the hen house? WITHOUT getting so overloaded that you can't load a shot gun and blow them off the property? I'll tell you this......I left my x.....and it was a storm. I had already been in therapy (in secret) for a year. What a difference it made in my thinking....without HIM to influence me, and put me down, and put my kid down. The damage to my son is done. That will take a LIFETIME to undo, and I did all I could do to help THAT. Now it's up to my son....and yes, I am sorry that it was his life. But had I known any sooner to do any better? I would have....and ;when I did? I did. I can't feel guilty forever for that. And you need to realize that you are NOT......in a place right not where you can make decisions for yourself regarding relationships and marriage, and anything else that has to do with TWO people.......HELL you're still trying to figure out what makes YOU happy after spending 29 years figuring out what makes EVERYONE else happy-------DANCE PUPPET dance.......and if HE had worked 1/2 as hard as YOU DID......in those 29 years to make you happy? You would be at least......1/4 happy.....and you're not. You're not happy at all......NOW all of a sudden "HE says this and HE says that and HE wants this and HE wants that." .......WELL GOOD.......Let him go seek his happiness on his own. And if he's decided he made a mistake in 29 years?????? Then he WOULD NOT......WOULD NOT be coming back to you now......in the state y ou are in and FORCING THINGS and DATES one you.....HE HASN"T LEARNED ONE THING ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED. Maybe he's sorry.....maybe he feels bad.....but HE HAS LEARNED ..........NOTHING ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.....because if he did know? He'd know right now? You ........YOU........do not need to be PUSHED into ANYTHING.....you need space, time, therapy.....and you need to go back into your life......REGRESSIVELY......with a trained therapist........ To find that place IN YOUR LIFE/ TIME.......that made you start making the choices that you did......that led you to live the life that you have.......which made you so UNHAPPY......so that you can PROGRESS and change the mapping in your mind......to RETHINK the way you do. OBVIOUSLY without retraining......a gymnast that has bad habits is going to continually make the same mistake.....may be aware of it, and try to fix it...but without TRAINING.....they don't know how to CORRECT the problelm and do the stunt PROPERLY that keeps them on top of their game. NOTHING is different about life.....about relationships. FIX YOU.......FIND you.......FEEL what you felt.....ALLOW yourself the time it will take to figure out what you need to figure out......and for pete sake....TELL your therapist how you feel about his age, and don't be shy. He can't work with you IF you already doubt his abilities....let HIM tell you WHY he's a right fit for you. If he's not? Being honest maybe he'll recommend you to someone that you feel better with or maybe being honest you just GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY.......and move forward with this 30 year old genius. I know because the last guy I saw for my new job......was about 30 and I said.....If my son had not died I would have a kid as old as you......I don't feel comfortable talking to you. So he told me about his life, his credentials......and I got to make a choice if I believed him or not. Turns out for 30 -----he'd let a pretty unsheltered life and had an idea where I was coming from per the job interview questions......and as it turns out I was marked as the most honest in the group. I questioned his test.....I questioned him.....and it made me a perfect candidate for the job I was going for.....and my new thought process was.....WELL if I'm not meant for this? I'll know......and it's better to know now........and if I am meant for it......at least I'm honest and he'll know where I'm coming from. You need that with your shrink.......He's going to delve into your deepest thoughts.....WHY start a relationship out on ......I don't. Be honest. MOSTLY with yourself. And then if he can help you? Good. If not? Move on. As far as the rest in life? I can tell you I took a break from therapy AFTER I left my x.....I thought WELL HE"S gone....and I'm free.....and ........(insert laugh here ) I found myself rooming with a paranoid schizophrenic with MPD.....5 or 6 the doctor at the psychiatric hospital told us. And the things that he did in 3 short months were ...WOW. Then I took time off......saw NO ONE.......had NO ONE......and well when I met DF I literally stepped outside and looked up at God and said "REALLY GOD?????? Is this some kind of a test? You sent me a BIKER? Some great therapist I have." and I avoided Mr Bad Boy like the plague, but he kept showing up in my life and was a perfect gentleman.....even held my hair when I got drunk and threw up. Yup.....whatta guy. And 13 years later? Well We're best friends....and while there are things we both roll our eyes over from each other? He told me the sexiest thing about me when we met was my brain and my attitude. And trust me......I was cute. (not like Rudolph cute) I was a sexy beast. And when I got to be 300 lbs? I was still a sexy beast.....just well.....a bigger, not so healthy beast. But what a brain.....lol. (his words not mine) -----and yet he still whips me at jeopardy. Go figure. I want that for you......I want you to reak of self-confidence, and self assuredness in all aspects of your life. I want you to know that when you draw a line in the sand and say NO......you MEAN.....no. And without guilt. I want your heart to be happy when you wake up in the morning KNOW that you are here for a WONDERFUL reason and a good life. Because you deserve it. Not because you earned it.....on someone elses say so. SEEK the Katya that wants to fix the things in your life.....and be ridiculously happy......make that your goal.....RIDICULOUSLY happy. (or whatever adjective you want) but HAPPY should be in there somewhere.....(I think) I love You Kat......You're not so damaged. You just need (and fill in the blanks here and go for it) mk? Hugs & Love STar [/QUOTE]
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