Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Dilemma re ex-husband
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 564736" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Thanks so much for all your wisdom - everyone here has such good thoughts and advice. Star, I completely relate to being in survival mode. I was in that mode all through the 1990s, to the point where I didn't raise my head long enough to really look at what was happening, I just made it through one day at a time. Until the day my ex pushed my face into the floor. That was my breaking point; he left the house to golf and I was unable to compose myself. I ended up calling the local women's shelter and DV counseling agency, and I was crying so hard they couldn't even understand me. But until then I had not stopped and added it all up, as ridiculous as that sounds - not once. I do have a lot of guilt that it took me so long; I wonder all the time how different things would have been for my kids if I'd left years sooner. But I didn't recognize it until very late, and once I did, I took steps - like you say, I did the best I could at the time, and when I knew more I did better (love Maya Angelou!). </p><p></p><p>And the not feeling worth anything stuff ... I was so demoralized by the late 1990s that I couldn't hold two coherent thoughts together, couldn't make a decision. I wasn't in any shape to go back to medical practice then. But recently, when I got played ... I didn't think I was worth nothing (not consciously), but I sure didn't hold myself in high regard in terms of the treatment I accepted. Then when he dumped me so brutally I really felt worthless, like I just wasn't ... enough, wasn't good enough somehow. I know it's related to having been beaten down for so long and having no concept of healthy self-regard or self-esteem. None. So I know I need to be on my own now for a long time, maybe forever. I don't want ever to wake up and realize I've done it to myself again, allowed a man to treat me badly again. But I don't know how to be that person who expects reasonable, respectful treatment. That sounds terrible when I read it over. However, I think it's true. I grew up with a horribly abusive mother and never developed any idea that I deserved basic fairness or respect. Just never learned to think that way. I met my ex at 18 and have been with him ever since, so I never lived on my own and learned some of these things.</p><p></p><p>Living alone sounds and feels good right now. All I know is that I have nothing to offer anyone else until I figure out my own boundaries, my own likes and dislikes, what gives me joy and what makes me shudder. Some of these things I know, but not in terms of boundaries and confidence. Lots to work on. I don't expect to find love in the future, I'd be just so happy to wake up in the morning happy, excited to be going to whatever work I was doing, feeling like I was making a difference. That's a big issue for me - have felt so squashed all my adult life that being diagnosed with cancer felt like I was going to die without ever making a mark, making a difference to anybody, just disappear into the ground. Now, I do know that my life matters to my kids ... but I hadn't accomplished any of my dreams. I had failed at a lot of things, big personal failures, and I just felt that my life was a big zero. Now I want to accomplish a few things that may not be earth-shaking but which I'll be able to look at and say, I did that! It's personal goals - now I have the chance to go after some of them. Once I fix a few things!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 564736, member: 2884"] Thanks so much for all your wisdom - everyone here has such good thoughts and advice. Star, I completely relate to being in survival mode. I was in that mode all through the 1990s, to the point where I didn't raise my head long enough to really look at what was happening, I just made it through one day at a time. Until the day my ex pushed my face into the floor. That was my breaking point; he left the house to golf and I was unable to compose myself. I ended up calling the local women's shelter and DV counseling agency, and I was crying so hard they couldn't even understand me. But until then I had not stopped and added it all up, as ridiculous as that sounds - not once. I do have a lot of guilt that it took me so long; I wonder all the time how different things would have been for my kids if I'd left years sooner. But I didn't recognize it until very late, and once I did, I took steps - like you say, I did the best I could at the time, and when I knew more I did better (love Maya Angelou!). And the not feeling worth anything stuff ... I was so demoralized by the late 1990s that I couldn't hold two coherent thoughts together, couldn't make a decision. I wasn't in any shape to go back to medical practice then. But recently, when I got played ... I didn't think I was worth nothing (not consciously), but I sure didn't hold myself in high regard in terms of the treatment I accepted. Then when he dumped me so brutally I really felt worthless, like I just wasn't ... enough, wasn't good enough somehow. I know it's related to having been beaten down for so long and having no concept of healthy self-regard or self-esteem. None. So I know I need to be on my own now for a long time, maybe forever. I don't want ever to wake up and realize I've done it to myself again, allowed a man to treat me badly again. But I don't know how to be that person who expects reasonable, respectful treatment. That sounds terrible when I read it over. However, I think it's true. I grew up with a horribly abusive mother and never developed any idea that I deserved basic fairness or respect. Just never learned to think that way. I met my ex at 18 and have been with him ever since, so I never lived on my own and learned some of these things. Living alone sounds and feels good right now. All I know is that I have nothing to offer anyone else until I figure out my own boundaries, my own likes and dislikes, what gives me joy and what makes me shudder. Some of these things I know, but not in terms of boundaries and confidence. Lots to work on. I don't expect to find love in the future, I'd be just so happy to wake up in the morning happy, excited to be going to whatever work I was doing, feeling like I was making a difference. That's a big issue for me - have felt so squashed all my adult life that being diagnosed with cancer felt like I was going to die without ever making a mark, making a difference to anybody, just disappear into the ground. Now, I do know that my life matters to my kids ... but I hadn't accomplished any of my dreams. I had failed at a lot of things, big personal failures, and I just felt that my life was a big zero. Now I want to accomplish a few things that may not be earth-shaking but which I'll be able to look at and say, I did that! It's personal goals - now I have the chance to go after some of them. Once I fix a few things! [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Dilemma re ex-husband
Top