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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 565125" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>You know there are a couple of things in reading your reply to my reply that stick out.....</p><p></p><p>One you state with much candor that you ENJOY (and I'm not even paraphrasing here-just trying to remember in essence) what you are doing NOW. The writing that you have when you speak about YOU NOW? Is flowing and happy and I would imagine if I had been behind you while typing? It would have been faster, light, near airy. Then you talked about the men in your life...and their behavior towards you and you go right to the words FOREVER, not so much as in THEM, but as in your own SELF and being alone. Interesting. When you see yourself happy; you're in the now, doing, accomplishing.....but when you see yourself with the men YOU picture....it's alone, forever. I think you've answered your own basic questions about what to do (although I'm not judging...you could run right back to either-not my life) it's merely an observation. </p><p></p><p>With regards to your childhood? To me? And as a parallel in therapy? I think that's another key in your life. The way I understood it and on a VERY basic level - because I'm a very basic person...As children our brains are growing and seeking and forming how we're going to be for the rest of our lives. If you can think of it as several pathways that fork off in a woods and close and fork off and continually fork off ----those are our life paths and how we make choices. PEOPLE and SITUATIONS in those forks in our roads AFFECT our brains as we mature and make us the people we become. If we are NURTURED.....as we travel? We have less problems and better paths to a well mind. If we are NOT nurtured, and go down our paths in our brains.....and fork off with ANGER, MENTAL illness, FIGHTING, ABUSE, Hatred....Drugs, ALcoholism, Sexual abuse....then our fork in the road becomes different than it would have and we get new "adjusted" coping skills. Self-taught coping skills so we survive that path we're put on. If we NEVER get help to get back over to a NURTURING path ----or a HEALTHY path.....that time inour lives where that most ABUSE started, or happend? IS where our brains sort of freeze....and stunt.....and THAT is the point that our emotional growth builds on. That is the foundation for the rest of our lives decisions, choices, and if we have no GOOD foundations to go on.....it's VERY HARD......to make good choices later in life. That's how it was explained to me why Dude is....as he is....a difficult child. At 3.5 years old.....he had a traumatic, life changing event that stunted his emotional growth.....and I didn't know about it until much later.....(about 10 years old) .......but by then? He had seen so much abuse, and so much violence that it has taken YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of all the things that we've done, and tried....to undo what was done. He's 22 -----you're how old? And you've had HOW many years of abuse?? </p><p></p><p>The about average in therapy depending on how well you work with your therapist, how traumatic your life was, etc......is 2-3 years in therapy for 1 year of abuse in your life. Because you are getting on average 1 hour of therapy a week.....that's like 52 hours a year vs how many years of your life to unfold like philo dough.....your life is SO much more delicate and you have to sit and peel through layers and layers of emotional junk and then add in CHILDREN......and THEIR guilt.......and HUSBANDS.....and THEIR guilt......and PARENTS getting older.....and THEIR GUILT......and WOW.....I mean....see? It's very diffcult to work through it all.....BUT.....If you get a therapist that you TRUST, are HONEST with.....and (that takes time because at this point Kat? You trust NO ONE-----allow yourself THAT honesty) And build a relationship with your therapist.....and learn first.....????? To love yourself.....TRULY and HONESTLY accept yourself for WHO you are mistakes, flaw, and triumphs. YOU ARE a PHENOMINAL woman. You are a SUPERB Mother....You ARE without a doubt....A SURVIOR.....and VERY VERY LOVED BY MANY MANY people. But I can tell you this all day. Until YOU start to believe it? Nothing else is going to matter. And you have NOT grieved for the person that you are YET....not completely......not to the point of FORGIVING yourself. That takes time.....with a professional......and Once you do THAT? Guess what? Then you have to learn how to HATE him.......and then FORGIVE him.....and THAT's another few years .....lol....but it comes. And in the mean time? YOU CAN find happiness....whether it's ALONE (which doesn't sound bad actually) but don't be lonely.....and if the whole world goes to Waffles? I'm still here....yammering on.....and on......and on. </p><p></p><p>I love you kiddo! Hugs ------ Star (who hopes this makes some forky sense)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 565125, member: 4964"] You know there are a couple of things in reading your reply to my reply that stick out..... One you state with much candor that you ENJOY (and I'm not even paraphrasing here-just trying to remember in essence) what you are doing NOW. The writing that you have when you speak about YOU NOW? Is flowing and happy and I would imagine if I had been behind you while typing? It would have been faster, light, near airy. Then you talked about the men in your life...and their behavior towards you and you go right to the words FOREVER, not so much as in THEM, but as in your own SELF and being alone. Interesting. When you see yourself happy; you're in the now, doing, accomplishing.....but when you see yourself with the men YOU picture....it's alone, forever. I think you've answered your own basic questions about what to do (although I'm not judging...you could run right back to either-not my life) it's merely an observation. With regards to your childhood? To me? And as a parallel in therapy? I think that's another key in your life. The way I understood it and on a VERY basic level - because I'm a very basic person...As children our brains are growing and seeking and forming how we're going to be for the rest of our lives. If you can think of it as several pathways that fork off in a woods and close and fork off and continually fork off ----those are our life paths and how we make choices. PEOPLE and SITUATIONS in those forks in our roads AFFECT our brains as we mature and make us the people we become. If we are NURTURED.....as we travel? We have less problems and better paths to a well mind. If we are NOT nurtured, and go down our paths in our brains.....and fork off with ANGER, MENTAL illness, FIGHTING, ABUSE, Hatred....Drugs, ALcoholism, Sexual abuse....then our fork in the road becomes different than it would have and we get new "adjusted" coping skills. Self-taught coping skills so we survive that path we're put on. If we NEVER get help to get back over to a NURTURING path ----or a HEALTHY path.....that time inour lives where that most ABUSE started, or happend? IS where our brains sort of freeze....and stunt.....and THAT is the point that our emotional growth builds on. That is the foundation for the rest of our lives decisions, choices, and if we have no GOOD foundations to go on.....it's VERY HARD......to make good choices later in life. That's how it was explained to me why Dude is....as he is....a difficult child. At 3.5 years old.....he had a traumatic, life changing event that stunted his emotional growth.....and I didn't know about it until much later.....(about 10 years old) .......but by then? He had seen so much abuse, and so much violence that it has taken YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of all the things that we've done, and tried....to undo what was done. He's 22 -----you're how old? And you've had HOW many years of abuse?? The about average in therapy depending on how well you work with your therapist, how traumatic your life was, etc......is 2-3 years in therapy for 1 year of abuse in your life. Because you are getting on average 1 hour of therapy a week.....that's like 52 hours a year vs how many years of your life to unfold like philo dough.....your life is SO much more delicate and you have to sit and peel through layers and layers of emotional junk and then add in CHILDREN......and THEIR guilt.......and HUSBANDS.....and THEIR guilt......and PARENTS getting older.....and THEIR GUILT......and WOW.....I mean....see? It's very diffcult to work through it all.....BUT.....If you get a therapist that you TRUST, are HONEST with.....and (that takes time because at this point Kat? You trust NO ONE-----allow yourself THAT honesty) And build a relationship with your therapist.....and learn first.....????? To love yourself.....TRULY and HONESTLY accept yourself for WHO you are mistakes, flaw, and triumphs. YOU ARE a PHENOMINAL woman. You are a SUPERB Mother....You ARE without a doubt....A SURVIOR.....and VERY VERY LOVED BY MANY MANY people. But I can tell you this all day. Until YOU start to believe it? Nothing else is going to matter. And you have NOT grieved for the person that you are YET....not completely......not to the point of FORGIVING yourself. That takes time.....with a professional......and Once you do THAT? Guess what? Then you have to learn how to HATE him.......and then FORGIVE him.....and THAT's another few years .....lol....but it comes. And in the mean time? YOU CAN find happiness....whether it's ALONE (which doesn't sound bad actually) but don't be lonely.....and if the whole world goes to Waffles? I'm still here....yammering on.....and on......and on. I love you kiddo! Hugs ------ Star (who hopes this makes some forky sense) [/QUOTE]
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