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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 565245" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>You all give me so much to think about. I was a little astonished that so many people saw huge red flags and felt I'm being abused right now. I see red flags, I know my ex is putting pressure on, but I didn't see it so much as abuse until I wrote out the advice everyone gave, and the things I said in my posts (which are a tiny tip of the iceberg, no surprise), and then a few things I didn't mention - not deliberately, just didn't bring them up - but when written out make me so embarrassed that I can't even own up to them. Looking at things objectively, he's gotten his hooks back into me deep, deep. I wouldn't even admit to my sons how deep. And yet he's always so concerned, so helpful, so attentive ... and I know, this is the honeymoon. But lol, I've never had one! He never, in the past, felt it necessary! One of my books says that's typical in upper-middle-class abusive situations, that the honeymoon phase never actually happens because the abuser feels so entitled. That was our reality. This is the first honeymoon phase I've ever had. And boy howdy, it's effective - makes me feel grateful, indebted, hopeful, all those things I read about. I can tell my daughter about the cycle of abuse until I'm blue in the face, point out how her recent ex-boyfriend was a classic case (I didn't point it out, just gently led her to realize it herself), but here I am feeling like I owe my ex for all he's done this summer and fall. (Here's where I'd tear my hair out if it hadn't already fallen out ...) </p><p></p><p>I've read that the average number of times an abused woman leaves her abuser, before successfully getting out, is seven. This is number 3 for me, although number 1 was pretty pathetic and probably doesn't count. Now, I'm not going for 7, don't get me wrong! But I see the incredible difficulty in getting away. My oldest son said a while ago that I'm just too close, geographically - that he wished I'd moved across the country for my training program so that my ex wouldn't have such easy access. He's right. It's so much harder to be within an easy drive. </p><p></p><p>If I need 2-3 years of therapy for every year of abuse, I'll need 24-36 years!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite7" alt=":p" title="Stick Out Tongue :p" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":p" /> And that's just for the bad stuff from diagnosis, nothing for the origin of it all, my narcissistic abusive mother. Learning to survive around HER until I was 17 and could get out taught me to survive, but not in a good way. And definitely set me up for the future. Still, therapy sounds good. I did have some prior to my attempt to leave in 1999, and I touched base again last spring. I'll try to get something set up here. </p><p></p><p>Meanwhile ... have to get ready for chemo#3 tomorrow, so much academic stuff to do. I'm getting nervous that I won't get it all done in time. So, back to the books for now. The steroids keep me up at night though, so I may be back later ... <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Oh yeah, one little bit of humor in the day ... I was in clinic this morning with three of the attending physicians. We were in the work room where someone makes really, really awful coffee every morning. One of the attendings, a guy who is serious and polite and very Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), sipped his coffee and said, "Now this coffee'll make you grow hair where your skin is smooth!". And I said, "Well, I'll have to have some, then!". He looked at me in complete horror and turned ten shades of dark red.I had to assure him and the others that I was joking, truly. They had a good chuckle once they realized I wasn't about to fly into hysterics.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 565245, member: 2884"] You all give me so much to think about. I was a little astonished that so many people saw huge red flags and felt I'm being abused right now. I see red flags, I know my ex is putting pressure on, but I didn't see it so much as abuse until I wrote out the advice everyone gave, and the things I said in my posts (which are a tiny tip of the iceberg, no surprise), and then a few things I didn't mention - not deliberately, just didn't bring them up - but when written out make me so embarrassed that I can't even own up to them. Looking at things objectively, he's gotten his hooks back into me deep, deep. I wouldn't even admit to my sons how deep. And yet he's always so concerned, so helpful, so attentive ... and I know, this is the honeymoon. But lol, I've never had one! He never, in the past, felt it necessary! One of my books says that's typical in upper-middle-class abusive situations, that the honeymoon phase never actually happens because the abuser feels so entitled. That was our reality. This is the first honeymoon phase I've ever had. And boy howdy, it's effective - makes me feel grateful, indebted, hopeful, all those things I read about. I can tell my daughter about the cycle of abuse until I'm blue in the face, point out how her recent ex-boyfriend was a classic case (I didn't point it out, just gently led her to realize it herself), but here I am feeling like I owe my ex for all he's done this summer and fall. (Here's where I'd tear my hair out if it hadn't already fallen out ...) I've read that the average number of times an abused woman leaves her abuser, before successfully getting out, is seven. This is number 3 for me, although number 1 was pretty pathetic and probably doesn't count. Now, I'm not going for 7, don't get me wrong! But I see the incredible difficulty in getting away. My oldest son said a while ago that I'm just too close, geographically - that he wished I'd moved across the country for my training program so that my ex wouldn't have such easy access. He's right. It's so much harder to be within an easy drive. If I need 2-3 years of therapy for every year of abuse, I'll need 24-36 years!!! :P And that's just for the bad stuff from diagnosis, nothing for the origin of it all, my narcissistic abusive mother. Learning to survive around HER until I was 17 and could get out taught me to survive, but not in a good way. And definitely set me up for the future. Still, therapy sounds good. I did have some prior to my attempt to leave in 1999, and I touched base again last spring. I'll try to get something set up here. Meanwhile ... have to get ready for chemo#3 tomorrow, so much academic stuff to do. I'm getting nervous that I won't get it all done in time. So, back to the books for now. The steroids keep me up at night though, so I may be back later ... :) Oh yeah, one little bit of humor in the day ... I was in clinic this morning with three of the attending physicians. We were in the work room where someone makes really, really awful coffee every morning. One of the attendings, a guy who is serious and polite and very Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), sipped his coffee and said, "Now this coffee'll make you grow hair where your skin is smooth!". And I said, "Well, I'll have to have some, then!". He looked at me in complete horror and turned ten shades of dark red.I had to assure him and the others that I was joking, truly. They had a good chuckle once they realized I wasn't about to fly into hysterics. [/QUOTE]
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