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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 565394" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I can completely see ........drinking the coffee at the clinic. lol......it's good you have such a wonderful sense of humor. I'm sorry you're doing chemo today.....(((((hugs))))) </p><p></p><p>Kat - whatever you have done, feel you've done, think you've "ALLOWED" your ex to do....or the fact that there may be some guilty pleasure in actually seeing someone that you once, cared about and shared the majority of your life with.....DOING things for you in a way that you had hoped and dreamed all your life he WOULD be like? Isn't the end of the world. WHO among us wouldn't like to be treated every day.....like we FEEL we're supposed to be treated all our lives? Especially if we got a break in the abuse and thought ........"I only stayed because"......and "IF he would just"......and "OH now he is sorta".......and this is lethal thinking. </p><p></p><p>Nothing that has been done can not be UNDONE, and as far as him having his hooks in you? Well kid - the VERY FACT that you're here, writing us, with what you ARE willing to share and admitting openly......"You know girls....I'm not sure this really feels right." Tells me ----You're not as invested in the honeymoon as you think. At the risk of sounding strange, or actually brutally honest....(because I think at the end this is what I did truth be told).....When I recognized the circle of abuse, and it's phases? I think a part of my brain actually teetered from survival to experimental mode in those last few months and call it what you will.....I think I allowed him to do the honeymoon thing (short that it was) but REALLY egged it on, and tried my best to make him feel WORSE (which at that time I had know idea he was a sociopath/psychopath) trying to make him do MORE for me to EVEN that mental score. It didn't work the way I hoped it did....mostly because he was only going through motions.......to get what HE WANTED. When I figured THAT out, and that I wasn't as clever as I thought? It was over. Like I said it's a shameful thing to admit - because now? I can say without a doubt when I'm done? I'm done. You lie? I'm done. You cheat? I'm done. You raise a hand to me? It better be to waive good bye or hello or you're going to have a 5 fingered rectal thermometer of your own apendages. And I LIKE the fact that when I say NO.....I mean no....and when I say Sorry - I mean it. And when I hear the words....I love you....I BELIVE it. That took the longest. </p><p></p><p>There are many stages that you work through in anger and grief, and self loath, self forgiveness....self awareness, love....guilt...it's all really a second ride of a lifetime. Personally? I did 3x a week for 15 years..small breaks here and there...but the last 7 years ---faithful and eventually EMDR, which due to the level of PTSD I had? Worth every minute I can't remember at all.....lol. I just know the mapping in my brain is different and I think differently and react differently....and I don't need to move. But if a fresh start would help you? Get packing. You need to start thinking about WHAT IS BEST FOR KATYA.....because what makes HER smile, and laugh and see the world clearly, and upbeat, and with compassion, and shrewd choices for herslelf......wiill ULTIMATELY be how her children react to her as well. You're setting an example. The best one you can set for your kids is the one you set for yourself. </p><p></p><p>Hugs -------Feel well soon.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 565394, member: 4964"] I can completely see ........drinking the coffee at the clinic. lol......it's good you have such a wonderful sense of humor. I'm sorry you're doing chemo today.....(((((hugs))))) Kat - whatever you have done, feel you've done, think you've "ALLOWED" your ex to do....or the fact that there may be some guilty pleasure in actually seeing someone that you once, cared about and shared the majority of your life with.....DOING things for you in a way that you had hoped and dreamed all your life he WOULD be like? Isn't the end of the world. WHO among us wouldn't like to be treated every day.....like we FEEL we're supposed to be treated all our lives? Especially if we got a break in the abuse and thought ........"I only stayed because"......and "IF he would just"......and "OH now he is sorta".......and this is lethal thinking. Nothing that has been done can not be UNDONE, and as far as him having his hooks in you? Well kid - the VERY FACT that you're here, writing us, with what you ARE willing to share and admitting openly......"You know girls....I'm not sure this really feels right." Tells me ----You're not as invested in the honeymoon as you think. At the risk of sounding strange, or actually brutally honest....(because I think at the end this is what I did truth be told).....When I recognized the circle of abuse, and it's phases? I think a part of my brain actually teetered from survival to experimental mode in those last few months and call it what you will.....I think I allowed him to do the honeymoon thing (short that it was) but REALLY egged it on, and tried my best to make him feel WORSE (which at that time I had know idea he was a sociopath/psychopath) trying to make him do MORE for me to EVEN that mental score. It didn't work the way I hoped it did....mostly because he was only going through motions.......to get what HE WANTED. When I figured THAT out, and that I wasn't as clever as I thought? It was over. Like I said it's a shameful thing to admit - because now? I can say without a doubt when I'm done? I'm done. You lie? I'm done. You cheat? I'm done. You raise a hand to me? It better be to waive good bye or hello or you're going to have a 5 fingered rectal thermometer of your own apendages. And I LIKE the fact that when I say NO.....I mean no....and when I say Sorry - I mean it. And when I hear the words....I love you....I BELIVE it. That took the longest. There are many stages that you work through in anger and grief, and self loath, self forgiveness....self awareness, love....guilt...it's all really a second ride of a lifetime. Personally? I did 3x a week for 15 years..small breaks here and there...but the last 7 years ---faithful and eventually EMDR, which due to the level of PTSD I had? Worth every minute I can't remember at all.....lol. I just know the mapping in my brain is different and I think differently and react differently....and I don't need to move. But if a fresh start would help you? Get packing. You need to start thinking about WHAT IS BEST FOR KATYA.....because what makes HER smile, and laugh and see the world clearly, and upbeat, and with compassion, and shrewd choices for herslelf......wiill ULTIMATELY be how her children react to her as well. You're setting an example. The best one you can set for your kids is the one you set for yourself. Hugs -------Feel well soon. [/QUOTE]
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