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disengaging essay..for stepparents
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<blockquote data-source="post: 4397"><p>I stay at home too..</p><p></p><p>When I spoke to my husband about this..</p><p></p><p>we compromised... 11 y.o. difficult child was allowed two or three phone calls per day...and after that he would simply have to wait until his father got home.</p><p></p><p>If he raged while he "waited" he could do so in his room. If no raging, then he could play around inside the house, watch tv, play computer etc.</p><p></p><p>the bonus: for every three days difficult child's had good/decent behavior (good, not perfect remember) we'd go to the pool(or another fun place), and 11 y.o. difficult child could bring a friend--(remember what I said about doing the FUN stuff!!!???)</p><p></p><p>If meals were a problem, then I would ask my husband to make sack lunches and sometimes a "sack breakfast" at night or in the morning before he went to work! (sometimes would have difficult child help husband or me make his lunch--the night before. I simply grew tired of 11 y.o. difficult child complaining about whatever food I made.)</p><p></p><p>The "morning routine" in our home is that first you bathe, dress, make up your bed etc. THEN you get breakfast. did we hear alot of complaints about this at first? Absolutely, but things tend to run much smoother if the eating is left until "later" or almost last. (better to just have the "have you brushed your teeth" issue than to have a raging child/children clad in pajamas and arguing with you as to "why he cannot go outside and play in his jammies etc."</p><p></p><p>as for the "eating properly"..</p><p></p><p>here is our "deal" with 11 y.o. difficult child..</p><p></p><p>if he simply cannot eat properly then 1. he eats alone at the table and at least tries to use his manners (because the other siblings complain about his eating habits/manners and typically an argument ensues) or he can eat however he would like to in his room. (where sack lunch comes in handy).</p><p></p><p>For us, this wasn't even a punishment thing..and with the above options I found that 11 y.o. difficult child would "mix and match" sometimes he'd do well eating with other, sometimes he just wanted to eat alone at the table, other times he would eat in his room. (it's no longer an argument or a battle).</p><p></p><p>Also have difficult child ask your husband the NIGHT before if he can go and play etc.</p><p></p><p>for ex.</p><p></p><p>difficult child: "Dad can I go out and play tomorrow"</p><p></p><p>husband: "yes, as long as your chores are done, you have eaten, are dressed for the day, your bed is made etc. etc. And listen to Dee if she tells you to come in etc. etc. etc."</p><p></p><p>Then, YOU can say, "sorry difficult child...but your dad said you needed to have _____ done before you go out to play. As long as you get ___ done you may go outside and play for ____. </p><p></p><p>This is how we did it and it worked surprisingly well. Despite husband having to do alot more work! LOL</p><p></p><p>But I simply told my husband, that if THIS is working, then he is doing what NEEDS to be done and what a great father he was etc..(although he still grumbles massively about doing 11 y.o. difficult child's laundry LOL! I keep suggesting to him that he take 11 y.o. difficult child to the laundry mat and let him do it himself!)</p><p></p><p></p><p>Remember like any idea/plan, you have to shape/mold it to suit your needs.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>------------------</p><p>3 difficult children(11b,15b,13g), 1 easy child(4g), 11 y.o.difficult child--odd/add/adhd/bi-polar/anxiety/ptsd the only difficult child needing medications at this time. 1200mg lithium, 50 mg thorazine(antipsychotic), 10 mg prozac, .2mg ddavp(eneuresis)</p><p>13 y.o.-significantly depressed,add/ptsd</p><p>15 y.o.--add/adhd/odd/depression/ptsd--on imiprimine for depression/anxiety)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE=", post: 4397"] I stay at home too.. When I spoke to my husband about this.. we compromised... 11 y.o. difficult child was allowed two or three phone calls per day...and after that he would simply have to wait until his father got home. If he raged while he "waited" he could do so in his room. If no raging, then he could play around inside the house, watch tv, play computer etc. the bonus: for every three days difficult child's had good/decent behavior (good, not perfect remember) we'd go to the pool(or another fun place), and 11 y.o. difficult child could bring a friend--(remember what I said about doing the FUN stuff!!!???) If meals were a problem, then I would ask my husband to make sack lunches and sometimes a "sack breakfast" at night or in the morning before he went to work! (sometimes would have difficult child help husband or me make his lunch--the night before. I simply grew tired of 11 y.o. difficult child complaining about whatever food I made.) The "morning routine" in our home is that first you bathe, dress, make up your bed etc. THEN you get breakfast. did we hear alot of complaints about this at first? Absolutely, but things tend to run much smoother if the eating is left until "later" or almost last. (better to just have the "have you brushed your teeth" issue than to have a raging child/children clad in pajamas and arguing with you as to "why he cannot go outside and play in his jammies etc." as for the "eating properly".. here is our "deal" with 11 y.o. difficult child.. if he simply cannot eat properly then 1. he eats alone at the table and at least tries to use his manners (because the other siblings complain about his eating habits/manners and typically an argument ensues) or he can eat however he would like to in his room. (where sack lunch comes in handy). For us, this wasn't even a punishment thing..and with the above options I found that 11 y.o. difficult child would "mix and match" sometimes he'd do well eating with other, sometimes he just wanted to eat alone at the table, other times he would eat in his room. (it's no longer an argument or a battle). Also have difficult child ask your husband the NIGHT before if he can go and play etc. for ex. difficult child: "Dad can I go out and play tomorrow" husband: "yes, as long as your chores are done, you have eaten, are dressed for the day, your bed is made etc. etc. And listen to Dee if she tells you to come in etc. etc. etc." Then, YOU can say, "sorry difficult child...but your dad said you needed to have _____ done before you go out to play. As long as you get ___ done you may go outside and play for ____. This is how we did it and it worked surprisingly well. Despite husband having to do alot more work! LOL But I simply told my husband, that if THIS is working, then he is doing what NEEDS to be done and what a great father he was etc..(although he still grumbles massively about doing 11 y.o. difficult child's laundry LOL! I keep suggesting to him that he take 11 y.o. difficult child to the laundry mat and let him do it himself!) Remember like any idea/plan, you have to shape/mold it to suit your needs. ------------------ 3 difficult children(11b,15b,13g), 1 easy child(4g), 11 y.o.difficult child--odd/add/adhd/bi-polar/anxiety/ptsd the only difficult child needing medications at this time. 1200mg lithium, 50 mg thorazine(antipsychotic), 10 mg prozac, .2mg ddavp(eneuresis) 13 y.o.-significantly depressed,add/ptsd 15 y.o.--add/adhd/odd/depression/ptsd--on imiprimine for depression/anxiety) [/QUOTE]
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