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disengaging essay..for stepparents
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<blockquote data-quote="atexlaw" data-source="post: 719170" data-attributes="member: 22272"><p>So glad I found this thread. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has two kids - 15 YO boy and a 12 YO girl. I have a 21 yo daughter who's in college. My daughter and I have always been close. She has her moments but nothing that prepared me for The Boy. My fiancés daughter is wonderful. It's just the boy. </p><p></p><p>I've been with my fiancé for just over two years. Until recently, he was awful to everyone but me. For our first two years, he seemed to have a grudging respect for me. Unfortunately, after we went on a recent family trip, I finally lost all my patience with him as he was abusive to my daughter as well as to his sister. Once I lost my cool with him, he seemed to have realized that he can get under my skin too, and now has turned his attention to me. </p><p></p><p>In a nutshell, he has oppositional defiant disorder. No question. His mother is a therapist, and has diagnosed him with that. Yet she seems unable or unwilling to help him with it. He goes to no therapy. He only takes medication for his ADD but not when we see him on weekends. </p><p></p><p>After the latest episode - in which he told me "go f$&@ing kill yourself" because I would not give him my Netflix password since he had been so disrespectful -- I had concluded that the only way I can keep my sanity is to disengage. Fortunately, my fiancé is very supportive of me, but he doesn't seem to know how to help this kid. </p><p></p><p> So disengaging is now my plan. I am not going to help him with any benefits or privileges. He will have to do everything through his father. I certainly want them to spend time together, and I'm not going to completely go away, but I am not going to be the one to make the plans or to try to discipline or to provide benefits and privileges. Up to this point, I had made everything happen. Computer. Phone. New bedroom furniture. Nice vacations. Etc. No more. </p><p></p><p>We have the kids only every other weekend, so I don't have to worry about full-time parenting. </p><p></p><p>I'm still very concerned for this boy and I don't see much future for him - his ODD is severe and my fiancés whole family thinks he needs a special school. His mom won't help and I don't see how I can save this kid.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="atexlaw, post: 719170, member: 22272"] So glad I found this thread. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has two kids - 15 YO boy and a 12 YO girl. I have a 21 yo daughter who's in college. My daughter and I have always been close. She has her moments but nothing that prepared me for The Boy. My fiancés daughter is wonderful. It's just the boy. I've been with my fiancé for just over two years. Until recently, he was awful to everyone but me. For our first two years, he seemed to have a grudging respect for me. Unfortunately, after we went on a recent family trip, I finally lost all my patience with him as he was abusive to my daughter as well as to his sister. Once I lost my cool with him, he seemed to have realized that he can get under my skin too, and now has turned his attention to me. In a nutshell, he has oppositional defiant disorder. No question. His mother is a therapist, and has diagnosed him with that. Yet she seems unable or unwilling to help him with it. He goes to no therapy. He only takes medication for his ADD but not when we see him on weekends. After the latest episode - in which he told me "go f$&@ing kill yourself" because I would not give him my Netflix password since he had been so disrespectful -- I had concluded that the only way I can keep my sanity is to disengage. Fortunately, my fiancé is very supportive of me, but he doesn't seem to know how to help this kid. So disengaging is now my plan. I am not going to help him with any benefits or privileges. He will have to do everything through his father. I certainly want them to spend time together, and I'm not going to completely go away, but I am not going to be the one to make the plans or to try to discipline or to provide benefits and privileges. Up to this point, I had made everything happen. Computer. Phone. New bedroom furniture. Nice vacations. Etc. No more. We have the kids only every other weekend, so I don't have to worry about full-time parenting. I'm still very concerned for this boy and I don't see much future for him - his ODD is severe and my fiancés whole family thinks he needs a special school. His mom won't help and I don't see how I can save this kid. [/QUOTE]
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