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disgusted with my difficult child 2...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 363661" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You are right to be concerned, if tis is happening. If we're right and this is Asperger's, they learn habits FAST. And the habit you don't want them to learn (and, frankly, one the school taught difficult child 3) is that if you stall enough, the work goes away. That is a bad lesson and you need to get on the same page with the school, fast.</p><p></p><p>The problem is - NEVER give an ultimatum you can't be certain of winning, every time. it's better to not have the confrontation and the ultimatum, than to lose. That is the biggest reason for avoiding raging and confrontation - you get further if you lead, than if you push.</p><p></p><p>What we had to do - we cut back on the workload and made it as specific as we could. But then - the work sits there and still has to be done. I do offer incentives to get work completed, it does help. I also have helped develop strategies to break the task down into manageable bits. Mind-mapping has helped. For writing tasks, Aspies often have trouble if ANY task is too open-ended, something teachers don't get. You'll have a teacher saying, "I don't understand what the problem is - she can write about anything she likes, it doesn't have to be what I choose." Sometimes they do better if someone else specifies exactly what to write about.</p><p></p><p>Something that is bugging difficult child 3 at the moment with school topics - he wants to know how it is relevant to him. For example, Shakespeare - he sees it as "chick stuff". So today his English teacher & I both explained to him that when Shakespeare wrote his plays, they were written for a male audience, with male actors (even in the female roles). The only woman he ever wrote plays for was Queen Elizabeth I, who was an honorary man. I think explaining this helped him. I listened in on the lesson (I was in the next room but I could hear) and I know difficult child 3 was giving his teacher the right answers. But it took a one-on-one lesson with his teacher, plus the teacher being very patient and also knowing him well, to get any results. Hard work But positive results, any of them, set the framework for more positive results.</p><p></p><p>In your situation - let her rage. Wait her out. But then when she calms down, tell her quietly, "I know you don't like to hear this, but this has to be done. So let us work together to find a way to help you get this behind you."</p><p>Some tricks we've used besides showing her how to mind-map - offer her a very small reward (I use those mini-chocolate bars that are about two bites each) for half an hour's solid concentration on the task. Sometimes the objection is, "It's too much! I can't do it, it will take me forever!" and I get out of it by saying, "OK, let's just spend half an hour on it. But you have to be honest about it and for that half hour, really focus on it. Then after half an hour, we can take a break and play a short game together." </p><p></p><p>The school needs to cooperate also, and only send home the essential work not done. Also, you may need to keep her home from school for a day now and then and when she is home, use tat time to catch up. "School work during school hours" is a vital rule we used. </p><p></p><p>Aspies generally have a very keen sense of injustice, and if teachers are sending home work which she feels is make-work, if it's stuff she already knows well, she will be feeling resentful. But she is also likely to be reacting to tasks she finds challenging, and letting her get into the habit of avoiding it because it is too challenging, is setting up very bad habits for life. So if the class teacher can identify which really has to be done, and not make a fuss about the rest (for now, anyway) then you all might have a chance of getting somewhere.</p><p></p><p>In other words - in the sae way "Explosive Child" sets up a system of choosing only the essential behaviours to focus on, the set work should only include the stuff that MUST be done, rather than make-work or "let's make sure she really understands this."</p><p></p><p>An example here - difficult child 3 is good at maths. He also does NOT do well with revision. He can get very cranky if he's given the same problems he's done before. Because of the way his school works, there have been times when he's been given work that he's done in previous years. He will remember, and when the teacher has checked (after difficult child 3 insisted, "I've done this two years ago!") the evidence is there, difficult child 3 was correct.</p><p>And with the full agreement of difficult child 3's maths teacher, difficult child 3 was let off having to do every problem in his set maths work. All he was asked to do was the LAST problem in every set. if he found it easy, he could move on. If he found it a bit tricky, he was asked to do another, to make sure he understood the technique. Often the last problem was an optional "extension" problem - they were the ones the teacher wanted difficult child 3 to do. He could leave all the rest, because if he could do the extension work, then clearly he would be able to do the rest. But he is so slow in doing his schoolwork that it can quickly get away from him. So for the last four years, this is how difficult child 3 has done his maths schoolwork. And in his exams, difficult child 3 has still done well (apart form being slow to finish a paper). </p><p>From the point of view of difficult child 3's maths teacher, it has been more important to cover the curriculum material more broadly, than to only cover a small part of it in slower, more minute detail. And it seems to have worked.</p><p></p><p>Homework in general is often a disaster for these kids. We have a ghastly time trying to get difficult child 3 to do homework, or any schoolwork outside school hours. However, there are times when he wants to finish what he has begun and will continue after school hours have finished in order to complete what he started. The issue isn't keeping him working, it is getting him started in the first place. It's a task transition issue, mostly. Add in anxiety, and it's a big problem for anyone to overcome.</p><p></p><p>I try to think of things that can help ease anxiety. difficult child 3 is skinny, so I have no problem shoving food at him. Being hungry adds to anxiety (especially with teen males!) so I keep feeding him (finger food), especially when he's beavering away. He can nibble absentmindedly while he's working. Popcorn is good. Or if he has to watch a film for school - I make a bucket of popcorn and we snuggle under a blanket (it's winter here) to watch ti together. It all helps.</p><p></p><p>The easiest way to think of difficult child 3, is as a five year old genius. Some things he's really good at, but socially he's a little kid and lags a long way behind. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. always have somewhere to walk away to, when you need your personal space or you feel you've reached your limit.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 363661, member: 1991"] You are right to be concerned, if tis is happening. If we're right and this is Asperger's, they learn habits FAST. And the habit you don't want them to learn (and, frankly, one the school taught difficult child 3) is that if you stall enough, the work goes away. That is a bad lesson and you need to get on the same page with the school, fast. The problem is - NEVER give an ultimatum you can't be certain of winning, every time. it's better to not have the confrontation and the ultimatum, than to lose. That is the biggest reason for avoiding raging and confrontation - you get further if you lead, than if you push. What we had to do - we cut back on the workload and made it as specific as we could. But then - the work sits there and still has to be done. I do offer incentives to get work completed, it does help. I also have helped develop strategies to break the task down into manageable bits. Mind-mapping has helped. For writing tasks, Aspies often have trouble if ANY task is too open-ended, something teachers don't get. You'll have a teacher saying, "I don't understand what the problem is - she can write about anything she likes, it doesn't have to be what I choose." Sometimes they do better if someone else specifies exactly what to write about. Something that is bugging difficult child 3 at the moment with school topics - he wants to know how it is relevant to him. For example, Shakespeare - he sees it as "chick stuff". So today his English teacher & I both explained to him that when Shakespeare wrote his plays, they were written for a male audience, with male actors (even in the female roles). The only woman he ever wrote plays for was Queen Elizabeth I, who was an honorary man. I think explaining this helped him. I listened in on the lesson (I was in the next room but I could hear) and I know difficult child 3 was giving his teacher the right answers. But it took a one-on-one lesson with his teacher, plus the teacher being very patient and also knowing him well, to get any results. Hard work But positive results, any of them, set the framework for more positive results. In your situation - let her rage. Wait her out. But then when she calms down, tell her quietly, "I know you don't like to hear this, but this has to be done. So let us work together to find a way to help you get this behind you." Some tricks we've used besides showing her how to mind-map - offer her a very small reward (I use those mini-chocolate bars that are about two bites each) for half an hour's solid concentration on the task. Sometimes the objection is, "It's too much! I can't do it, it will take me forever!" and I get out of it by saying, "OK, let's just spend half an hour on it. But you have to be honest about it and for that half hour, really focus on it. Then after half an hour, we can take a break and play a short game together." The school needs to cooperate also, and only send home the essential work not done. Also, you may need to keep her home from school for a day now and then and when she is home, use tat time to catch up. "School work during school hours" is a vital rule we used. Aspies generally have a very keen sense of injustice, and if teachers are sending home work which she feels is make-work, if it's stuff she already knows well, she will be feeling resentful. But she is also likely to be reacting to tasks she finds challenging, and letting her get into the habit of avoiding it because it is too challenging, is setting up very bad habits for life. So if the class teacher can identify which really has to be done, and not make a fuss about the rest (for now, anyway) then you all might have a chance of getting somewhere. In other words - in the sae way "Explosive Child" sets up a system of choosing only the essential behaviours to focus on, the set work should only include the stuff that MUST be done, rather than make-work or "let's make sure she really understands this." An example here - difficult child 3 is good at maths. He also does NOT do well with revision. He can get very cranky if he's given the same problems he's done before. Because of the way his school works, there have been times when he's been given work that he's done in previous years. He will remember, and when the teacher has checked (after difficult child 3 insisted, "I've done this two years ago!") the evidence is there, difficult child 3 was correct. And with the full agreement of difficult child 3's maths teacher, difficult child 3 was let off having to do every problem in his set maths work. All he was asked to do was the LAST problem in every set. if he found it easy, he could move on. If he found it a bit tricky, he was asked to do another, to make sure he understood the technique. Often the last problem was an optional "extension" problem - they were the ones the teacher wanted difficult child 3 to do. He could leave all the rest, because if he could do the extension work, then clearly he would be able to do the rest. But he is so slow in doing his schoolwork that it can quickly get away from him. So for the last four years, this is how difficult child 3 has done his maths schoolwork. And in his exams, difficult child 3 has still done well (apart form being slow to finish a paper). From the point of view of difficult child 3's maths teacher, it has been more important to cover the curriculum material more broadly, than to only cover a small part of it in slower, more minute detail. And it seems to have worked. Homework in general is often a disaster for these kids. We have a ghastly time trying to get difficult child 3 to do homework, or any schoolwork outside school hours. However, there are times when he wants to finish what he has begun and will continue after school hours have finished in order to complete what he started. The issue isn't keeping him working, it is getting him started in the first place. It's a task transition issue, mostly. Add in anxiety, and it's a big problem for anyone to overcome. I try to think of things that can help ease anxiety. difficult child 3 is skinny, so I have no problem shoving food at him. Being hungry adds to anxiety (especially with teen males!) so I keep feeding him (finger food), especially when he's beavering away. He can nibble absentmindedly while he's working. Popcorn is good. Or if he has to watch a film for school - I make a bucket of popcorn and we snuggle under a blanket (it's winter here) to watch ti together. It all helps. The easiest way to think of difficult child 3, is as a five year old genius. Some things he's really good at, but socially he's a little kid and lags a long way behind. Hang in there. always have somewhere to walk away to, when you need your personal space or you feel you've reached your limit. Marg [/QUOTE]
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