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Distraught and need help
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 751696" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Distraught,</p><p>My heart goes out to you. I have two adult sons, 30 & 26 who are homeless. The younger graduated from the Marine Corp. but not long after was discharged for medical issues (which at the time was not due to his PTSD and anxiety). Older son, definitely has "issues" but has never even considered being diagnosed and would undoubtedly argue that he has anything wrong with him. He was a perfect kid up until 18 yrs. old. Never gave us one ounce of trouble.</p><p></p><p>It is disheartening, when we put our heart and soul into raising our children trying to provide all the "normal" surroundings such as birthday parties, happy Christmas's, involvement in sports and other interests, religious upbringing and so on and then mental illness or drugs take over. </p><p></p><p>Everything we had every hoped for and dreamed for our children seems gone. We mourn the loss for which we always dreamed we'd have. A very hard pill to swallow. As many others on this forum, (by the way...the most wonderful, inspiring, strongest women I have ever had the privilege to speak with!) I've tried and tried to "help" them by, putting them in hotels, paying security deposits and rent, food, utility, gas, buying cars. You name it. Most of us have done some or all of that. </p><p></p><p>I'm sure you've heard the story of the little train that could. Well, I'm that little train who is just finally reaching the tippity top of the hill. I can see over the edge and know there is something better "down there" but this change also brings with it hurt (that I know will get better and better) but for now I have to keep "my train" moving in the right direction. I too had to put my sons "out" and stop enabling them financially and/or otherwise. They have been in this pattern of blame, laziness and anger for years and year. The disrespect, destruction to walls and doors, drugs in our home, issues with the law, court fees, loss of license etc. have finally allowed me to set boundaries in which I do not even allow them into my home. I am divorced almost 2 yrs. now and have a lot of "alone" time. How I wish I could have a healthy relationship with them and have them over for dinner and talk. But that cannot and will not happen until I see either of them make long-standing improvements in their lives. I'm not sure this will ever happen any time soon but I keep praying for them. I won't give up hope though some days are harder than others.</p><p></p><p>I go to therapy, Al anon, read tons of books that are pertinent to this situation and then I pray, pray, pray and pray some more. What I have learned is that even thought there's PTSD, anxiety, drugs and some other issues, they still have been given more opportunities and chances to change their lives around and they have done nothing to make the changes necessary for a better life. All my enabling did nothing but likely stall any possibility for them to get better. </p><p></p><p>They wallow in self-pity and blame me and their father for everything that has ever gone wrong and of course their inability to work, find a place to live etc.</p><p></p><p>If you are spiritual, I would suggest prayer. Also, read good books on the subject. There's a fantastic book on "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud and it really speaks to setting boundaries in a very compassionate necessary way. It helped me realize that boundaries (though they sound ominous) are not only for my well-being but in the end are also for the best interest our adult children. I've heard boundaries described as "lines of peace" as well and that's been helpful. When you start to "get better" you will start to feel stronger and more able to handle the fear, obligation and guilty. I don't suppose it's never going to be great but I'm working towards manageable for now.</p><p></p><p>Try not to isolate yourself with this problem. I found (even when I finally disclosed that I was married to an alcoholic) that it was extremely helpful talking about it (in Al anon, with my therapist and trusted family members). When we keep problems to ourselves or secrets we will not "heal". </p><p></p><p>Keep posting. Wishing you peace and strength.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 751696, member: 23405"] Distraught, My heart goes out to you. I have two adult sons, 30 & 26 who are homeless. The younger graduated from the Marine Corp. but not long after was discharged for medical issues (which at the time was not due to his PTSD and anxiety). Older son, definitely has "issues" but has never even considered being diagnosed and would undoubtedly argue that he has anything wrong with him. He was a perfect kid up until 18 yrs. old. Never gave us one ounce of trouble. It is disheartening, when we put our heart and soul into raising our children trying to provide all the "normal" surroundings such as birthday parties, happy Christmas's, involvement in sports and other interests, religious upbringing and so on and then mental illness or drugs take over. Everything we had every hoped for and dreamed for our children seems gone. We mourn the loss for which we always dreamed we'd have. A very hard pill to swallow. As many others on this forum, (by the way...the most wonderful, inspiring, strongest women I have ever had the privilege to speak with!) I've tried and tried to "help" them by, putting them in hotels, paying security deposits and rent, food, utility, gas, buying cars. You name it. Most of us have done some or all of that. I'm sure you've heard the story of the little train that could. Well, I'm that little train who is just finally reaching the tippity top of the hill. I can see over the edge and know there is something better "down there" but this change also brings with it hurt (that I know will get better and better) but for now I have to keep "my train" moving in the right direction. I too had to put my sons "out" and stop enabling them financially and/or otherwise. They have been in this pattern of blame, laziness and anger for years and year. The disrespect, destruction to walls and doors, drugs in our home, issues with the law, court fees, loss of license etc. have finally allowed me to set boundaries in which I do not even allow them into my home. I am divorced almost 2 yrs. now and have a lot of "alone" time. How I wish I could have a healthy relationship with them and have them over for dinner and talk. But that cannot and will not happen until I see either of them make long-standing improvements in their lives. I'm not sure this will ever happen any time soon but I keep praying for them. I won't give up hope though some days are harder than others. I go to therapy, Al anon, read tons of books that are pertinent to this situation and then I pray, pray, pray and pray some more. What I have learned is that even thought there's PTSD, anxiety, drugs and some other issues, they still have been given more opportunities and chances to change their lives around and they have done nothing to make the changes necessary for a better life. All my enabling did nothing but likely stall any possibility for them to get better. They wallow in self-pity and blame me and their father for everything that has ever gone wrong and of course their inability to work, find a place to live etc. If you are spiritual, I would suggest prayer. Also, read good books on the subject. There's a fantastic book on "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud and it really speaks to setting boundaries in a very compassionate necessary way. It helped me realize that boundaries (though they sound ominous) are not only for my well-being but in the end are also for the best interest our adult children. I've heard boundaries described as "lines of peace" as well and that's been helpful. When you start to "get better" you will start to feel stronger and more able to handle the fear, obligation and guilty. I don't suppose it's never going to be great but I'm working towards manageable for now. Try not to isolate yourself with this problem. I found (even when I finally disclosed that I was married to an alcoholic) that it was extremely helpful talking about it (in Al anon, with my therapist and trusted family members). When we keep problems to ourselves or secrets we will not "heal". Keep posting. Wishing you peace and strength. [/QUOTE]
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