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Divorce in 2013. Does an intact family help the children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 592407" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>My biodad stunk at being a husband........wasn't a class A dad either, for that matter. My mom having the major onset of mental illness shortly after they married (the schizo went full tilt at around 21/22) most certainly did NOT help the relationship. Mom is also a control freak due to her own childhood. I can't say them having been divorced before I was born (I'm the youngest of 5 if you don't count half sibs) bothered me. And this was before divorce became fairly popular. Thanks to husband 2 that took on the role of Daddy completely, I never really "missed" biodad. (and this is the man I refer to when I talk about my "dad") </p><p></p><p>Mom had 3/4 divorces by the time I hit high school. She had so many "boyfriends" and guys she dated there was no way to keep track......I didn't even learn most of their names. Didn't bother me. Except that I knew when I was grown that the man I chose would be until Death do us part. She taught me how NOT to fight, nag, manipulate, sneak.........in a relationship. It was easy, I just did the opposite of whatever she would've done. (and it worked lol ) I knew that marriage wasn't Happily Ever After from the get go.........but I also knew it was a lot of work, and you had to be willing to work at it if you wanted it to last. </p><p></p><p>I have to admit I do not "get" the whole kid being traumatized by divorce thing. (and trust me my mom could be vicious and vindictive as all hades, she even stalked some of them) From my own sibs and from my friends...........I DO think it's often used as a manipulation tool by kids to their advantage more than it is real trauma. Parents fear it will be traumatizing gives them the idea and they run with it. Kids, even young ones, are NOT stupid. Kids are far more adaptable than people give them credit for. </p><p></p><p>My attitude was "mom could you please make up your mind or at least pick someone for the RIGHT reasons??" omg *sigh* I hated all the moving around and such. </p><p></p><p>Mom's divorce with 2nd husband, the man I think of as Dad, was not pretty. That one I remember well and I was like 6/7 at the time. It was over money. The man worked 3 jobs and sold produce from the garden on the side. Mom worked too. (because it gave her security) And mom had a cow because he loaned his grown kids 20 bucks here and there. ugh But Dad, being the man he was, ignored her when she didn't want him around and still saw us every day. Still came and did all the things he did when he was married to her........except their relationship part. They wound up best friends and he was my Dad until the day he died when I was 22. </p><p></p><p>With mom, after the first divorce, it was easier to throw up her hands and walk away instead of trying (really trying) to make a relationship work. It was her way or the highway, never a compromise. </p><p></p><p>I swore my kids would not live through that. They didn't. They had a nice stable drama free childhood with two parents who loved and respected each other. Do I think it made a difference? Yes, actually I do. I see my kids working hard to make their relationships work. They don't take marriage lightly. It's a commitment, a lifelong commitment. </p><p></p><p>I will say though, I also don't think if a relationship is abusive, and I don't just mean physically abusive, it needs to end. Therapy rarely works. And it is a miserable environment for a child to grow up in, regardless if the parents love each other or not.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 592407, member: 84"] My biodad stunk at being a husband........wasn't a class A dad either, for that matter. My mom having the major onset of mental illness shortly after they married (the schizo went full tilt at around 21/22) most certainly did NOT help the relationship. Mom is also a control freak due to her own childhood. I can't say them having been divorced before I was born (I'm the youngest of 5 if you don't count half sibs) bothered me. And this was before divorce became fairly popular. Thanks to husband 2 that took on the role of Daddy completely, I never really "missed" biodad. (and this is the man I refer to when I talk about my "dad") Mom had 3/4 divorces by the time I hit high school. She had so many "boyfriends" and guys she dated there was no way to keep track......I didn't even learn most of their names. Didn't bother me. Except that I knew when I was grown that the man I chose would be until Death do us part. She taught me how NOT to fight, nag, manipulate, sneak.........in a relationship. It was easy, I just did the opposite of whatever she would've done. (and it worked lol ) I knew that marriage wasn't Happily Ever After from the get go.........but I also knew it was a lot of work, and you had to be willing to work at it if you wanted it to last. I have to admit I do not "get" the whole kid being traumatized by divorce thing. (and trust me my mom could be vicious and vindictive as all hades, she even stalked some of them) From my own sibs and from my friends...........I DO think it's often used as a manipulation tool by kids to their advantage more than it is real trauma. Parents fear it will be traumatizing gives them the idea and they run with it. Kids, even young ones, are NOT stupid. Kids are far more adaptable than people give them credit for. My attitude was "mom could you please make up your mind or at least pick someone for the RIGHT reasons??" omg *sigh* I hated all the moving around and such. Mom's divorce with 2nd husband, the man I think of as Dad, was not pretty. That one I remember well and I was like 6/7 at the time. It was over money. The man worked 3 jobs and sold produce from the garden on the side. Mom worked too. (because it gave her security) And mom had a cow because he loaned his grown kids 20 bucks here and there. ugh But Dad, being the man he was, ignored her when she didn't want him around and still saw us every day. Still came and did all the things he did when he was married to her........except their relationship part. They wound up best friends and he was my Dad until the day he died when I was 22. With mom, after the first divorce, it was easier to throw up her hands and walk away instead of trying (really trying) to make a relationship work. It was her way or the highway, never a compromise. I swore my kids would not live through that. They didn't. They had a nice stable drama free childhood with two parents who loved and respected each other. Do I think it made a difference? Yes, actually I do. I see my kids working hard to make their relationships work. They don't take marriage lightly. It's a commitment, a lifelong commitment. I will say though, I also don't think if a relationship is abusive, and I don't just mean physically abusive, it needs to end. Therapy rarely works. And it is a miserable environment for a child to grow up in, regardless if the parents love each other or not. [/QUOTE]
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