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Do others feel this way with other children too?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753376" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Until this minute, Beta, I did not feel so deeply the pain and fear that laid behind the anger about not buying a coat. I am sorry.</p><p></p><p>I feel now the slap to the face (that he did not mean; he could not have known how this hurt you). Had he bought the coat you could have rested just a little bit easier. You could have had maybe 5 minutes of peace. The coat was a little bit of a tranquilizer for you. A tiny bit of insulation from your 24 hours a day of dread and anxiety. I am sorry Josh could not give you this. He cannot right now feel much empathy. But in your posts of late he has shown moments of kindness and care. A glimmer.</p><p>My experience was this too, Beta. My son was a dream for me. I had the most perfect, beautiful, adorable, loving child. From the moment I saw him until his teens, my son too was compliant and loving, healthy, stable and upbeat.</p><p></p><p>The reality I see more clearly now. The truth of my son's life was only partly about me, his mother and our time together. He had birth parents who were not me, trauma before me, abandonment before me, and genes before me. This is not only my story, it is his. And he deserves his true story. He has to live his real life. Not just the safe, happy, loved part. He has to revisit all of it. I see that now.</p><p></p><p>My son has Hep B which he was born with. We did not know this until he was 19. Since he left here at 23, he has not taken the antivirals that would likely have protected him. While I have tried to suppress my fear, I have been terrorized about the progression of this disease. He currently has elevated enzymes and viral load, and he will have a biopsy this month. I am so, so afraid. I know we are better off knowing, but I am so scared.</p><p></p><p>We found out about the Hepatitis when my son was in college and donated blood for a class. He ignored the letter from the blood bank which sat on the dining room table for a month, until I opened it. Had I not opened it we would never have known. I wonder if we would have been better off. We were both devastated. And when his condition worsened a couple of years later, neither one of us could handle it. Maybe he would have been able to stay on track in college if we had never learned the truth. But here I am arguing against my original point. That facing the truth can heal.</p><p></p><p>We need to know and fight to know the truths of our lives. As much as I hate the idea, that's what I feel now. In so many ways Josh may be plumbing the depths of his history, too. I wish it wasn't so. For either of us. I pray with all of my heart that our sons survive this, and thrive.</p><p></p><p>In my faith there is the idea that if we embrace the pain of truth, jump into the vat of it, that this will be cleansing and there can come to be peace. I understand the principle of it. And I have experienced this release in other areas of my life.</p><p></p><p>But with our children? I am sorry we suffer so, Beta. I am sending you hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753376, member: 18958"] Until this minute, Beta, I did not feel so deeply the pain and fear that laid behind the anger about not buying a coat. I am sorry. I feel now the slap to the face (that he did not mean; he could not have known how this hurt you). Had he bought the coat you could have rested just a little bit easier. You could have had maybe 5 minutes of peace. The coat was a little bit of a tranquilizer for you. A tiny bit of insulation from your 24 hours a day of dread and anxiety. I am sorry Josh could not give you this. He cannot right now feel much empathy. But in your posts of late he has shown moments of kindness and care. A glimmer. My experience was this too, Beta. My son was a dream for me. I had the most perfect, beautiful, adorable, loving child. From the moment I saw him until his teens, my son too was compliant and loving, healthy, stable and upbeat. The reality I see more clearly now. The truth of my son's life was only partly about me, his mother and our time together. He had birth parents who were not me, trauma before me, abandonment before me, and genes before me. This is not only my story, it is his. And he deserves his true story. He has to live his real life. Not just the safe, happy, loved part. He has to revisit all of it. I see that now. My son has Hep B which he was born with. We did not know this until he was 19. Since he left here at 23, he has not taken the antivirals that would likely have protected him. While I have tried to suppress my fear, I have been terrorized about the progression of this disease. He currently has elevated enzymes and viral load, and he will have a biopsy this month. I am so, so afraid. I know we are better off knowing, but I am so scared. We found out about the Hepatitis when my son was in college and donated blood for a class. He ignored the letter from the blood bank which sat on the dining room table for a month, until I opened it. Had I not opened it we would never have known. I wonder if we would have been better off. We were both devastated. And when his condition worsened a couple of years later, neither one of us could handle it. Maybe he would have been able to stay on track in college if we had never learned the truth. But here I am arguing against my original point. That facing the truth can heal. We need to know and fight to know the truths of our lives. As much as I hate the idea, that's what I feel now. In so many ways Josh may be plumbing the depths of his history, too. I wish it wasn't so. For either of us. I pray with all of my heart that our sons survive this, and thrive. In my faith there is the idea that if we embrace the pain of truth, jump into the vat of it, that this will be cleansing and there can come to be peace. I understand the principle of it. And I have experienced this release in other areas of my life. But with our children? I am sorry we suffer so, Beta. I am sending you hugs. [/QUOTE]
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