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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 637514" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>MWM -- Great post, great question. I feel similarly as you. When it's black-and-white stuff, it's easy to know. But then there's that mushy gray stuff in the middle that's hazy. Are they legit or not? Is it really that bad or not? I think I got slowly lulled into getting more and more desensitized to just how bad things had gotten. But then, blammo! Some big event hits and we know it really is THAT bad. </p><p></p><p>MWM -- Just gotta tell you... You post such repeatedly wonderful insights in this forum! I gain much from reading your posts. You blend heart and brain very well in here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar --- Wow. I'd never considered that. That's a mind-blowing concept. No, I suspect you're right. Guessing if they'd worked, we would not consider them enabling. Wow..... Gotta turn that one over in my mind a few times. It sheds huge light on just how subjective the term "enabling" can be. Wow, again. I'm gonna flip that one over in my brain all day. I like it. It feels empowering. Thanks for that!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>2much2recover ---- Very wise. Very well said. In fact, so well said, I think I may use that exact phrasing (especially to other parents of difficult child's). Again, that's a very empowering concept. True. I also like what you said about difficult child's chameleon-like nature. That's the toughest part sometimes, isn't it? Like.....just who are you? It does take balls to stand up to abusers. BIG cajones. Your words are so familiar in my heart, too. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Recoveringenabler ----- Short, sweet and to the point. Excellent! You have worked this path so well for so long and I sure do like the insights I gain from you. That just kind of boils it all down, doesn't it? And I'll take it a step further in my understanding. Not sure I can express this well, but, will try. Simply put:</p><p></p><p>1) HELPING OURSELVES (focus on internal only -- A WIN)</p><p>2) HELPING OTHERS (focus on external AND internal -- regular helping situations, like this forum, for instance - A WIN-WIN)</p><p>3) HELPING OTHERS (focus on external only ---- boundaries invaded...important boundaries....feels like THEFT. A LOSE-LOSE). </p><p></p><p>#3 ---- And then we feel bad because it's like we handed the robber the keys to our home and invited that THEFT. That's how enabling feels to me when I do it. I feel badly because it happened, but I feel even more badly - exponentially - because I invited or allowed it). Why would we hand a robber they key? I dunno. But I know I've done it before and it feels awful. Awful, awful, awful. Hope that made sense.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 637514, member: 18284"] MWM -- Great post, great question. I feel similarly as you. When it's black-and-white stuff, it's easy to know. But then there's that mushy gray stuff in the middle that's hazy. Are they legit or not? Is it really that bad or not? I think I got slowly lulled into getting more and more desensitized to just how bad things had gotten. But then, blammo! Some big event hits and we know it really is THAT bad. MWM -- Just gotta tell you... You post such repeatedly wonderful insights in this forum! I gain much from reading your posts. You blend heart and brain very well in here. Cedar --- Wow. I'd never considered that. That's a mind-blowing concept. No, I suspect you're right. Guessing if they'd worked, we would not consider them enabling. Wow..... Gotta turn that one over in my mind a few times. It sheds huge light on just how subjective the term "enabling" can be. Wow, again. I'm gonna flip that one over in my brain all day. I like it. It feels empowering. Thanks for that! 2much2recover ---- Very wise. Very well said. In fact, so well said, I think I may use that exact phrasing (especially to other parents of difficult child's). Again, that's a very empowering concept. True. I also like what you said about difficult child's chameleon-like nature. That's the toughest part sometimes, isn't it? Like.....just who are you? It does take balls to stand up to abusers. BIG cajones. Your words are so familiar in my heart, too. Recoveringenabler ----- Short, sweet and to the point. Excellent! You have worked this path so well for so long and I sure do like the insights I gain from you. That just kind of boils it all down, doesn't it? And I'll take it a step further in my understanding. Not sure I can express this well, but, will try. Simply put: 1) HELPING OURSELVES (focus on internal only -- A WIN) 2) HELPING OTHERS (focus on external AND internal -- regular helping situations, like this forum, for instance - A WIN-WIN) 3) HELPING OTHERS (focus on external only ---- boundaries invaded...important boundaries....feels like THEFT. A LOSE-LOSE). #3 ---- And then we feel bad because it's like we handed the robber the keys to our home and invited that THEFT. That's how enabling feels to me when I do it. I feel badly because it happened, but I feel even more badly - exponentially - because I invited or allowed it). Why would we hand a robber they key? I dunno. But I know I've done it before and it feels awful. Awful, awful, awful. Hope that made sense. [/QUOTE]
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