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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 637578" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>For me, the term enabling has an unhealthy definition. I think enabling is a stance we take in the world, not just with our kids. It becomes such a strong presence on some of our lives that we can't distinguish it within ourselves separate from ourselves, we think it is us. So, I do not agree with your statement, because enabling is harmful it is not loving. That is what I had to begin to understand about it and to learn how to identify it within me and heal it. In my opinion it is learned behavior from a dysfunctional childhood where love is based on what you do not who you are. That had to be drilled in to me by therapist because like you I defended my right to be an enabler because I confused it with loving kindness. But it isn't so black and white either, it isn't that I was always an enabler and couldn't love or be a good mom, it was a part of my loving which I had the power to eradicate and fill that empty space with a more unconditional and accepting kind of love, the kind I didn't myself have. In my opinion, there is no enabling which results in anyone feeling wonderful. That is the distinction for me. We slip in and out of enabling. It is usually routed through our whole systems as adults and needs to be recognized so that it can be corrected. Like an anger problem, or someone who is aggressive.......first you have to see it within yourself, recognize it, see what it cost you to be that way, see how it doesn't work and then find a different way to respond. It's a healing of a mechanism which does not work.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I wouldn't call that judging, I would call it discerning what is best for the child when you are in the responsible years. Judgement is about right/wrong/blame/ discernment is guidance and clarity. Judgement has a different intent, its more controlling and righteous, rather then guiding and offering options. When you take a righteous stance with anybody, their natural resistance appears and they fight it. There is a very different stance in judgement and it does not feel good to the one being judged.</p><p></p><p>How do we define love, that might be a better word to utilize. Love at its very best has no judgment , it is accepting. And, love has boundaries. And with our kids, love has a point where we let them go, where we naturally detach. We are forced here to detach, but in healthy families, detachment is a natural occurrence, it is time for the child to go use his own wings, and he/she is trusted to do that. Our kids are troubled, so that process is thwarted by our own fears for them. We lock in to a very different way of being then. Now the judging begins. And the blame. And the enabling. It's fear based, not love based.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 637578, member: 13542"] For me, the term enabling has an unhealthy definition. I think enabling is a stance we take in the world, not just with our kids. It becomes such a strong presence on some of our lives that we can't distinguish it within ourselves separate from ourselves, we think it is us. So, I do not agree with your statement, because enabling is harmful it is not loving. That is what I had to begin to understand about it and to learn how to identify it within me and heal it. In my opinion it is learned behavior from a dysfunctional childhood where love is based on what you do not who you are. That had to be drilled in to me by therapist because like you I defended my right to be an enabler because I confused it with loving kindness. But it isn't so black and white either, it isn't that I was always an enabler and couldn't love or be a good mom, it was a part of my loving which I had the power to eradicate and fill that empty space with a more unconditional and accepting kind of love, the kind I didn't myself have. In my opinion, there is no enabling which results in anyone feeling wonderful. That is the distinction for me. We slip in and out of enabling. It is usually routed through our whole systems as adults and needs to be recognized so that it can be corrected. Like an anger problem, or someone who is aggressive.......first you have to see it within yourself, recognize it, see what it cost you to be that way, see how it doesn't work and then find a different way to respond. It's a healing of a mechanism which does not work. I wouldn't call that judging, I would call it discerning what is best for the child when you are in the responsible years. Judgement is about right/wrong/blame/ discernment is guidance and clarity. Judgement has a different intent, its more controlling and righteous, rather then guiding and offering options. When you take a righteous stance with anybody, their natural resistance appears and they fight it. There is a very different stance in judgement and it does not feel good to the one being judged. How do we define love, that might be a better word to utilize. Love at its very best has no judgment , it is accepting. And, love has boundaries. And with our kids, love has a point where we let them go, where we naturally detach. We are forced here to detach, but in healthy families, detachment is a natural occurrence, it is time for the child to go use his own wings, and he/she is trusted to do that. Our kids are troubled, so that process is thwarted by our own fears for them. We lock in to a very different way of being then. Now the judging begins. And the blame. And the enabling. It's fear based, not love based. [/QUOTE]
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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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