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Do you agree with my therapist?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 618251" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>The issue here is not whether difficult child gets money. The issue is that difficult child put hands on his own mother. The money should be a non-issue. Instead, its become a control issue.</p><p></p><p>If the money is important to his education, send it to him at the grandparents' house. You can write whatever you feel like in the card, or you can write nothing. You can decide not to send the money, or to send it sporadically, any time you want. You can circumvent the difficult child entirely, and send the money to the grandparents. That way, you have regained your own power. You are no longer a beggar who has to pay your own child to see you.</p><p></p><p>If you want to meet for breakfast? Ask him to meet you for breakfast. Just not for money. If you want to slip him some money at breakfast? That is fine, too. But to pay him to have breakfast with you? Really bad idea.</p><p></p><p>If there is a way to do it, it would be good to let difficult child know that you have changed your mind about the whole weekly meeting thing. That until he apologizes for putting hands on you, you have decided not to see <u>him.</u> Your difficult child did something very wrong. That should be the issue, not money. </p><p></p><p>The therapist is not only asking you to ignore what your son did, he is suggesting that you put your son in the position of beggar/ prostitute.</p><p></p><p>That is not who he is, and that is not who you are.</p><p></p><p>Sending the money in a card (or choosing not to send it) will be a good way for you to work through your feelings about what happened. More importantly, it will take the emphasis off the money/power/control issue. </p><p></p><p>A son should not attack his mother, not verbally, and not physically. I still remember how shocked I was to realize I was in a verbally abusive relationship with my own son. That he talked to me the way he did crept in over the years because I did not address it. It seemed worth it to me, just to hear his voice, just to know he was okay. Really, I was disrespecting my son by not demanding better of him than what I got. I wasn't taking him seriously enough to demand respect from him. </p><p></p><p>Who is going to teach them right from wrong on these issues if not their own mothers?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 618251, member: 17461"] The issue here is not whether difficult child gets money. The issue is that difficult child put hands on his own mother. The money should be a non-issue. Instead, its become a control issue. If the money is important to his education, send it to him at the grandparents' house. You can write whatever you feel like in the card, or you can write nothing. You can decide not to send the money, or to send it sporadically, any time you want. You can circumvent the difficult child entirely, and send the money to the grandparents. That way, you have regained your own power. You are no longer a beggar who has to pay your own child to see you. If you want to meet for breakfast? Ask him to meet you for breakfast. Just not for money. If you want to slip him some money at breakfast? That is fine, too. But to pay him to have breakfast with you? Really bad idea. If there is a way to do it, it would be good to let difficult child know that you have changed your mind about the whole weekly meeting thing. That until he apologizes for putting hands on you, you have decided not to see [U]him.[/U] Your difficult child did something very wrong. That should be the issue, not money. The therapist is not only asking you to ignore what your son did, he is suggesting that you put your son in the position of beggar/ prostitute. That is not who he is, and that is not who you are. Sending the money in a card (or choosing not to send it) will be a good way for you to work through your feelings about what happened. More importantly, it will take the emphasis off the money/power/control issue. A son should not attack his mother, not verbally, and not physically. I still remember how shocked I was to realize I was in a verbally abusive relationship with my own son. That he talked to me the way he did crept in over the years because I did not address it. It seemed worth it to me, just to hear his voice, just to know he was okay. Really, I was disrespecting my son by not demanding better of him than what I got. I wasn't taking him seriously enough to demand respect from him. Who is going to teach them right from wrong on these issues if not their own mothers? Cedar [/QUOTE]
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