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Do you agree with my therapist?
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 618289" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>This thread is interesting to me because I struggled with similar issues within the last year...I used money and resources to keep tabs on my difficult child, in multiple ways, and he used me right back. On the big scale, his SSI check came to my house...he could only get it if he came to see me, then we would go to the bank and cash it and I would let him have one weeks worth...he would have to come see me each week to get his allotment. Pretty soon he started just letting the checks pile up and begged for food and money on the street rather than deal with me controlling..at one point I had somehting $2500 of checks that I couldn't get him to come get! then he arranged for direct deposit and that was that. (that was eye-opening for me...I've always had the idea that he just can't manage real life at all, that he has no competence...but he does in fact have at least selective competence, cause that was quite a coup d'etat!)</p><p></p><p>On another level he used to call me and tell me he'd like to see me and maybe have lunch or dinner Of course that was always me buying him lunch or dinner...eventually that started to make me feel used, which is funny because of course I buy all of my PCs ( his twin and the two high school age brothers) lunch or dinner...and sometimes they even ask to go out to dinner with me....but I HAVE A WHOLE ROUNDED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. We have contact over a zillion other things, they return my love and affection, they aggravate the hell out of me and leave dirty socks all over the house...but there is a give and take and respect in those relationships that is lacking with difficult child. True or false, I started feeling like difficult child was just using me, following a form with no function behind it. In fairness to him (always be careful when your/my thinking starts to go that way) he does have a lot of social dysfunciton, and if we are feeling generous we could say that he recongnized meals together as a relationship thing, he just doesn't get that there is more behind it. Anyway, I started to refuse to buy him meals...sometimes I would counter with "you can come by the house and I'll make you breakfast" which he accepted about 1/2 of the time, and sometimes I would just say "we can walk the dogs together" or some other activity that wasn't beneficial to him. He would accept or not.</p><p></p><p>I also used to get to see him by offering to pay him to do chores around the house...he was actually pretty good about unsavory chores like cleaning the trash cans, or clearing the fish pond filter of the scum...so I'm not sure still whether that was OK or not from his end, but from my end I was clearly bribing him to see me so I could try to exert some control over him. So I stopped that too.</p><p></p><p>And in the end...I agree with the others that if he threatens you with dropping out of school because he can't manage without the money you give him...well then so be it. Adult choices. College is great for people who use it to its full capacity. Otherwise it is overrated, and there are still plenty of tradespeople and voactional workers out there with high school degrees only. Or he can go back to college later when he is ready to do it. Stopping now doesn't write the script forever.</p><p></p><p>I guess if, like your therapist, I were going to tell you what to do...I'd suggest telling your difficult child that "this isn't working for me any more". You can stop with that, as we've discussed in other posts, or you can go into detail and let him know that it is causing you a lot of internal conflict that he attacked you and you are still in the position of giving him money, as though the victim were pleading with the abuser. That it doesn't feel good to you that he seems to only see you to get the money. That you'd like to reframe your relationship in a healthier way. And then you can decide what that reframing looks like...lunch with no money? Money mailed but not used as a lunch bribe? No money? </p><p></p><p>I do think it is fair to give him a warning and an explanation for why you are changing the situation. But that is not me. One could also fairly take the stand that he should be able to figure out that attacking you is a game changer.</p><p></p><p>And....sorry about the therapis. Occasionally when therapists make a bad call I go back and talk to them about it...say "this is what I hear when you tell me that, and I'm not sure I can continue this relationship until we sort this issue out". A good therapist will jump at the chance to deepen your therapeutic relationship. If the therapist takes a defensive or dicatorial stand...get out of that relationship too.</p><p></p><p>Its hard. Take some deep breathes. No urgent or immediate decisions or actions required.</p><p></p><p>Holding you tight in my heart and mind,</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 618289, member: 17269"] This thread is interesting to me because I struggled with similar issues within the last year...I used money and resources to keep tabs on my difficult child, in multiple ways, and he used me right back. On the big scale, his SSI check came to my house...he could only get it if he came to see me, then we would go to the bank and cash it and I would let him have one weeks worth...he would have to come see me each week to get his allotment. Pretty soon he started just letting the checks pile up and begged for food and money on the street rather than deal with me controlling..at one point I had somehting $2500 of checks that I couldn't get him to come get! then he arranged for direct deposit and that was that. (that was eye-opening for me...I've always had the idea that he just can't manage real life at all, that he has no competence...but he does in fact have at least selective competence, cause that was quite a coup d'etat!) On another level he used to call me and tell me he'd like to see me and maybe have lunch or dinner Of course that was always me buying him lunch or dinner...eventually that started to make me feel used, which is funny because of course I buy all of my PCs ( his twin and the two high school age brothers) lunch or dinner...and sometimes they even ask to go out to dinner with me....but I HAVE A WHOLE ROUNDED RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. We have contact over a zillion other things, they return my love and affection, they aggravate the hell out of me and leave dirty socks all over the house...but there is a give and take and respect in those relationships that is lacking with difficult child. True or false, I started feeling like difficult child was just using me, following a form with no function behind it. In fairness to him (always be careful when your/my thinking starts to go that way) he does have a lot of social dysfunciton, and if we are feeling generous we could say that he recongnized meals together as a relationship thing, he just doesn't get that there is more behind it. Anyway, I started to refuse to buy him meals...sometimes I would counter with "you can come by the house and I'll make you breakfast" which he accepted about 1/2 of the time, and sometimes I would just say "we can walk the dogs together" or some other activity that wasn't beneficial to him. He would accept or not. I also used to get to see him by offering to pay him to do chores around the house...he was actually pretty good about unsavory chores like cleaning the trash cans, or clearing the fish pond filter of the scum...so I'm not sure still whether that was OK or not from his end, but from my end I was clearly bribing him to see me so I could try to exert some control over him. So I stopped that too. And in the end...I agree with the others that if he threatens you with dropping out of school because he can't manage without the money you give him...well then so be it. Adult choices. College is great for people who use it to its full capacity. Otherwise it is overrated, and there are still plenty of tradespeople and voactional workers out there with high school degrees only. Or he can go back to college later when he is ready to do it. Stopping now doesn't write the script forever. I guess if, like your therapist, I were going to tell you what to do...I'd suggest telling your difficult child that "this isn't working for me any more". You can stop with that, as we've discussed in other posts, or you can go into detail and let him know that it is causing you a lot of internal conflict that he attacked you and you are still in the position of giving him money, as though the victim were pleading with the abuser. That it doesn't feel good to you that he seems to only see you to get the money. That you'd like to reframe your relationship in a healthier way. And then you can decide what that reframing looks like...lunch with no money? Money mailed but not used as a lunch bribe? No money? I do think it is fair to give him a warning and an explanation for why you are changing the situation. But that is not me. One could also fairly take the stand that he should be able to figure out that attacking you is a game changer. And....sorry about the therapis. Occasionally when therapists make a bad call I go back and talk to them about it...say "this is what I hear when you tell me that, and I'm not sure I can continue this relationship until we sort this issue out". A good therapist will jump at the chance to deepen your therapeutic relationship. If the therapist takes a defensive or dicatorial stand...get out of that relationship too. Its hard. Take some deep breathes. No urgent or immediate decisions or actions required. Holding you tight in my heart and mind, Echo [/QUOTE]
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