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Do you agree with my therapist?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 618300" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Everything I read, know, hear and experience says: Stop the flow of money. I also understand how you want to help a young adult who is appearing to be functioning on some level, i.e., college. </p><p></p><p>This is tough. I agree with MWM if you decide to still help him financially, do it separately from the visits. Take him to eat when you meet---if that's not enough, then okay. Do you really enjoy spending that much time with him anyway right now? I remember just wanting to lay eyes on my son so we even reduced our times together to going to Sonic for a drink. That was enough for me. Today, I haven't seen him in person in six months, and right now I am okay with that. </p><p></p><p>Also realize you can change your mind at any time, regardless of what you have said in the past or decided to do. That is your right. I always though if I committed to something I had to follow through with it. That was the honorable thing to do. I have learned that I can say: I have thought about this more, and I've changed my mind. Here is now what I will do... This can be incredibly relieving, just to understand you can do this. </p><p></p><p>There are great therapists out there, mediocre ones and then bad ones. I have been with multiple therapists in my life (thankfully because therapy can be great!). The last one I was with is a really good marriage counselor. My ex and I went to her off and on, together and separately for about 10 years, well before I learned about his binge drinking and high functioning alcoholism (another story for another day). </p><p></p><p>As I worked and worked and agonized and agonized and grieved and finally got to the point that I wanted a separation from him---here is what she said: Oh, I just hate that. You two are both such great people. isn't there any other way?</p><p></p><p>Really? I mean REALLY????? After all of those hours listening to me and to the both of us???? I said back to her: What would you have me do that I haven't done? I have turned over every rock looking for a way to live with this man, who is the father of my children and someone I have been married to for 29 years. Tell me one single thing I can do that I have not already done. </p><p></p><p>Then the kicker: Well, I am really not a specialist in addiction so...</p><p></p><p>That was the telling statement. When you are dealing with the cunning, baffling, insidious, horrible disease of addiction, you MUST have someone who is trained and experienced in addiction counseling you. If your therapist is not, go to someone else. </p><p></p><p>You already feel like you are crazy enough with all of this, and then to have someone tell you what she said. It's just too much. </p><p></p><p>Another thing I hear in your post is all of the back and forth and agreements and contracts, and what am I going to do and what are you going to do... All of that is exhausting and only usually results in more twisted up people---you and your son, and lots of hurt, pain and despair. It doesn't get him straight. </p><p></p><p>Keep it as simple as you possible can. Write down what you will and won't do and what you will and won't say to him. Write it down. Read it back to yourself and post it on your bathroom mirror and tape it to your cell phone and have a copy in your billfold. When you are with him, whip it out and read from your script. Don't deviate from it. This simple (and seemingly remedial) tool can help so much. It can help you clear away the emotion and confusion and cobwebs when he starts telling you all of the reasons you need to change your mind and...you know...just doing what they do. We are no match for them and we have to pull out every tool in our arsenal or we will be even more miserable than we are today. </p><p></p><p>I pray good things for you and for him. Keep coming back.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 618300, member: 17542"] Everything I read, know, hear and experience says: Stop the flow of money. I also understand how you want to help a young adult who is appearing to be functioning on some level, i.e., college. This is tough. I agree with MWM if you decide to still help him financially, do it separately from the visits. Take him to eat when you meet---if that's not enough, then okay. Do you really enjoy spending that much time with him anyway right now? I remember just wanting to lay eyes on my son so we even reduced our times together to going to Sonic for a drink. That was enough for me. Today, I haven't seen him in person in six months, and right now I am okay with that. Also realize you can change your mind at any time, regardless of what you have said in the past or decided to do. That is your right. I always though if I committed to something I had to follow through with it. That was the honorable thing to do. I have learned that I can say: I have thought about this more, and I've changed my mind. Here is now what I will do... This can be incredibly relieving, just to understand you can do this. There are great therapists out there, mediocre ones and then bad ones. I have been with multiple therapists in my life (thankfully because therapy can be great!). The last one I was with is a really good marriage counselor. My ex and I went to her off and on, together and separately for about 10 years, well before I learned about his binge drinking and high functioning alcoholism (another story for another day). As I worked and worked and agonized and agonized and grieved and finally got to the point that I wanted a separation from him---here is what she said: Oh, I just hate that. You two are both such great people. isn't there any other way? Really? I mean REALLY????? After all of those hours listening to me and to the both of us???? I said back to her: What would you have me do that I haven't done? I have turned over every rock looking for a way to live with this man, who is the father of my children and someone I have been married to for 29 years. Tell me one single thing I can do that I have not already done. Then the kicker: Well, I am really not a specialist in addiction so... That was the telling statement. When you are dealing with the cunning, baffling, insidious, horrible disease of addiction, you MUST have someone who is trained and experienced in addiction counseling you. If your therapist is not, go to someone else. You already feel like you are crazy enough with all of this, and then to have someone tell you what she said. It's just too much. Another thing I hear in your post is all of the back and forth and agreements and contracts, and what am I going to do and what are you going to do... All of that is exhausting and only usually results in more twisted up people---you and your son, and lots of hurt, pain and despair. It doesn't get him straight. Keep it as simple as you possible can. Write down what you will and won't do and what you will and won't say to him. Write it down. Read it back to yourself and post it on your bathroom mirror and tape it to your cell phone and have a copy in your billfold. When you are with him, whip it out and read from your script. Don't deviate from it. This simple (and seemingly remedial) tool can help so much. It can help you clear away the emotion and confusion and cobwebs when he starts telling you all of the reasons you need to change your mind and...you know...just doing what they do. We are no match for them and we have to pull out every tool in our arsenal or we will be even more miserable than we are today. I pray good things for you and for him. Keep coming back. [/QUOTE]
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